Porocrom’s Crappaper

Today I just came back from a 7-day vacation to Parga (it’s a small town in Greece, I don’t expect you to know where it is). It was overall nice, and I shall go into more detail at once. Here are some things that I liked and some things that I didn’t like about it, with pictures.

Good: The women on the beach were all topless.
Bad: The women on the beach were all over 50 years old.
Conclusion: Girls. I would love to see your boobs, but only if they don’t cause me nightmares. Most of the women could easily hide their breasts in their thongs, that is UNACCEPTABLE. One woman even had a navel ring and was affectionately kissing and hugging her significant other, who could have easily passed for a fossil. Another shameless couple proceeded to remove their bathing suits once they entered the water, and took a few dives, looking like sperm whales with their white asses. None of them were Greeks, because 1) we kill all the women over 40 and 2) we kill all the ugly women. This helps to strengthen our genetic predisposition towards beauty by selective breeding. Also it rocks. So, bottom line is, if you are over 25 or are not slim, please bathe in a nightgown.

Good: The food was very good or very cheap.
Bad: Never both.
Conclusion: What the hell is this? Why do I have to eat food prepared 4 hours ago and warmed up? What’s wrong with you people? There were, of course, classy restaurants that were quite expensive (well, I’m overreacting, they were like $9 per person). Foreigners excelled in this area, as the classy restaurants’ owners were English, Dutch or the generic-blond-with-blue-eyes-countryman type. So it was overall nice, if you knew where to eat (by the way, the English waitress was HOT).

Good: There were some HOT chicks there.
Bad: They wouldn’t even look at me.
Conclusion: I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t speak English. I’m 1.89 85 kgs (that’s like 1ft 1.230lbs for you weird people) and they wouldn’t even look at me. LOOK AT ME, I SAID. But no. Maybe it’s because I was with my family. Maybe it’s because they were with their boyfriends. Hm, nah, that can’t be it. But, girls, my phone number is 555-1234. If you saw me and didn’t look at me because you were with your boyfriend, please call me. Also, ATTENTION: To hot Swedish-looking chick who got her caricature drawn with her boyfriend: I know you were looking at me, call me at the aforementioned number. Kthx.

Below are some pictures of my holidays:


This is a hot chick ignoring me.


This is me sunbathing.


This is me fishing underwater.


This is me eating at a Mexican restaurant.


This is a topless 50 year old topless woman with a pot belly.

I hope you enjoyed looking at my vacation pictures as much as I enjoyed looking at old womens’ breasts. Bastards.

Well, my adventures continued.

Friday night my band (Better Without a Name) played my friend Katrina’s birthday party. The next morning, we loaded up Chris’ van with tents, sleeping bags, BOOZE and a tarping system, and headed out to Arrowhead National Park. The group was Kevin, Mike, Chris and your humble narrator.

Nothing to do when you’re camping except eat, drink and veg… so that’s what we did. Gooooood times. Paddling around the lake, I remembered how much I love canoeing. If you ever plan a canoe trip and you need another person, OMFG call me.

Pictures of stuff will be posted by and by.

Hey all,

After a brief hiatus I am back from a wonderful vacation. I went to visit a friend of mine who lives in Montreal. For those of you who don’t know, Montreal is a city in Quebec, the French-speaking province of Canada. Montreal is almost 100% bilingual though, so it wasn’t QUITE the trip into cocked-snoot territory.

Monday (August 23): Train to Montreal. Found out my French is as rusty as the iron hook that I’m going to jam into the face of the guy who is making me rework this whole post. THOUGHT I told the cab driver “4045 Clark Street please” when I actually said “I am fucking your wife and stealing your 8 year-old daughters panties while she sleeps”. Arrived at Stephanie’s place, caught up on stuff with her, then we went out for noodles. Sit-down Japanese restaurant with a white French-Canadian waitress (weird enough… 6/10 too). Now nothing against the Japanese. They make mighty fine cuisine, and ninjas are sweet, and go technology, but leave the beer to Canadians, okay? SWILL! Then off to the bar with “the gang” (consisting of Stephanie: hottie I met in Barbados and on whose couch I was crashing, Adrienne: friend of Stephanie with the body of a model and the mind of a genius, Matt: neophyte actor and will-be celebrity, Mark: Looks like the angry doctor from Scrubs but is really cool and Katie: OMFG, I think I’m in love – Emily, don’t read that last part). Chatted about nonsense and drank Guinness. Went home by way of a local brewery where I had a hemp beer (YUM).

