Porocrom’s Crappaper

Inspired by the previous post, I decided to write this guide for all you blokes who are barely presentable enough to get a chick, but not enough to keep her. This guide aims to enable you to win her back after she has inevitably dumped you.
The basic thing to remember is that women like real men (don’t worry, there may be hope). So, whatever you do, act like a man. It may be hard, but you have to try. I will now give you a few examples of how you should act if you want to win the egoistical ho back.
Wrong: Calling her and saying “Please forgive me, I know I can do better.”
Right: Calling her and saying “Fuck, I didn’t get a date tonight. If you wanna fuck, come by my place.”
This makes multiple points with one statement. First of all, it shows her that you get laid more frequently than a $1 hooker. Secondly, it shows that you couldn’t give a fuck if she wants to fuck or not, because of the first statement. And thirdly, it shows you know how to use a phone. Chicks dig that.

Wrong: Saying “If you come back, I will give you the sun and the moon and all my money.”
Right: Saying “What the fuck, why am I even talking to you? Excuse me, but a chick whose name I don’t know is in my bed waiting for me.”
This demonstrates that for one, you really don’t want to talk to her, and also you have a chick whom you just met in your bed. This makes her mad because it hurts her ego, and makes her jealous that you are over her already. Women really hate that shit.

Wrong: Saying “I have been so lonely since you left!”
Right: Saying “I porked a fat chick yesterday. She reminded me of you a lot.”
The aforementioned statement lets her know that not only do you get laid a lot, but also with ugly fat chicks who remind you of her. That makes her realise that you not only have low standards when it comes to women, but these low standards were what made you approach her in the first place. That will get her to realise that she doesn’t deserve better than you.

Wrong: Giving her gifts and seeking her attention.
Right: Giving other women gifts and getting their attention.
This way she sees that you couldn’t care less about her and that other women like you a whole lot. She will then surely realise what a big catch you are and beg you on her knees to take her back.

The above situations are only an example of what you must do in any other situation in order to get her back. Let’s face it though, if you were this popular, she wouldn’t have left you anyway, and the mere fact that she left you means that she doesn’t care about you, so the only thing you can do is beg her to take you back so you can buy her presents and kiss her on the cheek sometime while she fucks football players. Good luck with that.

I have a friend… let’s call him Peter.

Peter is 21, tall, fit, funny, interesting, etc etc. His job pays well, he gets a lot of hours, and on the side, when he’s not teaching hip-hop or cheerleading for York University, he’s a DJ at a local club. In short, Peter is a fuckin’ CATCH AND A HALF.

Peter is recently single.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Holy shit, this guy must be STOKED! He’s smart, rich, and free of girlfriendly attachments!” Peter is anything but stoked. Since the breakup, he has pined and bitched and generally NOT been cool about the whole thing. Peter has thunderclouds in his MSN handle and says things like “I would do anything to make it better” and “My fate has decided my life” and Dashboard Confessional-type bullshit like that.

Gentlemen: If (God forbid) your possessive, controlling, possibly philandering girlfriend cuts you loose, you are better off. When you’re in a relationship where you put your heart, time and cash into making things work, and the other person just sits there and receives it all, and all you get is passable sex, you can probably do better… unless you are really hairy… or completely hairless.

If you (for some bizzarre reason) want her back, here are a few strategies GUARANTEED to make you miserable even if you get your wish. 1) Pine for her, arrest the rest of your life 2) call incessantly 3) Tell her “I’ll do anything” 4) Write poetry and send it to her 5) Talk to all her friends to find out what went wrong 6) Blame yourself for EVERYTHING (unless you cheated, then it is your own fault you bastard).

The best advice I ever got from a girl was “women like MEN”. If you want to impress this bitch, then be a man! Tell her “I don’t know why you’d give up the good thing you’ve got, but if you want to talk to me about it, you have my number”. Then, SEE OTHER PEOPLE! Jealousy is an aphrodisiac. If you let her think that she can control you, then she WILL. If you say you’ll wait for her, she’ll make you wait. If you say you’ll make it work, she’ll make you work. If you say that you can do better, she just might believe you.

But seriously don’t get back together with her unless she has a big booty and a nice rack… or a best friend/sister/mom with same and you have a reasonable chance of a threesome.