Top Ten: Ways to end a relationship
Stuck in a dead-end relationship? Does the voice of your significant other cut through your head like a hot knife through babies? Are you spending all your ‘intimate moments’ thinking about that chick at McDonalds with the tight pants? Are your fantasies about getting stuck in an elevator being replaced by sticking your girlfriend in the freezer? Now, you COULD just end it, but why not go out with some style? Here’s a list of ways you can end a relationship and go down in the Dumper Hall of Fame (the non-scatological one).
Number 10: One-way trip
Take her on a romantic trip to Eastern Europe. It is key that she has absolutely no input into the planning of the trip. Better still is to tell her you’re going to the Bahamas and then by the time the plane lands, it’s too late. Then, the first night in the hotel, grab all her personal belongings (including any means of her getting money) and high-tail it to the airport with your return ticket.
Cons: Expensive, unless you fly Air Babushka where you pay 2 chickens and a llama and you get to fly for free, and when I say fly I mean you are actually flying the plane. Also, there is the possibility that she can speak several European languages and has been keeping it secret.
Pros: Avoids the whole issue of accidentally running into her ever again. Also, you get to sell her stuff and play the ‘grieving widower’ when she doesn’t turn up ever again.
Number 9: The Psycho
This one is fairly self-explanatory. Act normal, but then at the slightest provocation (or preferable with no provocation at all) turn into a raging psycho. Bite trees, kick small dogs, accuse priests of philandering. Then go back to normal. If she is foolish enough to invite you to meet her mother, call her a ‘cunting whore’ (a la Brooke Dennings in The Exorcist). Nobody could handle this for more than a couple of weeks before dumping your ass.
Cons: Possibility of criminal charges. Also, none of her friends will ever date you.
Pros: You get to leave the relationship guilt-free because she has dumped you. Plus the added bonus of getting to act however you want.
Number 8: Freak in the Bedroom
Start requesting bizarre stuff instead of the usual efficient German love-making (eins, zwei, eins, zwei, orgasm NOW). It’s best if you ask for things that a) would make the Marquis de Sade question your sanity and/or b) are physically impossible for her to perform. Refuse to even talk to her unless she immediately complies. When she protests that she couldn’t possibly detach her limbs like that, dump her cold.
Cons: None… unless she’s into that crazy shit. Then you’re in a LOT of trouble.
Pros: The look on her face will be priceless.
Number 7: Hitting on her Best Friend
I know you do this anyway, but this time do it when she’s around. A good trick is to wait until she’s talking on the phone with her best, then pick up another phone in the house and say things like “I wish I could be with you instead of this bitch I’m dating. Wait baby, are you still on the line? Hang up for a second. So, what are you wearing?” Subtlety in this situation is not your friend. Be as blatant (and graphic) as possible. The dumping is imminent.
Cons: Your girlfriend may dump the friend instead of you. I’ve seen it happen, it isn’t pretty.
Pros: The advantage of being the ‘dumpee’. The possibility that the best friend might be into it. The possibility that they might both be into it. Hey, we can dream, right?
Number 6: Captain Nasty
Whip it out. Any time, any place. Chase her around the room with it and command her to “kiss the lizard”. Any public setting (especially work-related) is ideal, as she will have to try and explain your bizarre behaviour. This one can double up with Hitting on the Best Friend and The Psycho. If it worked in Seinfeld, it’s got to work in real life, right?
Cons: Criminal charges. The possibility that she might just cuff you one time in the junk and then it’s all over.
Pros: Give Mr. Happy some air.
Number 5: Headbutt in the Tit
While we don’t condone spousal abuse here at Porocrom, Maddox definitely had the right idea. It’s simple, requires no long conversations or pointless post-relationship friendships. A headbutt in the tit lets her know you mean business.
Cons: Hitting women isn’t cool, even if you really think she deserves it. Also, criminal charges (hmm, seems to be a recurring theme).
Pros: Pretty good story to tell when you’re with the guys and you’ve had a few.
Number 4: Sky-Writer
You know in those cheesy 50s sitcoms or whatever where the guy hires a sky-writer to spell out his love to some beehive-haircut bimbo? This is the evolution of that. Hire a sky-writer to spell out choice messages like “It’s over, bitch” and “I’m nailing your sister” where EVERYONE can see it. Also works for Superbowls.
