Porocrom’s Crappaper

I found out this morning that, despite my incredibly sophisticated mechanism for disguising names, “Bandy Roudreau” and “Teth” somehow figured out that the story was about them. “Teth” or, as she is more commonly known, Alicia Silverstone, seemed okay with it. However, I am a little worried about “Bandy Roudreau”, or Sylvester Stallone. I mean, have you SEEN Rocky? He could beat the shit out of me!

Anyways, if I sudenly go missing, please be advised that I was kidnapped, raped and otherwise manhandled by mister Stallone, and that an immediate freeze of his assets and search of his home should be undertaken. Furthermore, “Chris”, or his real name Galactus, Devourer of Worlds, should not be allowed to leave the country.

Thank you

Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies. Actually only ladies, gentlemen go away), I’m sorry, but I have just become unavailable. It’s not because I have found a new girlfriend (sadly), but because of my new infatuation. After Kate Beckinsale, Kathleen Robertson, Kathy Evison and Jennifer Love Hewitt, here comes Elisha Cuthbert (honorable mention to Elizabeth Berkley who never made it to the top) to steal my heart. Starring in movies such as 24 (which is essentially a 18-hour movie), Love Actually and The Girl Next Door (a movie I am going to watch as soon as I finish writing this piece of crap), she has won my heart with her acting, wit and the fact that she is FUCKING HOT!
As you may or may not know or may have known and have forgotten (I think this sentence covers all the possibilities), from time to time I am prone to becoming infatuated with various women. The symptomatology of this infatuation includes but is not limited to daydreaming, dizziness, butterflies in the tummy, inability to think coherently, drowsiness and, more rarely, schizophrenia. It usually lasts 2-7 days and the patient has a high probability of regression upon sight of the aetiology.
After describing the epidemiology and symptoms of the disease, I would like to move on to the actual subject. For those of you who don’t know Elisha, she is Jack’s daughter in 24, Carol-Anne in Love Actually and the girl next door in “The Girl Next Door”. She is blonde, has the cutest face I’ve ever seen, and her boobs are also great.
The only imperfection she has is that her facial features resemble those of my sister’s rather strikingly, which immediately removes almost all sexual desire. Below is a comparison of my sister and Elisha:

As you can see, the two are virtually identical. Luckily my sister is a brunette and Elisha is blonde (you cannot distinguish Elisha’s hair on the above image due to the monochromatism of the picture), so they don’t look too much alike. (NO, YOU CANNOT MEET MY SISTER YOU FILTHY LOSER.)
Having stated the above, I am now free to go watch the movie which I hear is R rated due to pornographic content (or pr0n to you losers) which I hope Elisha is a big part of (she is SOOOOOOOOO DREAMY! ^_). I will maybe let you know of my impressions later. If you are Elisha Cuthbert, email me at ILoveElisha@poromenos.org