Porocrom’s Crappaper

I was watching Alien 1 yesterday, and I noticed that computers are always dealt with in the same way in many movies. I have prepared a small list of these cliches for you:

Whenever there is an “Access Denied” message there is an “Override” button.
“I’m sorry, I cannot let you see these files because they are top secret and only the Prime Minister of Greece can look at them, but if you ask me again I will be happy to oblige”. Seriously, how gay is that? Why would anyone do that? Are they expecting the character to say “Oooh, access is denied, I’d better not tire myself with pressing an extra button and go along doing my business!”. Or in Demolition Man, where the dude was so highly trained while being an ice cube that he could make “Override” buttons magically appear on “Access Denied” windows.

Whenever someone looks at a screen, the letters are projected on their face.
“Hey, look, his face is a screen, cool!”. This increases readability immensely, I suppose, since everyone can see on your face what you are seeing. That wouldn’t be so useful if the character was watching porn instead of saving planet X, would it?

Hackers always run away from the police in great big car-chases.
“Let’s run from the police now that we have defaced this website! That will surely make the police forget our names and addresses and we can live happily ever after.” No, sorry, in reality you just get a paper telling you to come to court, and you’re screwed. You don’t even need a fancy car for that.

Good hackers can guess the password that consists of one letter in a few tries. Security agencies cannot.
“Hey, I will just use my birthday year as the password. Surely noone will guess that!” Tough luck, because the mindpower of the trained hacker is immense, and he can look right through your powerful encryption scheme immediately. Setting passwords like egr#RGerg&*97GE3qg9jh23s is more secure, but let’s face it, your company secrets aren’t worth that much anyway.

Whenever text is output to the screen it comes on letter by letter and the really advanced computers can make a sound, too.
“Wow, this is great! No more instant display, now the computer can display the text at this stupidly slow rate so that I cannot read it as easily!” Our technology has not yet reached the point of making text appear gradually, and it will be a giant leap for mankind when it does.

The more acronyms the computer’s parts’ names have, the better they are.
“I have a RISC processor with OMFG architecture and a WOM chip interfaced by a USB cable on the LAN peripheral through PCI-ISA interface. Needless to say, I have a TB of RAM and a SB of WTF MB w/9000 GFX card.” Names that ordinary people can understand mean that the computer sucks. Hackers know all the acronyms by heart, and that is the mark of the good hacker.

If you are a Hollywood movie director (Earth to Poromenos, wake up Poromenos), read this list and please make a movie about computers that does not suck. Also, hire me as a creative consultant at $6000/mo. Cheap, no?

Hello all you non-Greek people. Today I would like to teach you something about Olympic ideals, the greatness of the Olympic spirit and all that crap. I have noticed that many foreign people have won medals in the Olympics, mainly from China, the U.S. and other less significant countries. I would like to say on that matter, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
In the olden days, all the ancient Greeks got together and discussed ways to prevent their turning into modern Greeks (they didn’t succeed), and also played various sports that have been mentioned in previous posts. All the medals went to Greeks. Nowadays this isn’t the case, many people from other countries are winning in sports. This is unacceptable. I, being the magnanimous person that I am, will allow you to win the silver and bronze medals to keep you happy. But gold medals are OFF LIMITS to non-Greeks.
It’s not polite to win other people’s games, that’s kinda like playing hide-and-seek with your friends and the geeky boy from around the corner sees you and goes “hey, can I play?” and you think “well, what the heck, he’s a good boy and so dorky that nobody plays with him anyway”, so you let him play with you, and he wins. How rude is that?
I bet you don’t like it when this happens, so you can imagine my anger and frustration. So if you are an athlete and you get to participate in future Olympics, whenever a Greek is ahead of you, make sure he stays ahead of you (unless you are a Greek athlete, then what the hell are you doing here, go train).
Like I said earlier, you are free to win the silver medal. I was going to start a petition to remove the silver medal because it is the worst position anyone can get, because it shows that you are almost the best but not quite, making you even suckier than the worst athlete in the world. Then I thought, why remove it when you can give it to other people? So, in all my generosity, I give that to you. Also, Namibia rocks.

Our buddy Poro has a bit of a problem…

Despite his flawless skill with written English (to the proficiency where he can understand what I’m saying when I’m being ridiculous), Poro cannot speak English worth a whit (which is exactly one quarter of a flying fig, or 7/19 of a rat’s ass).

“Who cares?” you may ask “The man lives in Greece where most everyone speaks Greek, and his overseas contact takes the form of written communication!” Well you selfish twit, maybe you should think past just your own needs! What about ME? I am planning on mooching off Poro by sleeping on his couch and defiling his women next summer! I need to be able to communicate to the man things like “More beer” and “I have bed sores, please turn me”.

Perhaps if I brought a chalkboard…

(Ian arrives by taxi from whatever the airport in Greece is called – maybe it’s called the Hammer of Zeus or the Jock-strap of Thor or something – showing up at Poro’s summer home)
Ian: Word, Malakas!
Poro: Double-yoo tee eff?
Ian: No English? Mama Mia! (Pulls out chalkboard. Writes) <I thought I told you to learn English!>
Poro: Oqongfe qefoinf pbvslknd (Translation: Complete gibberish)
Ian: <What? Ah ferget it. Get in the cab, we’re going to the beach>
(At the beach)
Ian: (Spies a hottie) <Wow, that chick has nice firm tits>
Girl: (Something in Greek)
Ian: <What did she say?>
Poro: <She says she can read English and doesn’t appreciate your derogatory comments>
Ian: <Whisper Wow, let’s pass on this bitch>
Poro: <I think she can still read it if you put the word ‘whisper’ beforehand>
Ian: <Whisper No, but I put asterisks before it.>
Poro: <Ah, it’s okay then>
Girl: (Pulls out her own chalkboard) <So which one of you assholes is gonna fuck me?>
Ian and Poro: MAMA MIA!!!



