Porocrom’s Crappaper

Stuck in a dead-end relationship? Does the voice of your significant other cut through your head like a hot knife through babies? Are you spending all your ‘intimate moments’ thinking about that chick at McDonalds with the tight pants? Are your fantasies about getting stuck in an elevator being replaced by sticking your girlfriend in the freezer? Now, you COULD just end it, but why not go out with some style? Here’s a list of ways you can end a relationship and go down in the Dumper Hall of Fame (the non-scatological one).


Number 10: One-way trip

Take her on a romantic trip to Eastern Europe. It is key that she has absolutely no input into the planning of the trip. Better still is to tell her you’re going to the Bahamas and then by the time the plane lands, it’s too late. Then, the first night in the hotel, grab all her personal belongings (including any means of her getting money) and high-tail it to the airport with your return ticket.

Cons: Expensive, unless you fly Air Babushka where you pay 2 chickens and a llama and you get to fly for free, and when I say fly I mean you are actually flying the plane. Also, there is the possibility that she can speak several European languages and has been keeping it secret.

Pros: Avoids the whole issue of accidentally running into her ever again. Also, you get to sell her stuff and play the ‘grieving widower’ when she doesn’t turn up ever again.


Number 9: The Psycho

This one is fairly self-explanatory. Act normal, but then at the slightest provocation (or preferable with no provocation at all) turn into a raging psycho. Bite trees, kick small dogs, accuse priests of philandering. Then go back to normal. If she is foolish enough to invite you to meet her mother, call her a ‘cunting whore’ (a la Brooke Dennings in The Exorcist). Nobody could handle this for more than a couple of weeks before dumping your ass.

Cons: Possibility of criminal charges. Also, none of her friends will ever date you.

Pros: You get to leave the relationship guilt-free because she has dumped you. Plus the added bonus of getting to act however you want.


Number 8: Freak in the Bedroom

Start requesting bizarre stuff instead of the usual efficient German love-making (eins, zwei, eins, zwei, orgasm NOW). It’s best if you ask for things that a) would make the Marquis de Sade question your sanity and/or b) are physically impossible for her to perform. Refuse to even talk to her unless she immediately complies. When she protests that she couldn’t possibly detach her limbs like that, dump her cold.

Cons: None… unless she’s into that crazy shit. Then you’re in a LOT of trouble.

Pros: The look on her face will be priceless.


Number 7: Hitting on her Best Friend

I know you do this anyway, but this time do it when she’s around. A good trick is to wait until she’s talking on the phone with her best, then pick up another phone in the house and say things like “I wish I could be with you instead of this bitch I’m dating. Wait baby, are you still on the line? Hang up for a second. So, what are you wearing?” Subtlety in this situation is not your friend. Be as blatant (and graphic) as possible. The dumping is imminent.

Cons: Your girlfriend may dump the friend instead of you. I’ve seen it happen, it isn’t pretty.

Pros: The advantage of being the ‘dumpee’. The possibility that the best friend might be into it. The possibility that they might both be into it. Hey, we can dream, right?


Number 6: Captain Nasty

Whip it out. Any time, any place. Chase her around the room with it and command her to “kiss the lizard”. Any public setting (especially work-related) is ideal, as she will have to try and explain your bizarre behaviour. This one can double up with Hitting on the Best Friend and The Psycho. If it worked in Seinfeld, it’s got to work in real life, right?

Cons: Criminal charges. The possibility that she might just cuff you one time in the junk and then it’s all over.

Pros: Give Mr. Happy some air.


Number 5: Headbutt in the Tit

While we don’t condone spousal abuse here at Porocrom, Maddox definitely had the right idea. It’s simple, requires no long conversations or pointless post-relationship friendships. A headbutt in the tit lets her know you mean business.

Cons: Hitting women isn’t cool, even if you really think she deserves it. Also, criminal charges (hmm, seems to be a recurring theme).

Pros: Pretty good story to tell when you’re with the guys and you’ve had a few.


Number 4: Sky-Writer

You know in those cheesy 50s sitcoms or whatever where the guy hires a sky-writer to spell out his love to some beehive-haircut bimbo? This is the evolution of that. Hire a sky-writer to spell out choice messages like “It’s over, bitch” and “I’m nailing your sister” where EVERYONE can see it. Also works for Superbowls.

Cons: Expensive

Pros: If you have a few buddies who are in similar predicaments, you can pool your money and share the message. Also, sky-writing is cool.


Number 3: Drafted

Tell her you are joining the army and that you’re shipping out the next day, and that you don’t want her to wait for you. Send a telegram 2 days later to her house telling her that you were killed in battle and that your last words were “Tell that bitch it’s over”. When she sees you again, say you have no idea who she is. REFUSE TO SHOW ID! This could blow the whole ruse. Make sure your friends/family are willing to corroborate your story if she doesn’t get the message right away.

Cons: Faking your own death has its drawbacks. Also, sending a telegram might be tricky. I have no idea how you would go about that…

Pros: Getting “I’m leaving for the army” sex. I hear it’s dynamite.


