I recently came upon an email entitled “the Being A Real Guy degree” or some crap like that. It was about an imaginary school where such classes as “Learn to work the toilet seat” and “Learn to share the remote” and shit like that existed. Sounds to me like “the Manwhore degree”, so I am hereupon starting to teach the Quit Being A Bitch degree. Don’t get me wrong, I love women as much as the next pervert (in fact my very mother is a woman herself), but fuck you, ladies. See where the female emancipation led us, now they have time to write crap like this between doing the dishes and the laundry.
I hate this unprovoked “Ooo, look at us, we are flowery-smelling goddesses of wisdom that have finally found their strength and we hate you, you belching, sports-watching, hairy unable-to-work-the-toilet-seat monsters. Vaginas rock”. I never said anything bad about women (not until now, anyway), and I always recognised that the sexes are different but equal (women, stop reading, men, this is just crap I tell women so they won’t hate me too much. HEY BITCH, WHY DID YOU READ THIS?).
While we’re on the subject, what is this crap about the toilet seat? Why should we put it up, do our thing and put it down again while you just sit your royal ass down and go at it? If I hear another woman telling me to put the toilet seat down after I’m finished, I’ll piss with it down and then put it up. Besides, I don’t have a problem with pissing with the seat down, you do.
While I’m typing, I might as well hit this too. I always hear women complaining how there aren’t any nice guys any more, yet they hook up with men that ignore them, abuse them, whatever. I believe, and that email only serves to reinforce that belief, that “nice guys” means “someone who has a lot of money and will do whatever I want”. Even if such men EXISTED, I doubt that you’d find them by hanging out in clubs (not to mention that you blow off almost every guy that hits on you there). That’s like me complaining about how hot models never come to my house to give me blowjobs.
The remote control. What the hell is with this shit? I never watch TV anyway, and I’d rather be dead than caught watching the crap you watch. I think you’re doing this just to bust our balls the ONE time we decide to watch something (not THE GAME, I fucking hate THE GAME, I never watch sports, unless we are EUROPEAN CHAMPIONS 2004! But I digress).
I also hate how you act like sex is a horrible chore we put you through. “Oh, not again, not sex!”. Why do you do this? Do you want people to see that you are an innocent little virgin dressed in white in a world where crazed sex-lusting beasts are out to devour you? Quit it, we know you want sex as much as we do, if not more. Why is it that it’s OK for a woman to not want to have sex, but for a man it’s “neglecting his duties”? Since when is it a duty, if women say they don’t even want it? And besides, on the “headache” issue, is it really THAT hard for you to lie there until we’re done?
Searching a bit, I have found the actual text of the email, so I am going to address a few issues. Bask in the wonderfulness that is it.
“MEN 103…PMS – Learn when to keep your mouth shut”
What the hell, sounds to me that this is advice for you. If you can’t help sounding like a cranky bitch, STOP TALKING. I don’t have to put up with you and nod patiently if you can’t control what you’re saying. I understand that it might feel bad (or maybe it’s just an excuse you make for being cranky all month long, since no man ever knows when women are PMSing), but if every word you say is the beginning of a fight, the sensible thing to do would be to not talk.
“MEN 104…We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas”
We do not want to give things that cost more than the deficit of a small country for Christmas. It was either this or a pair of slippers.
“MEN 120…How NOT to act like an asshole when you’re wrong”
I don’t know about other men, but I’m never wrong. Not applicable.
“MEN 213…Honest – You don’t look like Russel Wong”
Who the fuck is Russel Wong? He sounds Chinese, so yeah, I don’t look like him. I look Greek.
The downside of feminism is that women not only believe they’re equal, they believe they’re better. Cut that crap. You’re going to burn the dinner.