A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender, “Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I’m a 6 foot 200 pound blonde with a black belt in Jeet Kun Do. What’s more, the bloke sitting next to me is blond and he’s a heavyweight boxer. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. D’ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Ah, nah… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”
All right. Enough of this. I am le tired of this “joke”.
For those of you who don’t know it, it involves Greeks, men, children and a crowbar and is to Greeks what “What is the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit? The bucket” is to black people. It is very insulting to Greeks, men, children and crowbars. If I ever hear anyone telling that joke I will consider it permission to making fun of his sad country or planet.
Seriously, I will not be held responsible for any country bashing you receive after telling racist jokes aimed at any minority, and I will make fun of you even if you are Canadian. And because every post has to have something funny in it and the only way you could have laughed with this post is if you are a racist pig, here it is:
A horse walks in a bar. The bartender looks at him and says “Why the long face?”
Ahahahahahaha. Hilarious. Now go do your homework.
Yesterday I went to a strip club to take care of some business (and no, I do NOT mean masturbating, you sorry individuals). While there, and after I have had my share of ogling the pretty ladies, I started to notice peoples’ reactions. Years and years (by which I mean about ten minutes) of research now allows me to post my results, deconstructing the psyche of the strip club goer. These are the categories of people you will find at a strip club:
The regulars
These people are mostly older men, single or with REALLY ugly wives, who do not have enough money to pay a hooker. They go there to get away from their wife (if available), and to store memories away for later use (read: masturbation). The more severe cases go there every night or so, and spend most of the money they make collecting soda cans on lap dances. My advice to you, if you belong in this category, is to get married (to an ugly woman, because let’s face it, you can’t do any better), or to get a mistress (which will be ugly, because let’s face it, you can’t do any better).
The newbies
People in this category are usually 18-25 and have never (or rarely) been to a strip club before. They are very easy to spot, because whenever the stripper stops in front of them they either avert their gaze or stare stupidly at her boobs (or pussy, whichever is lower). They may already have a girlfriend but are there either for memory storage or just tagged along when their single friends decided they wanted to go (make no mistake though, they wanted to go more than anyone else). My advice to these people is to not stare at strippers. They can tell.
The seasoned adventurers
This category consists of people who have been to strip clubs pretty frequently and they just have fun. They tend to be young, and they must not be confused with the regulars, since the regulars are WAY more pathetic. The seasoned adventurers may sometimes ignore the stripper if they are talking to their friends (not if the friend is a newbie though, it’s hard to talk to someone who has temporarily become a vegetable due to excess staring), or they can be seen enjoying themselves (NO, NOT MASTURBATING, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU) when the stripper is teasing them. The healthiest people of the lot, the adventurers should keep doing what they do.
The stallions
These people are the real stars of the strip club. All the strippers want to have sex with them, and the stallion will rarely turn down a polite request. These are the people every patron of the club envies, as they get to do much more than stare. They are a very rare breed, and the only person like that I have met is myself, and he is a great guy. Thanks.
The shy ones
For whatever reason (they are usually butt-ugly), the shy people cannot get laid, so they go to strip clubs, which are still better than nothing. These people often pretend they have entered the wrong club but pretend to stay because they pretend not to have anywhere else to go (no, scrap the last pretend, they DO have nowhere else to go), or they pretend to be surprised, as they were not aware of the fact that this was a strip club, honest! (Cough). My advice to you is, GET A LIFE.
The strippers
The integral cog of the strip club, these pretty ladies can call me at 555-1234 or email me at ilovestrippers@microsoft.com.
Everyone else
There is noone else. Everyone fits on one of the above categories. If you think I made a mistake and you know of another category, shut up. You’re wrong.
I hope I have helped you identify the people around you the next time you visit a strip club. If you are female, you do not go to strip clubs, so you have read this in vain. Bye now.
I am sure everyone has had a moment in our lives where we thought, “Damn! I really should have said that!”. Like when you realize that the cute woman sitting next to you in the bus was staring at you while you were getting off, you think “I really should have talked to her.” or when you watch your wife drive off the edge of a cliff you think “I really should have told her that I removed the brake fluid for repairs today”. It’s these small moments that you will end up regretting for a long time.
But, fear not. I am here to save the day. There are a few simple steps you can follow to cut down on the amount of regretting you do. First and foremost, of course, is to not do something you might regret. So, the next time you see a cute girl, talk to her. It is better to get shot down every time than to think that there was a one in a million chance that she might not have spit on you. Of course, we both know you are too chickenshit to talk to a woman, so here is the next piece of advice:
Try your best to recreate the circumstances which you regret. If you missed the woman on the bus, get on the bus again (don’t be afraid of looking stupid, you do anyway) and talk to her. If you killed your wife, serve your time, get married again, remove the brake fluid again and this time, tell her about it. This is a surefire way to relieve your conscience and help you sleep better at night.
I hope this short guide has helped you to improve your quality of life significantly. As always, cute women email me at idontgivemyemailtoanyone@domain.com.