Number 2: Switcheroo

Those 6 magic words… no, not “I’m sleeping with your best friend”, we already covered that. No, the words are “You mean you’re not a man?” Claim that you though she was the most convincing drag queen ever. Tell her that while you find the thought of sex with a woman repulsive, the thought of sex with a man dressed like a woman is somehow appealing.

Cons: Explaining how you didn’t notice she had no penis. My advice: claim EXTREME short-sightedness. Also, rumours get spread that you are gay, which is never good. Unless you are gay, but then that raises the question of why you were dating a chick to begin with. Unless you are a lesbian, but then why would you think she was a guy? No no, this isn’t right at all!

Pros: Not only do you get out of a relationship, but you crush her self-esteem as well.


And the NUMBER 1 WAY to end a relationship

Alzheimer’s Steve

This one takes preparation and timing. You have to figure out a way to not talk to her at all for 2 weeks or more. You also need to train your friends and family to get them to learn their parts in this. Then, once the preparations have been made, arrange to ‘accidentally’ run into her somewhere. Here is the script.

Her: Hey! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long (goes to hug or kiss you or something)

You: (Pushing her away) Excuse me? I really don’t think that’s appropriate anymore.

Her: What do you mean?

You: Well you know… since we broke up.

Her: What? Broke up?

You: Oh… shit. I KNEW I forgot to do something. I’ve been walking around these past few weeks wondering what I was forgetting. Well Cindy, I broke up with you about two weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you.

Not only is your story air-tight, but it puts her at a complete disadvantage. She doesn’t know WHAT to say. Don’t give her the reason – instead say thing like “Well you of all people should know”. This also works if you say that she broke up with you, but she forgot. When she offers to take you back, tell her the reasons she gave you were too compelling, and besides you have already moved on. It’s best if you can use that two weeks or so to find another girlfriend to lend your story some more credibility.

Cons: None. This is fool-proof.

Pros: You go down in history as the greatest Relationship-ended and the ballsiest guy in history.


So now you have the tools to surgically remove the cancerous relationship from your life. When you’re finished with your former girlfriends, give me their numbers. I’m so lonely…

I was watching TV today and this commercial for pampers asswipe things for babies came on. It was the dumbest thing ever, there’s this baby that goes to the bathroom and looks at the toilet (which was like, twice its size), and he obviously wants to pee, so he has to climb on it because he is of course too old to be wearing diapers (said baby sneers).
He removes his pants (CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IN COMMERCIALS? SHAME ON YOU, PAMPERS) and mounts the bowl reluctantly, at which point a voice can be heard booming in the background: “YOU ARE THE LORD OF THE TOILET, THE KING OF THE CRAPPER. YOU WILL DEFEAT THE EVIL DEMON TURDERON AND RECLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL POSITION UPON THE TOILET BOWL!”. The kid hears the voice spur him on, and, taking courage, he attacks the crapper with force with a mighty turd, of which he is infinitely proud.
Alas, his victory is short-lived as fate strikes him another terrible blow. He discovers to his great dismay that he is unable to wipe his tender royal bottom alone, without the help of a GROWNUP, and he hears his mother call to him, “Do you need some help?”. Devastated, our small hero sits atop the smouldering remains of Turderon, pondering how best to deal with the horrendous situation that has befallen him, when suddenly, like a deus ex machina, PAMPERS EZ-WIPES (or some shit like that) appear! The voice once again bellows “Now you can wipe your own ass, young prince!”, and our hero is overjoyed as he can remove his own shit from now on.
I am unable to comprehend what kind of marketing strategy would lead to an idea of this magnitude of ingenuity and genius. A kid tries to crap and can’t wipe his ass, but now with the special magical electronic Pampers tissues, he can. “You are the lord of the toilet”? Give me a break, that’s what gets kids all pumped up and next thing you know, they think they’re Superman and they jump off buildings or write websites like realultimatepower.net.
Some people might actually think it’s cute, but let me tell you, there’s NOTHING cute about babies taking dumps. If you had to change a diaper, you already know that. I hate it how you take their diaper full of shit and the little bastards sit there with their foot in their mouth looking at you with contempt. I’m sure they’re thinking “haha, look, I can make you take my shit and carry it around while I enjoy sucking on my toe, and all I had to do is cry a bit, which is what I do anyway!”. I honestly believe that babies are able to shit in the toilet, change their own diapers, cook their food and work for a living, but they are conspiring against us because they enjoy all the attention and grooming.
Pampers is to blame for all that. Damn you, Pampers!
(Pampers is a registered trademark of Pampers, Inc or something)

Sinners, repent! Judgment will come swift and furious for those who refuse to be narrow-minded and pushy! At least, that seems to be the message coming from Jack Chick, publisher of some of the highest-quality religious tracts I have ever seen. Mr. Chick has done some SERIOUS homework on the topic of any kind of religious unorthodoxy (including being gay, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, intelligent, etc.) and has concluded that ALL of life’s problems can be solved INSTANTLY by accepting a fundamentalist Protestant Jesus into your life.

Mr. Chick’s hard-hitting, contemporarily relevant, plausible tracts are life-savers that no God-fearing person should ever be without. Let’s take a look at some of the cream of the crop.

