Porocrom’s Crappaper

I am sure everyone has had a moment in our lives where we thought, “Damn! I really should have said that!”. Like when you realize that the cute woman sitting next to you in the bus was staring at you while you were getting off, you think “I really should have talked to her.” or when you watch your wife drive off the edge of a cliff you think “I really should have told her that I removed the brake fluid for repairs today”. It’s these small moments that you will end up regretting for a long time.
But, fear not. I am here to save the day. There are a few simple steps you can follow to cut down on the amount of regretting you do. First and foremost, of course, is to not do something you might regret. So, the next time you see a cute girl, talk to her. It is better to get shot down every time than to think that there was a one in a million chance that she might not have spit on you. Of course, we both know you are too chickenshit to talk to a woman, so here is the next piece of advice:
Try your best to recreate the circumstances which you regret. If you missed the woman on the bus, get on the bus again (don’t be afraid of looking stupid, you do anyway) and talk to her. If you killed your wife, serve your time, get married again, remove the brake fluid again and this time, tell her about it. This is a surefire way to relieve your conscience and help you sleep better at night.
I hope this short guide has helped you to improve your quality of life significantly. As always, cute women email me at idontgivemyemailtoanyone@domain.com.

Some people may think that I have forgotten to place Australia and Antarctica on the map. That is, of course, a fallacy. They are both there, but you can’t see them, because the map is a Mercator Projection. They are a bit to the left and down. Shut up now.
As always, email corrections and hatemail to billgates@microsoft.com.

Today’s geography lesson is about Canada. Canada is here:


Population: Good people, albeit a bit few.
Language: Modded American English, pronouncing “about” as “aboot”.
Flag: Red with a fig leaf to cover their nakedness.
National Anthem: Yes.
Area: Hugeass area, that’s why there are two people per square kilometer in the city.
Currency: Canadian dollar. They call it dollar so you think it’s American dollar, but it’s cheaper, so it makes everything look more expensive, i.e. “Hey, look! I got this car for $150.000!” “Wow, is it a Ferrari?” “No, dodge” “Oh, you mean Canadian dollars.”
Capital: The capital is apparently Ottawa, although everyone thinks it is Toronto, except the people who live in Ottawa.

So I was listening to the radio today – as I usually do – and this song by Linkin Park came on; one of their older ones, it was about how the lead singer hates his dad because he touched his naughty bits or something. I wasn’t really paying close attention. And then this song by Simple Plan came on, and it was about THE EXACT SAME THING! And then a couple okay songs came on, then this song by 3 Day’s Grace came on, and OMFG it was the same song as the other two. This got me to thinking: these guys are the voices of an entire generation of jaded teenagers, which is admirable because they need a voice, but the guys in these bands are all at least 25.

I think the time has come for the shoe to go on the other foot. Idiot teenagers of the world! Throw aside your NOFX and Brittney Spears records (yes, I lump them in the same category) and start writing songs about having to work a full-time job to pay off your mortgage and how your kids hate you and listen to shitty music all the time. Write songs about how your joints have started aching and your wife won’t fuck you anymore because she’s taking night classes on how to be a better spouse. Write songs about how you wish that you could go back to the days when life was simple and the only thing you had to worry about was the fact that your parents hated your hairstyle, but STILL DROVE YOU TO SCHOOL EVERY MORNING!

This is not to diminish the difficulties of growing older. We’ve all been there with the self-doubt and the harsh judgment of your peers and disapproval of your parents, but is it really neccessary to have some guy with kids of his own writing songs about how tough it is to be a kid?

By the way, if the guys from Serial Joe are reading this, don’t get any ideas. You guys still suck.

Also, pull up your fucking pants. You look stupid. And get a haircut. And a job.