Tuesday (August 24): Up early to pastry shop for breakfast, then watched everyone go off to work. Felt sad. Took half-bottle of Aspirin and a 26er of Jack Daniel’s. Felt a bit better. Regained consciousness and thought I was in heaven as I saw an angel standing over me, but it was just Katie, telling me it was time to go on a tour of Montreal. Walked around and tried to impress her with my Quebecois French accent, saw a street juggler, went to a costume shop, bought ice cream. Thought of buying gifts for my friends, but then remembered I didn’t have any money, so stiffed them instead. Back to Stephanie’s to shower (alone ) Went to Greek restaurant (jealous Poro?) and drank lots of wine with Stephanie and Adrienne, then out to this dance club where they played funk music. Saw some break-dancing. Tried to join the break-dancers, but apparently my style was too avant-garde (read: shitty) so I spent the evening grabbing their girlfriends’ asses instead (Emily, don’t read that part either… actually, just skip this whole post). On way home, stopped for 99 cent pizza. French got me in trouble again as instead of ordering a 99 cent slice of pizza, I ordered a 99 cent blowjob. Pizza wasn’t that good. Blowjob was all right.

Wednesday (August 25): Up early in the morning to buy more pastries. Then back to Stephanie’s for farewells, then off to the train station.

All in all, 10/10 for the trip. Yous guys are all welcome to come visit me in Toronto.

To the guy who made me repost this, I hate you.

To Poro, thanks for telling me about that guy who wished to remain anonymous.

One of my favorite pastimes these days is to watch the Olympics. Today, however, I realised that many people may not know what some sports are about or how they are played, so I will do you this huge favor and explain every sport separately.

Aquatics

The Aquatics consist of four sports. The first is swimming, which dates all the way back to ancient Greece, where they liked to throw kids in the sea and watch them try to outswim the sharks. The fastest child with a head got the gold medal. It is still almost the same today, but without the sharks. The second sport is water polo, where athletes struggle not to drown, and if they happen to score while trying to catch the ball (which floats and therefore provides a means of salvation), they win. If they drown, they lose. Then there is diving, where they throw you off a cliff and you have to spin and spin and spin and spin aimlessly and hope you don’t land in the water with your belly, because you’re dead. Then there is synchronised swimming, which is the most useful sport in real life of the four. There are two athletes who, while falling, have to watch each other and spin simultaneously. The athletes who look the least, win.

Archery

Most of you already know archery, it is the sport in which you get a ridiculously oversized bow which has a computer, a TV and a DVD player mounted on it, and you try to shoot arrows at the target while you are watching a movie on the DVD. Ancient Greeks used to have their normal bows which were only a stick with a piece of thread tied to it, and they had to shoot slaves in the eye to win.

Athletics

Athletics are sports in which you run (or walk) like hell various distances, ranging from 100m (that’s like 10 ft for you americans) to 40 km (that’s 30 ft for you americans) and maybe jump a bit too.

Badminton

Badminton is gay as hell, there are two people who toss a feather (called a shuttlecock) to each other. If neither of them wants it, why don’t they just give it to the judges and go drink a beer? Anyway, nobody knows the point of this sport, and I don’t think you get any medals for it.

Baseball

There is no hope for anyone to understand this sport. Only Americans pretend to understand it because they don’t want to look stupid because they invented it and how lame would that be if even the inventor cannot understand their own sport? So out of embarrasment they watch it all day long although even the players don’t know what’s going on. From what I gather though, someone throws a ball to someone else, and he hits it on the head with a bat and runs around like crazy. If the ball goes to the viewers and hits someone, the team scores. It is a particularly violent sport and many a viewer has died from it.

Basketball

You all know basketball, it’s like when your boss at work gives you a document for you to sign and whatever and you say “fuck this” and roll it up into a ball and you throw it at the bin and you miss, only these people do it with a ball and get paid for that. So yeah, I guess you lose there.

Boxing

Punch the shit out of people. Last person alive wins.

Canoeing

You get in a small boat called a canoe and try not to get hit on the head from some poles sticking out of the ceiling while floating around trying not to drown.

Cycling

You get on your bike and run in circles. When you realise you aren’t going anywhere you stop, and the fastest person to realise that wins.

Equestrian

Equestrian means “something to do with horses” and so you understand that you get on a horse and make it do crap like jump around and look happy and roll over. If the horse is in heat you lose, because its dick knocks over all the wooden things when it jumps over them.

Fencing

Fencing is a wussy sport where you try to stab each other, only the swords don’t work and you have flashing lights on your helmet and guns aren’t even allowed, so noone ever dies. That sucks.

Football

Football is the best sport ever (not that crap Americans call football, that’s just team boxing with a ball thrown in for distraction) because Greece is European Champion 2004. We are getting our ass kicked in the Olympics by everyone, including Mali, but that’s just because the team is not the original Greek team but some 16 year old kids.

Gymnastics

Gymnastics is where you jump around and hang from stuff. All men in Gymnastics are gay, and the women have no tits, nice asses though. The one who jumps around the most wins.

Handball

Handball is like football only it’s played with the hands, hence the name. We sometimes win at it, so I guess it’s OK.

