Today I was packing up my stuff for school (I go to the University of Waterloo and yes I know you are jealous). I pulled out this box from the place where we keep the boxes (read: homeless shelter) and started packing away my personal effects. First, the books went in. They are big-ass university text-books that you can’t really understand because you are not smart enough to go to university and that is why you are wasting your time reading this blog. The box was then about a quarter full. Then went in my personal books (read: Playboys), and a few pieces of bric-a-brac that I have gotten from loved ones. So then the box was half-full. So in went my CD collection, a ball of hemp I bought when I was 15, my files, and some other random stuff. I went into a packing frenzy and it was only when I regained consciousness that I realized I had packed my ENTIRE room into one box. Bed, bookshelf, pet elephant, EVERYTHING.

Great was my chagrin when I saw that the box still wasn’t full.

This is why I wish I was American. Instead of devoting my life to becoming better educated, or trying to impress people with the depth of my insight, I could just become American. I could devote my life to mindless collection of material wealth, then impress people by showing them how much useless crap I have. Here are two sample conversations:

Canadian Ian (now)

Ian: Why hello there, what’s your name?
Interesting-looking girl (ILG): My name is ILGA.
Ian: Oh how pleasant. Is it Swedish?
ILGA: Why yes it is. What do you know about Sweden?
Ian: Not a lot i’m afraid. My interests tend to swing more towards the humanities and sciences.
ILGA: Hmm, well even though you seem well-spoken and have an egregiously large bulge in
your pants, I must shut you down because you lack a level of specific knowledge about a country to which I have some affiliation.
Ian: I am deeply aggrieved.


BUT if I was American

Ian: Yo, bitch
ILG: Pardon me?
Ian: Check it out. I have like 50 kilograms of bling!
ILG: Oooooh!
Ian: What your name is?
ILG: ILGA, it’s Swedish
Ian: Is that where French bread comes from?
ILG: Um, no. That’s France. Are you missing a chromosome?
Ian: Yes, but I also have a cell phone that is also a camera and keys to a new car.
ILG: WOW!
Ian: (Tries to speak, but ILGA’s tongue is in his throat)


So in summation, from now on I will be American. I is gon’ talk like this and not use capital leters or kerrekt spelling or good grammer.

Wow, that got annoying really fast. Screw it, I’ll just get a job.

Editor’s note: This post does not reflect Poromenos’ feelings about women. Please sleep with him as he is a nice person. Also, he has a large penis. Not TOO large so that you get stretch-marks around your mouth, but big enough that you can brag to your girlfriends the next day.

Crommunist’s note:
It has come to my attention that some people are offended by the fact that I am saying that all American girls are stupid sluts. This is, in fact, not true. This applies to all girls equally.

Some day I will explain to you the difference between ‘girls’ and ‘women’. But chances are, if you aren’t smart enough to get the joke, then you’re a girl.