Porocrom’s Crappaper

Hello all,

I know I spend a lot of time talking about (read: satirizing) things I don’t like. So you may ask yourself, Skivven, what DO you like? Well, idiot, my name isn’t Skivven so you’re starting off on the wrong foot.

Well kids, I like music. I like music a lot. So, from time to time I will be releasing reviews on bands that I like to listen to, songs that hold particular meaning for me, and the like.

Before I get started, I need to plug a Waterloo band called Glory Fades. They have just released a 6-track disc under the title Anne Esthetic. I got a chance to catch up to the band at a record signing at Tower Records in New York City.

Crom: Hey guys, thanks for agreeing to this interview
GF: Hi Ian. What are you talking about?
Crom: So I’ve heard the disc, and it’s fantastic. I gotta ask, is it true what they say about rock-stars and hyperchondriasis?
GF: Um… I dunno, what do they say?
Crom: HAHAHA! You guys are too funny. So tell me, Anne Esthetic. What’s that about? Word on the street is that she is some chick you met at a hospital, am I right?
GF: Actually, it is a very clever play on the word ‘anesthetic’, which is a type of drug used to…
Crom: OUTSTANDING! I heard your world tour was a huge success. Tell me about it.
GF: World Tour? Maybe from UW to Laurier, but that hardly qualifies as…
Crom: You don’t say. Penguins? I wouldn’t think that avian creatures would enjoy your particular brand of thought-provoking rock and roll.
GF: Penguins? WTF?
Crom: Hmm, I see. Well guys, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Glory Fades’ star is rising, and THIS humble reporter was there at the ground floor.

Anyways, enough non-sequitur nonsense. On to serious business.

I would be remiss if I started a music column without doing my first post about THIS band. Started out of Nashville, Tennessee, they released their first album (entitled Motorcade of Generosity) in 1994. The band was none other than Cake. Since their somewhat obscure first album, they went on to garner major public recognition with their second album, Fashion Nugget. In addition to the smash hit “The Distance”, Cake released a cover of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” that presented the band’s quirky yet rugged sound in a song that still gets air-play, almost 10 years later. 1998’s Prolonging the Magic gave us “Sheep go to Heaven (Goats go to Hell)” and “Never There”. In 2001, the single “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” – arguably Cake’s most recognized single – announced the release of the Comfort Eagle album. They are expected to release a new album entitled Pressure Chief and have already leaked the single No Phone over the radio.

Now that the crazy reporter bullshitting is over, here is my take on Cake. Most bands coming out with rock music seem primarily concerned with sounding EXACTLY like another band (I submit for your consideration Creed/Tea Party/Nickelback/Theory of a Deadman/Default/etc. etc.). Cake, I found, was something brand new. They took a lot of different influences; funk, bluegrass, rock, pop, and some definite tips of the hat to classical music, and wove it into a unique style. I’ve heard some people complain about John McCrea’s relentless syncopation and unspectacular voice (Justin Ellsworth – “It makes me want to punch myself in the dick”). John’s singing is very stylized, but it is almost instrumental in its composition. It blends with the other instruments to form a solid core of music. Instead of being the focus (i.e. Velvet Revolver, anything with Perry Farell in it, the Vienna Boy’s Choir), his voice is just another element of the music.

Another thing I really like about Cake is their unique use of instrumentation. This is particularly visible on Prolonging the Magic where some of the instruments used include: Moogwai synthesizer, mandolin, various steel and pedal guitars, and musical saw! They also have a full-time trumpet player, long before those assholes with the bagpipes came along, or those pussies in Yellowcard with their electric violin (the guy stinks by the way. When I could hear him over the lead singer’s weeping, my immediate thought was something along the lines of “Suzuki book 3”).

So listen to Cake when you get a chance. I recommend the following songs:

• She’ll Come Back to Me
• Mexico
• Hem of Your Garment
• Symphony in C
• Pretty Pink Ribbon
• Stickshifts and Safety Belts
• I Bombed Korea
• Mr. Mastodon Farm

So yes, it is time for yet ANOTHER Crommunist rant.

There are two types of females in the world. Girls, and women. Girls (ideally) grow to become women, and men everywhere rejoice. This is because women are friends to all mankind. Women are a marvellous balance to masculinity, and when men and women get together, it is a good thing for all parties concerned.

Girls however, are the scum of the universe. Girls are self-absorbed immature brattish hellions bent on the control and domination of the male species. (Now I must put as way of a disclaimer that I am not referring to little girls who are still growing up. If you are below, let’s say, 17, then you are allowed to be a girl.)

