I HAVE BEEN SAVED!
Sinners, repent! Judgment will come swift and furious for those who refuse to be narrow-minded and pushy! At least, that seems to be the message coming from Jack Chick, publisher of some of the highest-quality religious tracts I have ever seen. Mr. Chick has done some SERIOUS homework on the topic of any kind of religious unorthodoxy (including being gay, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, intelligent, etc.) and has concluded that ALL of life’s problems can be solved INSTANTLY by accepting a fundamentalist Protestant Jesus into your life.
Mr. Chick’s hard-hitting, contemporarily relevant, plausible tracts are life-savers that no God-fearing person should ever be without. Let’s take a look at some of the cream of the crop.
Getting Conned
The moral: Conversion to Christianity will get your lost cash back. Also, believing in God will enable you to defeat an entire city with a handful of starving nomads. Intelligence and cunning are tools of the devil.
Being Gay
The moral: Every gay man is followed around by an invisible devil who tries to convert children to becoming gay, despite piles of evidence against homosexuality as a choice. Apparently it is invisible devils, not science. WHO KNEW?
Islam
The moral: Well, I’ve got just about nothing to say, because this actually does happen. The blowing up the kids part, not the part about a faceless radioactive Jesus who preaches forgiveness and then condemns children to hell.
Justice
The moral: Entering a church instantaneously transforms you into a God-fearing Christian. Also, Jawas in black robes patrol the deserts of the Old West and feed on the bodies of snake-bite victims.
Evolution
The moral: Despite buckets full of scientific evidence, the world was created 6000 years ago. Evil people are inherently ugly. Christian kids are super-intelligent, while non-Christian kids are apparently gullible and semi-retarded. And just so it’s clear “If YOU believe in Evolution instead of Jesus, you’ll end up in hell.”
Rock Music
The moral: Rock music is an insidious plot started in the 1960’s by musical agent Lew Siffer to corrupt the youth of the world. Rock inevitably leads to drugs, homosexuality, apparently vampirism… This one is a must-read for anyone who has listened to any music written after the late 19th century.
Sex
The moral: Okay first off, that guy in the first panel is definitely gay. Also, Ms. Damien is a MILF (but she’s got to be evil, she’s NOT MARRIED!). Okay, morals. HIV is diagnosable 2 weeks after transmission. A meeting of 800 “sexologists” is a definitive source for accurate information.
And my personal favourite
Dungeons and Dragons
The moral: Damned if I know… apparently role-playing games lead to either witchcraft or suicide. Note: when someone kills themselves over a game, that’s not suicide, it’s natural selection, which by the way is also evil.
Anyways, there are lots more. Remember children, Jesus loves you, unless you are tolerant of others like He was. In that case, you’ll burn in hell. Also, Jesus is the strongest force in the universe, so He must know Kung-Fu.
Mr. Chick’s hard-hitting, contemporarily relevant, plausible tracts are life-savers that no God-fearing person should ever be without. Let’s take a look at some of the cream of the crop.
Getting Conned
The moral: Conversion to Christianity will get your lost cash back. Also, believing in God will enable you to defeat an entire city with a handful of starving nomads. Intelligence and cunning are tools of the devil.
Being Gay
The moral: Every gay man is followed around by an invisible devil who tries to convert children to becoming gay, despite piles of evidence against homosexuality as a choice. Apparently it is invisible devils, not science. WHO KNEW?
Islam
The moral: Well, I’ve got just about nothing to say, because this actually does happen. The blowing up the kids part, not the part about a faceless radioactive Jesus who preaches forgiveness and then condemns children to hell.
Justice
The moral: Entering a church instantaneously transforms you into a God-fearing Christian. Also, Jawas in black robes patrol the deserts of the Old West and feed on the bodies of snake-bite victims.
Evolution
The moral: Despite buckets full of scientific evidence, the world was created 6000 years ago. Evil people are inherently ugly. Christian kids are super-intelligent, while non-Christian kids are apparently gullible and semi-retarded. And just so it’s clear “If YOU believe in Evolution instead of Jesus, you’ll end up in hell.”
Rock Music
The moral: Rock music is an insidious plot started in the 1960’s by musical agent Lew Siffer to corrupt the youth of the world. Rock inevitably leads to drugs, homosexuality, apparently vampirism… This one is a must-read for anyone who has listened to any music written after the late 19th century.
Sex
The moral: Okay first off, that guy in the first panel is definitely gay. Also, Ms. Damien is a MILF (but she’s got to be evil, she’s NOT MARRIED!). Okay, morals. HIV is diagnosable 2 weeks after transmission. A meeting of 800 “sexologists” is a definitive source for accurate information.
And my personal favourite
Dungeons and Dragons
The moral: Damned if I know… apparently role-playing games lead to either witchcraft or suicide. Note: when someone kills themselves over a game, that’s not suicide, it’s natural selection, which by the way is also evil.
Anyways, there are lots more. Remember children, Jesus loves you, unless you are tolerant of others like He was. In that case, you’ll burn in hell. Also, Jesus is the strongest force in the universe, so He must know Kung-Fu.
Posted by Crommunist @ 3:44 am |
Comments (0)
