Thanksgiving!!!
Well folks, Thanksgiving again.
‘Thanksgiving?’ say our non-Canadian readers. ‘You must be some kind of idiot, mister Crommunist. Thanksgiving is clearly in November.’ Well folks, I am not American. If I was, my posts would be about drinking too much beer and being generally over-opinionated about everything.
Hmm… my posts are about that anyway… maybe I would just have more grammatical errors.
Anyways, it is Canadian thanksgiving, so I thought I would share the other differences between the two holidays with you all.
American Thanksgiving is a commemoration of the pilgrims’ final ultimate victory over the savage Indians that ruled the peaceful land of America with an iron fist. The pilgrims had finally crushed the evil heathens by using the cunning tactic of raping their women, destroying their religion, and infecting them with European diseases. The remaining few Indians were forced to make their new pilgrim ‘liberators’ a sumptuous meal of all their finest dishes.
The ungrateful Indians served up a bird they called “thr’qui” or in their savage tongue ‘bird that eats its own shit and is about as smart as a warm breeze’. They stuffed it with their deadliest poisons. Of course, since they had been completely conquered, the only poisons they had at their disposal were pieces of stale bread and cut-up potatoes. They placed this dish, with gravy and cranberry sauce and biscuits and tiny onions, floating in a sea of cream sauce, before their new masters, in the hope that they would gorge themselves so heavily that they would die – or at least belch so much that they would look foolish.
Unfortunately for the heathens, the pilgrims did not die after eating this sumptuous meal. They merely fell into a deep sleep and did not wake up until some time in November. The day they awoke, they proclaimed it to be a day to give thanks and to invite your in-laws over even though you really dislike them.
CANADIAN thanksgiving, although it has the same name, is actually based in a very different story.
Back in the days before they invented vacations in Florida, Canadians spent their October days hunting for the Big Beaver. This beaver was the largest, hairiest and most sought-after creature in all the forest. Many brave hunters had tried to tame the Big Beaver, but they found that their spear-shafts were always too short, and they had to retreat in shame. One day, however, an intrepid young man devised a scheme to finally claim the beaver for his own. He drove a shiny new chariot down by the river (because as everyone knows, nothing attracts beaver like a shiny new vehicle). When the beaver came out of the woods to investigate, it fell into the river.
The hunters immediately caught the wet, dripping beaver and captured it. The entire village ate beaver that night, including some of the women-folk, which made the men very excited for some reason. Even though they got some fur stuck in their teeth, everyone agreed that eating beaver was the way to go. They declared that day to be a holiday forevermore. Since there was a sudden shortage of beaver, the intrepid Canadians borrowed the American custom of turkey (to the great amusement of the Indians in Canada).
I hope that has cleared up any misconceptions about the difference between Canada’s thanksgiving and America’s.
‘Thanksgiving?’ say our non-Canadian readers. ‘You must be some kind of idiot, mister Crommunist. Thanksgiving is clearly in November.’ Well folks, I am not American. If I was, my posts would be about drinking too much beer and being generally over-opinionated about everything.
Hmm… my posts are about that anyway… maybe I would just have more grammatical errors.
Anyways, it is Canadian thanksgiving, so I thought I would share the other differences between the two holidays with you all.
American Thanksgiving is a commemoration of the pilgrims’ final ultimate victory over the savage Indians that ruled the peaceful land of America with an iron fist. The pilgrims had finally crushed the evil heathens by using the cunning tactic of raping their women, destroying their religion, and infecting them with European diseases. The remaining few Indians were forced to make their new pilgrim ‘liberators’ a sumptuous meal of all their finest dishes.
The ungrateful Indians served up a bird they called “thr’qui” or in their savage tongue ‘bird that eats its own shit and is about as smart as a warm breeze’. They stuffed it with their deadliest poisons. Of course, since they had been completely conquered, the only poisons they had at their disposal were pieces of stale bread and cut-up potatoes. They placed this dish, with gravy and cranberry sauce and biscuits and tiny onions, floating in a sea of cream sauce, before their new masters, in the hope that they would gorge themselves so heavily that they would die – or at least belch so much that they would look foolish.
Unfortunately for the heathens, the pilgrims did not die after eating this sumptuous meal. They merely fell into a deep sleep and did not wake up until some time in November. The day they awoke, they proclaimed it to be a day to give thanks and to invite your in-laws over even though you really dislike them.
CANADIAN thanksgiving, although it has the same name, is actually based in a very different story.
Back in the days before they invented vacations in Florida, Canadians spent their October days hunting for the Big Beaver. This beaver was the largest, hairiest and most sought-after creature in all the forest. Many brave hunters had tried to tame the Big Beaver, but they found that their spear-shafts were always too short, and they had to retreat in shame. One day, however, an intrepid young man devised a scheme to finally claim the beaver for his own. He drove a shiny new chariot down by the river (because as everyone knows, nothing attracts beaver like a shiny new vehicle). When the beaver came out of the woods to investigate, it fell into the river.
The hunters immediately caught the wet, dripping beaver and captured it. The entire village ate beaver that night, including some of the women-folk, which made the men very excited for some reason. Even though they got some fur stuck in their teeth, everyone agreed that eating beaver was the way to go. They declared that day to be a holiday forevermore. Since there was a sudden shortage of beaver, the intrepid Canadians borrowed the American custom of turkey (to the great amusement of the Indians in Canada).
I hope that has cleared up any misconceptions about the difference between Canada’s thanksgiving and America’s.
Posted by Crommunist @ 3:02 am