It’s difficult to really typify the differences, as they are multitude. Women are mature, self-confident, assertive (without being overly aggressive) people who are still in touch with their femininity. They take pride in their personal appearance without trying to appear overly sluttish. They apply themselves to what they do and are capable of judging a person based on their actions above their possessions.

GIRLS, on the other hand, take particular pleasure in their immaturity. They squeal with delight when they can exploit another human being, or cut them down with scorn. They obsess over personal possessions, self-obsess and have little-to-no ability to share or be any less than the CENTER of attention at all times.

While I can describe the differences quite eloquently, since I am the master of metaphor, the archduke of analogy, the sultan of simile, I will give some examples.

Dude: So, what would you like to do tonight?
Woman: I dunno, whatever
Dude: Well, some of my friends are having a party, we could go there.
Woman: Well I’m not really in a partying mood. Perhaps we could go see a movie? There is a new one out that looks really good.
Dude: Is it a chick flick?
Woman: Kind of. Maybe we can find something we’d both enjoy at the video store and I can take one of my girlfriends to see that other movie another night.
Dude: Okay, I’ll get my keys.

See how easy that was? Now let’s look at GIRLS

Dude: So, what would you like to do tonight?
Girl: I dunno, whatever
Dude: Well, some of my friends are having a party, we could go there.
Girl: No, I don’t really feel like a party
Dude: Well then what do you feel like doing?
Girl: Oh, whatever you want to do…
Dude: How about we rent a movie?
Girl: There’s nothing out that I like.
Dude: Well then suggest something!
Girl: I don’t really care what we do. You pick something…
(Then dude suggests things for half an hour and girl shoots them all down)
Dude: FINE! Why don’t we just go to the mall and you can buy 12 identical pairs of shoes on my credit card!
Girl: Sure, if that’s what you want to do…

- NOTE: I have been in this position. OMFG it sucks –

Situation #2

Woman: Hey, some chick named Julie called while you were out.
Dude: Oh, sorry I forgot to mention this. I am going out to coffee with my friend Julie from work. I think you met her at Jason’s party. She was the supermodel dance instructor with no gag reflex.
Woman: Hmm, when are you two going out?
Dude: That night when you said you were going to be at your mom’s place for dinner. I didn’t want it to conflict with your plans.
Woman: Well that is thoughtful. While I can’t say I am completely comfortable with you and this babe, I know that you have been faithful to me and that you have a right to your own friends. Please be extra-careful not to give this girl any wrong ideas.
Dude: I appreciate your trust and will not to anything to betray it.


Now let’s see what happens when you have a girl as a girlfriend…


Girl: Who is this Chelsea WHORE?
Dude: Pardon me?
Girl: Some chick named Chelsea called while you were on the john.
Dude: Oh, CHELSEA! You met her, remember? She is my hunchback one-legged nun friend with all the warts all over her face? I’m suprised you don’t remember the incredible stench and the stain she left on the carpet.
Girl: YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME!
Dude: How could I? You keep me on this 10’ leash all the time!
Girl: Then why are all these women calling you?
Dude: All these women? Just Chelsea!
Girl: What about that chick Harriet who keeps calling and leaving messages and saying she loves you?
Dude: That’s my MOM!
Girl: Whatever…


Now you see the difference? Of course you don’t. Here is one more.


Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

(Women, as an aside, this question is NOT fair. There is no right answer to this question, or “do you think that girl is prettier than me?” Just don’t ask, please. On behalf of men everywhere, I’m begging you.)

Dude: No, I like that dress. Besides, you’re beautiful, what could possibly make you look anything less than stunning?
Woman: That is SO sweet. You always know the right thing to say. Tonight we’ll have EXTRA sex.
Dude: Well that suits me just fine.


Wow, what a great gal! But uh-oh, what do girls do?


Girl: Does this dress make me look fat?
Dude: No, I like that dress. Besides, you’re beautiful, what could possible make you look anything less than stunning?
Girl: So then looks are all that matter to you? What about my MIND?
Dude: I love your mind too!
Girl: So you’re saying I’m fat then! I HATE YOU!


There is no way of escaping the circle of girl-logic. You’re wrong no matter what you say. Just throw some money on the dresser and get out of the house.

So now you see the problems. Women, I applaud you. You are genuinely lovely people and a pleasure to have around. Guys everywhere will agree that a woman is a wonderful asset to any relationship. A GIRL however, is good for only one thing… making your life more complicated.

