Porocrom’s Crappaper

I have a friend… let’s call him Peter.

Peter is 21, tall, fit, funny, interesting, etc etc. His job pays well, he gets a lot of hours, and on the side, when he’s not teaching hip-hop or cheerleading for York University, he’s a DJ at a local club. In short, Peter is a fuckin’ CATCH AND A HALF.

Peter is recently single.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Holy shit, this guy must be STOKED! He’s smart, rich, and free of girlfriendly attachments!” Peter is anything but stoked. Since the breakup, he has pined and bitched and generally NOT been cool about the whole thing. Peter has thunderclouds in his MSN handle and says things like “I would do anything to make it better” and “My fate has decided my life” and Dashboard Confessional-type bullshit like that.

Gentlemen: If (God forbid) your possessive, controlling, possibly philandering girlfriend cuts you loose, you are better off. When you’re in a relationship where you put your heart, time and cash into making things work, and the other person just sits there and receives it all, and all you get is passable sex, you can probably do better… unless you are really hairy… or completely hairless.

If you (for some bizzarre reason) want her back, here are a few strategies GUARANTEED to make you miserable even if you get your wish. 1) Pine for her, arrest the rest of your life 2) call incessantly 3) Tell her “I’ll do anything” 4) Write poetry and send it to her 5) Talk to all her friends to find out what went wrong 6) Blame yourself for EVERYTHING (unless you cheated, then it is your own fault you bastard).

The best advice I ever got from a girl was “women like MEN”. If you want to impress this bitch, then be a man! Tell her “I don’t know why you’d give up the good thing you’ve got, but if you want to talk to me about it, you have my number”. Then, SEE OTHER PEOPLE! Jealousy is an aphrodisiac. If you let her think that she can control you, then she WILL. If you say you’ll wait for her, she’ll make you wait. If you say you’ll make it work, she’ll make you work. If you say that you can do better, she just might believe you.

But seriously don’t get back together with her unless she has a big booty and a nice rack… or a best friend/sister/mom with same and you have a reasonable chance of a threesome.

Hello everyone,

Today I went downtown to meet up with my sister who is visiting from the west coast. As we were walking down the street, we heard this one half of the following conversation:

“Well I don’t think I want to talk to you any more then… No, YOU fucked up, and now you’re fucking out of luck… I don’t know, you don’t need me to have a good time in Toronto… I don’t fucking know… go to a fucking strip club then… I’ll reccomend several strip clubs to you that I’ve never been to… No, fuck you!”

Nothing would have brought me greaer pleasure than to end this guy’s life for him (since he was obviously tired of living), but since the law does not allow euthanasia, I tried to simply ignore him. However, this was made impossible by the fact that he was SHOUTING INTO HIS PHONE!

Moral #1: If you are on a phone in a public place, realize that you are not the only person around. Kindly, respectfully, refrain from using language that you wouldn’t use if you were talking around children. Moderate the volume of your voice. If the person cannot hear you, call them back from a more quiet location. Otherwise, please realize that I will kill you.


Shortly following this incident, I stepped into a bank to withdraw some money. On my way out, I was almost sliced in half by a girl who was so painfully thin that I mistook her for a 2-dimensional projection of a human image.

Moral #2: Skinny is not attractive. Slender is good, fit is better. Skinny is gross. You live in a developed country where food is readily available. There are children who would LOVE to be fat, but can’t find food and have to eat rocks and stuff. (Note to parents: If your child refuses to be 3-D, feed them intravenously in their sleep; IT WORKS!)


I then came upon a couple sitting on a park bench, enjoying some time together. It was very cute up until they began to make out in a way that should be reserved for the privacy of the bedroom – or if it is two girls, the webcam. I immediately began to vomit all over them, splattering them in what remained of my smoked salmon focaccia sandwich.

Moral #3: Don’t make out in public. Nobody else cares how happy you are together. If you can survive without holding hands, smooching, grabbing butts, or acting in any way that suggests you are a couple, you should. There are lonely, depressed, angry people out there, and your public display may push them over the edge. Also you will get vomitted on.

Fellow, uh, people that can read. Today I would like to shed some light on the pressing issue of PEOPLE WHO BITCH ABOUT PEOPLE WHO USE CAPS A LOT. If you consider the difference between capital and small letters, you will realise that capitals are only a few millimeters higher than small letters. That having been said, whenever I try to utter a few words in capitals, I get reactions similar to OH MY GOD, HE IS USING CAPS! HELP! SLIGHTLY LARGER LETTERS! CALL THE AUTHORITIES! Calm down, people. It’s not the end of the world! I understand that a common use of capital letters is to convey shouting, but the psychological effect seems to be so strong that some people act like you shouted profane obscenities in their ear. I would suggest seeking professional help. Until you do that, please, please PLEASE don’t act like I dismembered, burned and then raped 9 members of your family. Thank you.

As you may already know, Greeks invented many things, including but not limited to the Olympics, all the languages, and the entire world. So who better than a Greek (me) to teach you some basic English.

