Dear Hollywood,

I have recently filled my spare time by watching some of your movies. The quality if your product is unsurpassable, and I applaud you for that. However, I would like to raise a few concerns I had with the veracity of many of your films.

Issue #1: Girls at university

I was led to believe by many of your movies that the moment that a woman of the female gender stepped onto a college campus she was overcome with sexual desire and would have intercourse with anything moving. However, I was quite shocked to find that many women at my university do not want to have sex with me. Here is a sample conversation to illustrate my point:

Me: Hello
Girl: Hi
Me: Would you like to have some sex?
Girl: No thank you

As you can see, this exchange went contrary to your frequent portrayal of college girls in movies. I would ask that you either a) write a strongly-worded letter to women everywhere requesting that they fall in line or b) pay for my tuition and board at the University of Western Ontario so that I may meet some college girls who know how to behave.

Issue #2: Exams

Operating under the impression given to me in several films, I refused to study for any of my exams until the very last minute. I had been assured by many films (such as religious film Van Wilder) that, provided I had the requisite amount of pluckiness, I would succeed on all of my finals with flying colours. I had my blood tested and concluded that my pluck level was 30 mg/L, more than 3 times the national average. I also found out I was a pregnant 90 year-old zebra, but this is beside the point.

Much was my surprise when I got my exam results and I had failed nearly every single course. I felt that I had taken the necessary precautions (playing appropriately themed music, flashing back to humorous anecdotes, providing a montage of time passing) to ensure my success, but I did not achieve it, much to my shock and dismay.

Issue #3: The line between ‘cute’ and ‘scary’

I had a romantic interest in a certain female of the opposite sex and, since I had already learned that requesting sex invariably meets with mixed results (e.g. pepper spray), I proceeded to write volumes of gushy poetry about her. ‘Surely’ thought I ‘not ALL things in Hollywood movies are false’. Alas, it was not as I imagined. Upon presenting my book of poetry, penned in blood and other bodily fluids, she did not immediately melt into my arms. Undaunted, I recited a speech containing such gems as “I can’t live without you” “You are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I climax” and the ever popular “I want to be on you”. She responded NOT with “Take me now, you sensitive yet masculine specimen” but words I did not quite understand, like “I don’t even know who you are” and “my dad is a lawyer” and “How did you get into my bedroom?” I need not tell you, I was once again most confused. The police were unsympathetic.


And so I conclude this letter with a simple request. Please make your movies more like life really is, or change life to fit your movies. Also, please make a sequel to the Super Mario Brothers movie, as I felt that it was a genre that deserved much more exploration. Thank you.