To girls, if you are hot, give me a call.

Okay, since everyone and his semi-retarded 3-legged (and other hyphenated adjectives as well) dog has a reality show, I am throwing my hat into the ring.

Introducing…

The reality show where ‘reality’ is a generous euphemism! The scene opens on a group of 8 people, 4 STUNNING girls, 3 RIPPED guys, and one fat unemployed stamp-collector from Wobitaughie, Maine, standing on a beach on a gorgeous island in the south-Pacific. The host, a pretentious Frenchman with a bright orange suit, arrives from a helicopter carrying a treasure chest.

Host: Congratulations, out of 300 applicants, the 7 of you…

Fatty: Um, 8

Host: (Pulls out German Luger pistol from his belt and shoots fatty in the fat) The 7 of you have been chosen to compete for the contents of this chest. However, the contents will remain unknown to you until the winner has collected all the pieces of the map to find the location of the chest.

Muscle-bound-dude #1: Umm, it’s right behind you.

Host: (Cocks Luger) Anyone else feel like pointing out obvious plot holes? (All contestants shake heads) Good. Your first task will be to build a canoe out of birch bark, then paddle across the bay, where you will have to wrestle a live bear. Once defeated, the bear will indicate where the next challenge is, a 500-foot climb up a slippery rock wall to the top of “Contestant-killer Falls” where you will find another piece of the map.

Killer-body-girl#4: That doesn’t sound too hard.

Host: Aha! But there is a twist! All the birch trees on the island are home to KILLER BEES!
(Cutaway to Dude #2 on the ‘record your private thoughts’ camera)

Dude #2: When he mentioned the bees, I was a little freaked out. You see, when I was young, a family of bees killed my father and carried my mother off to work in a factory. Oh wait, those weren’t bees, they were Republicans.

(Back to host)

Host: Aha! There is another twist! The lake is filled with piranhas, and instead of water, it is 12.0 M Hydrochloric acid! And also, I will be shooting at you with a high-powered rifle as you cross.

Girl #1: Oh my god!

Host: Aha! And also the bear hasn’t eaten in 6 weeks and you will be tied up and smeared with rotten fish-guts and honey, and also the bear has a samurai sword.

Dude #3: Egadzooks!

Host: Aha! And also instead of water in the waterfall, bowling balls fall down!

Girl #2: Crikey!

Host: Aha! And also, instead of getting a piece of the map, you will be disemboweled and skinned and used to make a drum that will call cannibals to come and eat all the other contestants!

Dude #1: What the FUCK!?

Host: Aha! And also, I’m not REALLY a host, but an actor planted into the show by the directors to turn you against each other!

Dude #2: I’m ALSO a plant inserted by the directors, to bring the contestants closer to each other but turned against the host!

Girl #3: Okay, who ISN’T an actor planted by the directors? (Everyone looks around, but no hands go up)

Then the island eats them… Except fatty’s corpse. Because actually the island is a monster, planted by the directors to eat the cast and crew because it is a stupid show.



And inside the treasure chest was some lame prize, like a subscription to MAD magazine except they run nothing but Kaputnik jokes for the whole year.

Wow, I haven’t posted in a while.

Let’s talk about something that happened to me last week. I went out to celebrate the birthdays of two friends of mine. We started off at a bar called McMullan’s, drank quite the number of beers (even though everyone thought my red beer was gross I liked it). After a few hours we decided to finish up the night at a karaoke bar called The Silver Spur. I sang like a meadowlark that had been shot in the throat.

Anyways, my singing is not the subject of this post. What happened was a friend of mine… let’s call her “Teth” was acting pretty drunk (although she assures me that she wasn’t) and flirting HEAVILY with this guy… let’s call him “Bandy Roudreau”. Now this would be fine if “Bandy” knew the rules, but I don’t think he did. BTW, here are the rules.

THA RULEZ
1) Don’t ever do anything with a girl when she’s drunk that you wouldn’t do if she was sober. Basically, if she wasn’t interested in you before you bought her all those shots, then it’s date-rape.
2) Drunk girls will flirt with, grind up on, or generally behave hornily towards ANYONE. This is not to say you are unattractive, but keep your head on straight or else you are setting yourself up for disappointment later.
3) OBSERVE THE COCK-BLOCK. OMFG this is the most important one. When a friend of a drunk girl, of either gender, initiates a cock-block, back off and try again another day. You have the right to be irritated as fuck about it, but they’re being a good friend; don’t make their life any harder.