Lesson 1: You’re vs Your

You’re means you are. It is easy to remember if you think of the apostrophe as an a. That way, it becomes youare, which is easier for people of your intelligence (or lack thereof) to remember.
Example: You’re a whore.
Your is the possessive form, indicating that you own something. The basic rule of thumb for this is: “Whenever you write ‘your’, delete it and use ‘you are’ and vice-versa.”
Example: Your daughter is a bigger whore than even yourself.

Lesson 2: Who vs Whom

There is not a chance in hell that you will ever be able to learn the difference between the two, so just use who, unless you want to appear knowledgeable, in which case you will fail anyway, so you can use either. Hint: “I boned mai sister 2day, whom i luv veri much.” doesn’t work very well.

Lesson 3: It’s vs Its

This one is a long shot, but let me try. It’s means it is. You can remember this by thinking of the apostrophe as an i, which will make it itis.
Example: It’s not odd that your kid is a retard, since you married your sister.
Its again indicates possession, i.e. that you own something. Again the rule of thumb is: “Whatever you want to use, it’s wrong. Use the other one.”
Example: Wow, you have a really small dick. Its length is about 3 centimeters.

Lesson 4: Murder is illegal

Please do not murder your language every time you speak. It’s not u, it’s you. It’s not tho or b4 or ne1, it’s though and before and anyone. If you don’t know how each word is spelled, there are institutions that can teach you. They’re called schools, go to one.

Lesson 5: Use embellishments sparingly

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for using smileys and all that crap, they convey emotion very effectively. The sentence You are a motherfucking asshole! will get you beat up, while the sentence You are a motherfucking asshole! will (hopefully) not. A beating is not a small thing to avoid with just a colon and a P.
However, things like the hideous japanese manga face things like ^^ or ^_ are NOT permitted. The only things this conveys are “I have a face” and “I am a retarded American kid that would like to be Japanese because of all the superpowers they have.” Avoid the use of these abominations at all costs.

I hope against hope that this clears things up for you somewhat, so I will not have to tell your mom that you stay up late jerking off to shemale porn.
Suggestions/corrections are welcome, send them to billgates@microsoft.com.

It’s yesterday. I’m on my newbie (whenever I’m on a low level char I act like a newbie, it’s psychological, shut up and read). I’m stranded at the square and I desperately need to get back to the hq, but I’m out of recalls. There are about 10 people there, so I’m thinking, “one of these good people is bound to have a recall on him”, so I politely say “OMFG GIVE ME A RECALL I’M STRANDED”. Nobody responded, so I kept repeating my polite request a for a couple of minutes, at which time I got a response, although it was not at all what I expected. Instead of giving me a recall, people tried to convince me that I didn’t need one, sort of like the opposite of telemarketers.
The conversation was something like this:
-Why do you want a recall, it brings you north of here anyway.
-NO IM BAALI I HAVE TO GET TO HQ
-Why not just portal?
-IM LEV 10 I AM A THEIF PLZ GIVE ME RECALL
-Just use your mage to make a portal.
-ITS FAR AWAY I CANNOT MAKE PORTALK PLZ HELP
-Just go 8w of here and portal to Bukken.
You can imagine my frustration, since this entire conversation could have been avoided with his giving me a recall. He was an av warrior, so I’m sure he had some, but nooooo… Whoever said that crap about giving a man a fish and teaching them to fish, never MUDded. I WANT A FUCKING FISH, JUST GIVE IT TO ME.
After a few minutes I found a kind soul that wanted to help. “Great!”, I thought. “My torment is finally over!”. But, o cruel fate! Little did I know that this person also had read too much Chinese philosophy, and he was confused with all the fishes and men. He tried to teach me how to buy recalls. He prompted me to walk southward with him, but I promptly ignored his suggestions and waited patiently for some charitable person to aid me in my quest for recall. All my ordermates were walking past the square without so much as looking at me, which infuriated me even more and urged me to comment kindly on their behaviour, offering constructive criticism such as “YOU SUX”, “UP URS” and “DIE FAGG0R”. Unfortunately, they chose not to heed my advice, and left me to my begging, much like a cheap whore trying to score a trick.
When I finally realised that noone was going to help me, I decided to swallow my pride and go buy a recall. The helpful fish person was still 2 south urging me to follow him west, which I did. After a bit of useless wandering about, we reached the recall selling place, and I bought one and recall.
What is the world coming to? I remember in the olden days, when you would so much as imply that you needed a recall and not only 10 people would give you bags full of them, but dozens of people would trans you portalfuls of recalls. These youngsters have no sense of morality whatsoever. I tried to teach them some manners a while ago (some of you may remember the Murders in Rue Newb) but unfortunately not only did I fail miserably, but what was meant to be a valuable life’s lesson ended up with me getting helled for 15 days (for the first time in my career, I might add). I don’t know what we can do, if you have any ideas feel free to comment on this.