Hockey

Hockey is gay, it’s like football but you have sticks and the ball is so small you can’t even see it. Nobody watches that unless we somehow win a medal, then it will rock.

Judo

Judo is the art of laying someone on their back. It is especially useful for man vs woman, when you want to get laid. We got a golden medal there, so it’s quite good.

Modern Pentathlon

No idea what this is, but from the name I will assume that they do five things at once, maybe like sing and spin plates on their noses or something.

Rowing

Rowing is, as the nursery rhyme says, where you row your boat gently down the stream, only not so gently. You row like a motherfucker, because if the others catch you, it’s your ass.

Sailing

Sailing is great, we got one gold medal already and we’re probably getting more, so it’s one of my favorites. You get on your yacht and you try to finish before all the others. A sport for rich people only, obviously.

Shooting

Shooting is more or less known, you get a gun and shoot pigeons. The more you shoot the better it is, and sometimes you can eat some if you get lucky and they fall near you.

Softball

Seriously, what is this crap? Who has ever heard of softball? I saw a picture once and there are people with bats in the field, kind of like baseball, and also they both end in -ball. Other than that, all the Greek players have American names, so it can’t be very good. Probably a fake sport.

Table Tennis

This is what Forrest Gump (god that movie sucked) played, only without the special effects, these guys actually use a ball. It’s like tennis on a small scale, invented for people who are too lazy to walk three meters across the field to hit the ball. It’s always funny to watch asians play it, because they make these funny noises whenever they hit the ball, or maybe they are talking.

Taekwondo

Taekwondo is another beat-em-up sport where you try to kick the shit out of people. I have not seen it yet but I think it hasn’t begun yet. I will keep you posted.

Tennis

Tennis is great because the Lena Daniilidou is hot. It is mildly entertaining because nobody wants the ball here either but instead of just letting it pass, they hit it and send it towards the other player, so it’s mostly a game of vengeance.

Triathlon

Like the pentathlon, but they do three things at a time instead of five. Easier.

Volleyball

Volleyball is great, and beach volley even more so. The chicks of beach volley all have great bodies, and even if their faces look like shit they’re wearing sunglasses so huge that you can’t see their face at all. People who can’t afford cable watch beach volley to get off. Perverts.

Weightlifting

Weightlifting is great because we win most of the time. You get in there, lift a huge weight, and win. Nasty chicks though.

Wrestling

Wrestling is like Judo, but more Greek. You still try to lay people on their backs but the names of the moves are not Japanese and the athletes are shorter and wear those ridiculous uniforms.

That’s it for today, I hope you have a much better understanding of all the Olympic Sports now. Pay for our Games, drink Coca-Cola.

Inspired by the previous post, I decided to write this guide for all you blokes who are barely presentable enough to get a chick, but not enough to keep her. This guide aims to enable you to win her back after she has inevitably dumped you.
The basic thing to remember is that women like real men (don’t worry, there may be hope). So, whatever you do, act like a man. It may be hard, but you have to try. I will now give you a few examples of how you should act if you want to win the egoistical ho back.
Wrong: Calling her and saying “Please forgive me, I know I can do better.”
Right: Calling her and saying “Fuck, I didn’t get a date tonight. If you wanna fuck, come by my place.”
This makes multiple points with one statement. First of all, it shows her that you get laid more frequently than a $1 hooker. Secondly, it shows that you couldn’t give a fuck if she wants to fuck or not, because of the first statement. And thirdly, it shows you know how to use a phone. Chicks dig that.

Wrong: Saying “If you come back, I will give you the sun and the moon and all my money.”
Right: Saying “What the fuck, why am I even talking to you? Excuse me, but a chick whose name I don’t know is in my bed waiting for me.”
This demonstrates that for one, you really don’t want to talk to her, and also you have a chick whom you just met in your bed. This makes her mad because it hurts her ego, and makes her jealous that you are over her already. Women really hate that shit.

Wrong: Saying “I have been so lonely since you left!”
Right: Saying “I porked a fat chick yesterday. She reminded me of you a lot.”
The aforementioned statement lets her know that not only do you get laid a lot, but also with ugly fat chicks who remind you of her. That makes her realise that you not only have low standards when it comes to women, but these low standards were what made you approach her in the first place. That will get her to realise that she doesn’t deserve better than you.

Wrong: Giving her gifts and seeking her attention.
Right: Giving other women gifts and getting their attention.
This way she sees that you couldn’t care less about her and that other women like you a whole lot. She will then surely realise what a big catch you are and beg you on her knees to take her back.

The above situations are only an example of what you must do in any other situation in order to get her back. Let’s face it though, if you were this popular, she wouldn’t have left you anyway, and the mere fact that she left you means that she doesn’t care about you, so the only thing you can do is beg her to take you back so you can buy her presents and kiss her on the cheek sometime while she fucks football players. Good luck with that.