So anyways, “Bandy” didn’t know the rules. “Teth”‘s friends (of whom I am one) noticed her highly unusual behaviour. “Sandi” initiated a classic chick cock-block by dancing with “Teth”, attempting to pull her away. However, she was counter-cock-blocked by “Chris”. As we were preparing to leave, yours truly decided to step things up a bit. Since “Teth” and I live fairly close together, I volunteered to walk her home. By this time she was cognizant enough to realize what she was doing, and tried to extricate herself from the friendly-yet-a-little-too-friendly situation. This is when “Bandy” showed his disregard for all three rules.

Now, far be it from me to underestimate the effects that alcohol has on the human brain (please see my last post) but when someone comes out and says “Okay, for the purposes of tonight, I am being a grade-A cock-block. Tomorrow you can do whatever you like, but tonight she’s getting into bed ALONE and that’s the end of it”, would you not see that as the time to tactfully withdraw? Apparently not.

Gentlemen, I have advice, but first I need you to drink a 26er of rye, so I can talk to the drunk you. I can wait…

…

…

Okay ready?

It has been my own experience and the experience of others (as related to me) that women respect tact and perceptiveness much more than they respect drunken back-rubs while you’re trying to walk home. Not to diminish the greatness if a back-rub, but if it has been clearly articulated to you that you’re not getting anywhere, then the smart thing to do is behave politely and try to salvage any left-over guilt that she might have. The cock-blocker (unless they are an ass) KNOWS that they are violating the rules, but for a noble cause. If you act the fool, they lose any remorse. If you behave well, you’re looking at a recommendation from at LEAST the cock-blocker himself, if not the drunk girl.


Teth, no more for you. Bandy, ‘tis a shame my friend, better luck next time.

To all of you, beware the dangers of loose women.

I watched this movie yesterday, about some students who were writing a college project on Jack the Ripper, and a copycat serial killer started killing them one by one. It was the biggest load of crap I’ve seen in a long time, so I thought I would share it with you. Mind you, I don’t know the title of the movie or any of the actors in it (except perhaps their professor, but I don’t even know his name), and I don’t particularly care to find out. The previous sentence serves no purpose at all, I just didn’t want to start a new paragraph after only two lines of text.
This movie featured some great acting, such as the British exchange student, whose accent was 10% British and 80% American (the rest 10% was when he didn’t speak). Seriously, that guy was such a joke, he pronounced half the words with a British accent and half with an American accent. I can do better than that, and I’m neither British nor American. I have no idea why I was not cast for the movie, but I’m just grateful, because it was a wreck.
So, after a few murders they drive (flee? I wasn’t watching too carefully) up to a cabin on the mountain, and they lock themselves in it to wait for daylight to come. When their professor tries to call for help from his cellphone, he finds out that it is not working, so naturally he assumes that the storm has damaged the antenna on the top of the mountain. He tells his eight or nine students that the phone is not working, and one of them goes “I have a little knowledge of electronics, I will go fix it!”. Hey, dumbass, this is not the same as putting batteries in your mom’s dildo, this is complex electronics. I mean, how stupid is that, the multi-million-dollar communications antenna breaks down and a sociology or what-the-fuck-ever undergrad student will go fix it. Naturally, some of the students get the faint idea that there is something wrong with that statement, so one chick tries to stop them by saying, obviously, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”. REALLY?! Why would that not be a good idea!? You mean that I shouldn’t go off alone in the middle of the night to the top of the mountain just because a serial killer wants to kill me, and that I should safely wait in here with nine more people? That’s crazy! Our electronics expert obviously disagrees because “she can’t tell him what to do”, and he gets in the car with a few more students (including the one that warned him, go figure) and they all drive off to the top of the mountain.
Somewhere along the way, the car breaks down (what a surprising plot twist, nobody could see THAT coming!) for no readily apparent reason, and they get out to wait for the killer (I think they actually had another reason for getting out, but it was stupid and I don’t remember it). As you can imagine, they all die, or maybe one survives.
We now go back to the cabin where the others are waiting, and they are trying to figure out why the killer is killing them in that order. As soon as they start to find a logical pattern in the murders, the movie comes to an abrupt end, because I turned off the television, I can’t stand to watch that shit. If you want to know what happens next though, I will venture a guess that the power goes off and they all end up dead, and the killer was actually the chick that warned the dude not to go fix the antenna. Can I have my Academy Award now?