My new reality show
Okay, since everyone and his semi-retarded 3-legged (and other hyphenated adjectives as well) dog has a reality show, I am throwing my hat into the ring.
Introducing…
The reality show where ‘reality’ is a generous euphemism! The scene opens on a group of 8 people, 4 STUNNING girls, 3 RIPPED guys, and one fat unemployed stamp-collector from Wobitaughie, Maine, standing on a beach on a gorgeous island in the south-Pacific. The host, a pretentious Frenchman with a bright orange suit, arrives from a helicopter carrying a treasure chest.
Host: Congratulations, out of 300 applicants, the 7 of you…
Fatty: Um, 8
Host: (Pulls out German Luger pistol from his belt and shoots fatty in the fat) The 7 of you have been chosen to compete for the contents of this chest. However, the contents will remain unknown to you until the winner has collected all the pieces of the map to find the location of the chest.
Muscle-bound-dude #1: Umm, it’s right behind you.
Host: (Cocks Luger) Anyone else feel like pointing out obvious plot holes? (All contestants shake heads) Good. Your first task will be to build a canoe out of birch bark, then paddle across the bay, where you will have to wrestle a live bear. Once defeated, the bear will indicate where the next challenge is, a 500-foot climb up a slippery rock wall to the top of “Contestant-killer Falls” where you will find another piece of the map.
Killer-body-girl#4: That doesn’t sound too hard.
Host: Aha! But there is a twist! All the birch trees on the island are home to KILLER BEES!
(Cutaway to Dude #2 on the ‘record your private thoughts’ camera)
Dude #2: When he mentioned the bees, I was a little freaked out. You see, when I was young, a family of bees killed my father and carried my mother off to work in a factory. Oh wait, those weren’t bees, they were Republicans.
(Back to host)
Host: Aha! There is another twist! The lake is filled with piranhas, and instead of water, it is 12.0 M Hydrochloric acid! And also, I will be shooting at you with a high-powered rifle as you cross.
Girl #1: Oh my god!
Host: Aha! And also the bear hasn’t eaten in 6 weeks and you will be tied up and smeared with rotten fish-guts and honey, and also the bear has a samurai sword.
Dude #3: Egadzooks!
Host: Aha! And also instead of water in the waterfall, bowling balls fall down!
Girl #2: Crikey!
Host: Aha! And also, instead of getting a piece of the map, you will be disemboweled and skinned and used to make a drum that will call cannibals to come and eat all the other contestants!
Dude #1: What the FUCK!?
Host: Aha! And also, I’m not REALLY a host, but an actor planted into the show by the directors to turn you against each other!
Dude #2: I’m ALSO a plant inserted by the directors, to bring the contestants closer to each other but turned against the host!
Girl #3: Okay, who ISN’T an actor planted by the directors? (Everyone looks around, but no hands go up)
Then the island eats them… Except fatty’s corpse. Because actually the island is a monster, planted by the directors to eat the cast and crew because it is a stupid show.
And inside the treasure chest was some lame prize, like a subscription to MAD magazine except they run nothing but Kaputnik jokes for the whole year.
Introducing…
The reality show where ‘reality’ is a generous euphemism! The scene opens on a group of 8 people, 4 STUNNING girls, 3 RIPPED guys, and one fat unemployed stamp-collector from Wobitaughie, Maine, standing on a beach on a gorgeous island in the south-Pacific. The host, a pretentious Frenchman with a bright orange suit, arrives from a helicopter carrying a treasure chest.
Host: Congratulations, out of 300 applicants, the 7 of you…
Fatty: Um, 8
Host: (Pulls out German Luger pistol from his belt and shoots fatty in the fat) The 7 of you have been chosen to compete for the contents of this chest. However, the contents will remain unknown to you until the winner has collected all the pieces of the map to find the location of the chest.
Muscle-bound-dude #1: Umm, it’s right behind you.
Host: (Cocks Luger) Anyone else feel like pointing out obvious plot holes? (All contestants shake heads) Good. Your first task will be to build a canoe out of birch bark, then paddle across the bay, where you will have to wrestle a live bear. Once defeated, the bear will indicate where the next challenge is, a 500-foot climb up a slippery rock wall to the top of “Contestant-killer Falls” where you will find another piece of the map.
Killer-body-girl#4: That doesn’t sound too hard.
Host: Aha! But there is a twist! All the birch trees on the island are home to KILLER BEES!
(Cutaway to Dude #2 on the ‘record your private thoughts’ camera)
Dude #2: When he mentioned the bees, I was a little freaked out. You see, when I was young, a family of bees killed my father and carried my mother off to work in a factory. Oh wait, those weren’t bees, they were Republicans.
(Back to host)
Host: Aha! There is another twist! The lake is filled with piranhas, and instead of water, it is 12.0 M Hydrochloric acid! And also, I will be shooting at you with a high-powered rifle as you cross.
Girl #1: Oh my god!
Host: Aha! And also the bear hasn’t eaten in 6 weeks and you will be tied up and smeared with rotten fish-guts and honey, and also the bear has a samurai sword.
Dude #3: Egadzooks!
Host: Aha! And also instead of water in the waterfall, bowling balls fall down!
Girl #2: Crikey!
Host: Aha! And also, instead of getting a piece of the map, you will be disemboweled and skinned and used to make a drum that will call cannibals to come and eat all the other contestants!
Dude #1: What the FUCK!?
Host: Aha! And also, I’m not REALLY a host, but an actor planted into the show by the directors to turn you against each other!
Dude #2: I’m ALSO a plant inserted by the directors, to bring the contestants closer to each other but turned against the host!
Girl #3: Okay, who ISN’T an actor planted by the directors? (Everyone looks around, but no hands go up)
Then the island eats them… Except fatty’s corpse. Because actually the island is a monster, planted by the directors to eat the cast and crew because it is a stupid show.
And inside the treasure chest was some lame prize, like a subscription to MAD magazine except they run nothing but Kaputnik jokes for the whole year.
Posted by Crommunist @ 7:42 pm |
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