Porocrom’s Crappaper

They live. I’ve seen them. If you live in a touristy area, you might have seen them too. They’re tourists. You see them outside, pasty-white, with their sandals and shorts and backpacks, all raggedy-looking, as if they have come out of a cave after an eleven-month hibernation period to catch some sun before they crawl back under a rock to sleep for another eleven months.
I recently saw a (I think it was American) site describe them the exact same way, and I was shocked. I always thought they came from “abroad”, but now it seems that people “abroad” ask themselves the same question. Where do they come from? Could it be that they creep out of a hole every year, after living in the Earth’s core for a very long time? They never seem to speak a language anyone can speak, and I think that is camouflage. In Greece, they speak Norwegian. In Norway (who would go to Norway on vacation anyway, those guys are frozen all year) they speak Spanish. In Spain, they speak Vietnamese. Noone can talk to them, noone can tell where they are from or why they came where they are.
I don’t believe that anyone in their right mind would walk dressed like “they”, even if they were thousands of kilometers (approximately thousands of miles) away from home. One must be characterized with a distinct lack of sanity to wear sandals in public. And what is the matter with their colour? I’ve seen ALBINOS more black than that, for crying out loud. I don’t think humans are capable of having that lack of pigment in their skin (excluding Counterstrike players, but they’re not humans anyway. I can almost hear them cry out “DIE FAGET” to me).
The next time I see one of “them” (which will probably be next summer, which is, for those of you unfamiliar with Greece, in 4 months, because we have 8 months of summer here), I will be sure to confuse him by speaking Norwegian (I shall learn a phrase), so that he will be forced to speak English, and after he has fallen victim of my clever ruse, I will interview him for your viewing pleasure.
Back to watching Black Hawk Down (yeah, I STILL haven’t watched all of it, that movie lasts days, or so it seems). I am fairly confident that the Somalis will lose, because they didn’t pay a single shilling for the production of the movie.

So Poro sent me this link.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00061LC8W/qid=109805258 8/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5270041-6340636?v=glance&s=kitchen

The page advertises a hexagonal steel bird-cage. The ad screams FREE SHIPPING IN THE UNITED STATES! It also smugly boasts that the locks on the cage are unsolvable by even the wiliest of birds. This cage truly comes with all the bells and whistles (pun intended). And what’s more, this modern miracle of avian science is available for the low price of $3500!

This got me to thinking. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? You’ve obviously got your priorities a little mixed up if you’re seriously considering dropping 3.5 grand US (which is like a million bajillion Canadian dollars, or 16 euro) on a cage for a bird.

Well fear not, boys and girls. Uncle Crommie is here with…

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WITH $3500 INSTEAD OF BUYING A BIRD CAGE

Idea #1: Take a semester or two at a community college
Sure it isn’t glamorous, but you could learn the rudiments of something really cool, like small engine repair, arc welding, ballet, a foreign language, object-oriented computer programming, what-have-you. Upgrade your job, help out around the house, or maybe design the doomsday device you’ve always wanted and hold the world ransom for a tidy sum.

Idea #2: Buy a new wardrobe
Tired of all the cool kids at school making fun of you because you’re still sporting your once-fashionable “New Kids On The Block” t-shirt and matching biking shorts? Turn your life around by sporting some new, swanky togs from all the hippest boutiques (or blow your whole stack on a single mitten from Holt Renfrew).

Idea #3: Start an X-rated website
Make your money work for you. Buy a digital camera, a couple of adventurous prostitutes and a bottle of Old English and start your own business. Maybe that object-oriented programming will come in handy… or at least your newfound famliarity with foreign tongues.

Idea #4: Buy a sound system for your car
Become your own “Pimp Out My Ride” and sink that cash into a new set of speakers and a 6-CD changer for the trunk. Then you can cruise in your 1992 Mercury Topaz down by the home for blind nymphomaniacs and try to convince them that you’re pulling up in a brand new Mustang. And if their heightened sense of smell doesn’t tip them off that you’ve had those chicken bones under the back seat since the Macarena was at its height of popularity, at least they won’t be able to ID you to the cops.

Idea #5: Purchase a third-world country
Anyone who has ever played the Risk board-game knows how easy it is to become a military dictator. Get your whole underfed population to start building those cannons that are worth like 10 guys each. Once you have 7 or 8 cannons (this might take a few turns), you can start your manifest destiny of global conquest. Just hope that you are consistent with those dice-rolls.

Idea #6: Hire a hitman
Well, most hired killers worth their salt will turn up their noses at a measly $3500. Maybe you should just outfit your neighbourhood wino with a 40 and a hand-gun, then turn him loose at a preview screening of an Olsen Twins movie. Innocent bystanders? They should have known better than to be within 10 blocks of that vortex of acting talent.

Idea #7: Become addicted to a designer drug
I hear great things about Cocaine mixed with chilli pepper. They call it the Unlucky Housewife. Just one snort and your nose is bleeding worse than the foolish woman who married a guy named Jim-Bob then tried to wean him off football and pork rinds. Maybe she should have had dinner ready like he asked…

Idea #8: Rent a crappy apartment for a year
If your landlord isn’t wary about a tenant who pays in cash up front, you will be the proud owner of a scumhole shack. Start a grow operation, lure some children, start a mail-fraud scam. The world is your oyster now that you have a new mailing address and a clever alias (I recommend “Ares Stevenson” for the fellas and “Phyllis J. Armistice” for the ladies).

Idea #9: Invest in technology stocks
What? You were going to throw it away on a bird-cage anyway…

Idea #10: Empty out a fast-food restaurant
Go in to your neighbourhood Harvey’s and ask for 1500 value-burgers with extra pickles. If they are capable of making this order, then pay for the burgers, then go out on the street and throw them at oncoming traffic. Leave any unthrown ones to fester in a hidden place near the entrance to the store. The stench of rotting meat will serve as a constant reminder to the management of the error of contributing to the cult of excess.

Idea #11: Buy some Porocrom t-shirts
Or better yet, just give me the money and I will draw funny pictures and sayings on t-shirts you already own.


With these ideas firmly in hand, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble properly investing your money in a more lucrative endeavour than a cage for birds.

But some of you are probably wondering: “Skivven, if I blow my $3500 on these ideas, where will I keep my birds?”

For the last time: My name is not Skivven

But I will help you anyways. I have designed a cage with all the same features of the deluxe version, but at a fraction of the cost.




With its durable yet light space-age cardboard frame, this cage utilizes the same technology used by package-delivery companies worldwide!

Remember the story of the three little pigs? The smart one’s house used bricks, and now yours can too! This brick is guaranteed bird-proof. No matter HOW badly Polly wants to go gallavanting about town, she’ll be safe and secure in her cage.

These ergonomically-designed holes allow both air and light through simultaneously to maximize viewing efficiency. Certified 100% organic, low-carb and free of trans fats, these holes are also guaranteed fire-proof, rust-proof, and will not shrink in the wash (WOW!).

FREE SHIPPING IN THE USA, CANADA, OR PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE WHERE I CAN GET MY HANDS ON A BOX, A SHARP STICK AND A PIECE OF MASONRY.