Of course, it may not be this hilarious… real life seldom is.

Today I was packing up my stuff for school (I go to the University of Waterloo and yes I know you are jealous). I pulled out this box from the place where we keep the boxes (read: homeless shelter) and started packing away my personal effects. First, the books went in. They are big-ass university text-books that you can’t really understand because you are not smart enough to go to university and that is why you are wasting your time reading this blog. The box was then about a quarter full. Then went in my personal books (read: Playboys), and a few pieces of bric-a-brac that I have gotten from loved ones. So then the box was half-full. So in went my CD collection, a ball of hemp I bought when I was 15, my files, and some other random stuff. I went into a packing frenzy and it was only when I regained consciousness that I realized I had packed my ENTIRE room into one box. Bed, bookshelf, pet elephant, EVERYTHING.

Great was my chagrin when I saw that the box still wasn’t full.

This is why I wish I was American. Instead of devoting my life to becoming better educated, or trying to impress people with the depth of my insight, I could just become American. I could devote my life to mindless collection of material wealth, then impress people by showing them how much useless crap I have. Here are two sample conversations:

Canadian Ian (now)

Ian: Why hello there, what’s your name?
Interesting-looking girl (ILG): My name is ILGA.
Ian: Oh how pleasant. Is it Swedish?
ILGA: Why yes it is. What do you know about Sweden?
Ian: Not a lot i’m afraid. My interests tend to swing more towards the humanities and sciences.
ILGA: Hmm, well even though you seem well-spoken and have an egregiously large bulge in
your pants, I must shut you down because you lack a level of specific knowledge about a country to which I have some affiliation.
Ian: I am deeply aggrieved.


BUT if I was American

Ian: Yo, bitch
ILG: Pardon me?
Ian: Check it out. I have like 50 kilograms of bling!
ILG: Oooooh!
Ian: What your name is?
ILG: ILGA, it’s Swedish
Ian: Is that where French bread comes from?
ILG: Um, no. That’s France. Are you missing a chromosome?
Ian: Yes, but I also have a cell phone that is also a camera and keys to a new car.
ILG: WOW!
Ian: (Tries to speak, but ILGA’s tongue is in his throat)


So in summation, from now on I will be American. I is gon’ talk like this and not use capital leters or kerrekt spelling or good grammer.

Wow, that got annoying really fast. Screw it, I’ll just get a job.

Editor’s note: This post does not reflect Poromenos’ feelings about women. Please sleep with him as he is a nice person. Also, he has a large penis. Not TOO large so that you get stretch-marks around your mouth, but big enough that you can brag to your girlfriends the next day.

Crommunist’s note:
It has come to my attention that some people are offended by the fact that I am saying that all American girls are stupid sluts. This is, in fact, not true. This applies to all girls equally.

Some day I will explain to you the difference between ‘girls’ and ‘women’. But chances are, if you aren’t smart enough to get the joke, then you’re a girl.

As you can see, in my previous rant I have posted magnificent images of my vacation. You may be saying “Oh, Poromenos, Poromenos, teach me how to draw as magnificently as you.” Because I am a kind and generous person I will say “What the hell? You can never draw like this, you silly person”. However, I can teach you how to draw pictures that come close (or nowhere near close) to mine, so here we go.
First of all, you must buy a copy of Photoshop. Photoshop is the best program for drawing, and it is even a verb meaning “to draw”, much like Google is a verb meaning “to search”. If this hasn’t convinced you about how great Photoshop is, I will tell you that not even Paint Shop Pro can match Photoshop’s features, and it is an essential program if you are serious about drawing great pictures. So you must get that, it’s totally worth the $700 you have to pay. After you get that, we can start the lessons now. I’m using Paint Shop Pro, which is the same as Photoshop, because like hell am I going to pay $700 for a program that does the same as Paint Shop Pro and I can use the Paint Shop Pro trial to draw for free. So you Photoshop users, it’s almost the same thing, so when I say “Paintbrush”, you will go to the “Drawing brush” or whatever.
First of all, you must select the “Paintbrush” tool. Select the black colour and draw a circle, like this:

This will be the HEAD. Draw two little circles on it for eyes, and then draw the mouth and nose, like this:

Then, you will draw the body, drawing one line for the torso and four for the arms and legs, unless you want your person to have more than two arms or legs or tentacles or whatever:

You might think that you are done but you are wrong and you are expelled from class because nobody told you to think, did we? You must draw the hair, because nobody will know if it is a man or woman if your person is bald. Look at how much better this is:

Can you not immediately tell that it is a man now? You can keep adding various embellishments or traits to your person, such as this (I have drawn myself here):

I don’t think that you will be able to draw like this because it requires lots of talent, but you can at least try. Don’t worry if you don’t succeed at first, because that only means you suck. Stop trying and do something else, like collecting garbage from the streets.
Good day.