Getting Conned

The moral: Conversion to Christianity will get your lost cash back. Also, believing in God will enable you to defeat an entire city with a handful of starving nomads. Intelligence and cunning are tools of the devil.

Being Gay

The moral: Every gay man is followed around by an invisible devil who tries to convert children to becoming gay, despite piles of evidence against homosexuality as a choice. Apparently it is invisible devils, not science. WHO KNEW?

Islam

The moral: Well, I’ve got just about nothing to say, because this actually does happen. The blowing up the kids part, not the part about a faceless radioactive Jesus who preaches forgiveness and then condemns children to hell.

Justice

The moral: Entering a church instantaneously transforms you into a God-fearing Christian. Also, Jawas in black robes patrol the deserts of the Old West and feed on the bodies of snake-bite victims.

Evolution

The moral: Despite buckets full of scientific evidence, the world was created 6000 years ago. Evil people are inherently ugly. Christian kids are super-intelligent, while non-Christian kids are apparently gullible and semi-retarded. And just so it’s clear “If YOU believe in Evolution instead of Jesus, you’ll end up in hell.”

Rock Music

The moral: Rock music is an insidious plot started in the 1960’s by musical agent Lew Siffer to corrupt the youth of the world. Rock inevitably leads to drugs, homosexuality, apparently vampirism… This one is a must-read for anyone who has listened to any music written after the late 19th century.

Sex

The moral: Okay first off, that guy in the first panel is definitely gay. Also, Ms. Damien is a MILF (but she’s got to be evil, she’s NOT MARRIED!). Okay, morals. HIV is diagnosable 2 weeks after transmission. A meeting of 800 “sexologists” is a definitive source for accurate information.

And my personal favourite

Dungeons and Dragons

The moral: Damned if I know… apparently role-playing games lead to either witchcraft or suicide. Note: when someone kills themselves over a game, that’s not suicide, it’s natural selection, which by the way is also evil.


Anyways, there are lots more. Remember children, Jesus loves you, unless you are tolerant of others like He was. In that case, you’ll burn in hell. Also, Jesus is the strongest force in the universe, so He must know Kung-Fu.

Last Saturday I was sitting at my computer, doing some work, talking to some people, nothing that you could call strenuous, when suddenly my computer turned off. Puzzled by this sudden development, I attempted valiantly to turn my computer back on, but to no avail. Despite all kinds of tests and attempts to reboot, reformat, reinstall, my computer had gone from elite, sleek computating machine to expensive paperweight. I called home and asked my dad if there was anything to be done. He told me that he would come get my computer and return it to the shop from whence it came. Forthwith, he told me that the man at the shop had confirmed that it was a problem with the memory. Apparently it wasn’t compatible with my motherboard, or somesuch.

Here is the question: if these guys BUILT my computer, how could my memory be incompatible? No no no, this my friends does not (with apologies for the pun) COMPUTE. I had a week to think it over, and I think I know what really happened to my computer.

Memory, I have been told, comes in sticks, much like those you would find on a tree. These sticks are also like chips, however. Some memory is Barbecue (SD RAM) while others are Salt & Vinegar (DDR – or Dance, Dance, Revolution). These chips are fed to your computer, and they remember things for you, like where you put that file, and when your taxes are due, and the name of that girl you met at the bar (was it Leonor?).

However, instead of sticks or chips, the good people at the store (I won’t mention the name, because it would highlight their incompetence – let’s just say it rhymes with “Brampton Computes”) put in a cheese sandwich. And instead of a power supply, they put in a hamster on a wheel. When I press the power button, it opens a little slot so that the hamster tries to run towards the cheese sandwich, but ends up powering the computer instead. However, when I turned off my computer one night, apparently the hamster said “Fuck this shit”, jumped the wall and ate the cheese sandwich. It then died from eating 3 month-old, unrefrigerated cheese. The result: paperweight.

And so, dear readers, fear not. I am back and will be posting regularly.

Dearly beloved, I bear sad news, regretfully. Our very own Crommunist (I suspect that that is not his real name) has gone MISSING! Yes, you read me correctly, MISSING! He was last seen blogging about a week ago, and was never heard of ever since. He is tall, handsome, with blue eyes and blond hair. Of course, I have never seen him, so this description may be a bit off.
I have sketched the following picture to help the proper authorities locate him. Remember that this image is a rough sketch, and thus may not enable us to track down and capture the correct person. If you look like the guy in the picture, you better run and hide (unless you are Crommunist, in which case you should email me at IAmCrommunist@poromenos.org). The picture is this:

If you have seen this person please contact me at my email address or send money and/or hot chicks to me. There is a $1200 Martian dollars reward for anyone who can lead us to the capture of this beloved friend. He might not be very useful, but we have gotten used to him.
If any of his friends read this, please tell him to log on to MSN asap, wtf omfg. He has never gone missing for more than an hour before, so we are afraid of the worst (which is, to say, that he got a new girlfriend. Worst for the girl, of course). If this method turns up nothing, which I highly doubt, given that almost 99% of the earth’s population reads this, the next step will be the Jerry Springer show, and yes, that IS a threat. So hurry up and find him.