Cons: Expensive
Pros: If you have a few buddies who are in similar predicaments, you can pool your money and share the message. Also, sky-writing is cool.
Number 3: Drafted
Tell her you are joining the army and that you’re shipping out the next day, and that you don’t want her to wait for you. Send a telegram 2 days later to her house telling her that you were killed in battle and that your last words were “Tell that bitch it’s over”. When she sees you again, say you have no idea who she is. REFUSE TO SHOW ID! This could blow the whole ruse. Make sure your friends/family are willing to corroborate your story if she doesn’t get the message right away.
Cons: Faking your own death has its drawbacks. Also, sending a telegram might be tricky. I have no idea how you would go about that…
Pros: Getting “I’m leaving for the army” sex. I hear it’s dynamite.
Number 2: Switcheroo
Those 6 magic words… no, not “I’m sleeping with your best friend”, we already covered that. No, the words are “You mean you’re not a man?” Claim that you though she was the most convincing drag queen ever. Tell her that while you find the thought of sex with a woman repulsive, the thought of sex with a man dressed like a woman is somehow appealing.
Cons: Explaining how you didn’t notice she had no penis. My advice: claim EXTREME short-sightedness. Also, rumours get spread that you are gay, which is never good. Unless you are gay, but then that raises the question of why you were dating a chick to begin with. Unless you are a lesbian, but then why would you think she was a guy? No no, this isn’t right at all!
Pros: Not only do you get out of a relationship, but you crush her self-esteem as well.
And the NUMBER 1 WAY to end a relationship
Alzheimer’s Steve
This one takes preparation and timing. You have to figure out a way to not talk to her at all for 2 weeks or more. You also need to train your friends and family to get them to learn their parts in this. Then, once the preparations have been made, arrange to ‘accidentally’ run into her somewhere. Here is the script.
Her: Hey! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long (goes to hug or kiss you or something)
You: (Pushing her away) Excuse me? I really don’t think that’s appropriate anymore.
Her: What do you mean?
You: Well you know… since we broke up.
Her: What? Broke up?
You: Oh… shit. I KNEW I forgot to do something. I’ve been walking around these past few weeks wondering what I was forgetting. Well Cindy, I broke up with you about two weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you.
Not only is your story air-tight, but it puts her at a complete disadvantage. She doesn’t know WHAT to say. Don’t give her the reason – instead say thing like “Well you of all people should know”. This also works if you say that she broke up with you, but she forgot. When she offers to take you back, tell her the reasons she gave you were too compelling, and besides you have already moved on. It’s best if you can use that two weeks or so to find another girlfriend to lend your story some more credibility.
Cons: None. This is fool-proof.
Pros: You go down in history as the greatest Relationship-ended and the ballsiest guy in history.
So now you have the tools to surgically remove the cancerous relationship from your life. When you’re finished with your former girlfriends, give me their numbers. I’m so lonely…
Number 10: One-way trip
Take her on a romantic trip to Eastern Europe. It is key that she has absolutely no input into the planning of the trip. Better still is to tell her you’re going to the Bahamas and then by the time the plane lands, it’s too late. Then, the first night in the hotel, grab all her personal belongings (including any means of her getting money) and high-tail it to the airport with your return ticket.
Cons: Expensive, unless you fly Air Babushka where you pay 2 chickens and a llama and you get to fly for free, and when I say fly I mean you are actually flying the plane. Also, there is the possibility that she can speak several European languages and has been keeping it secret.
Pros: Avoids the whole issue of accidentally running into her ever again. Also, you get to sell her stuff and play the ‘grieving widower’ when she doesn’t turn up ever again.
Number 9: The Psycho
This one is fairly self-explanatory. Act normal, but then at the slightest provocation (or preferable with no provocation at all) turn into a raging psycho. Bite trees, kick small dogs, accuse priests of philandering. Then go back to normal. If she is foolish enough to invite you to meet her mother, call her a ‘cunting whore’ (a la Brooke Dennings in The Exorcist). Nobody could handle this for more than a couple of weeks before dumping your ass.
Cons: Possibility of criminal charges. Also, none of her friends will ever date you.
Pros: You get to leave the relationship guilt-free because she has dumped you. Plus the added bonus of getting to act however you want.
Number 8: Freak in the Bedroom
Start requesting bizarre stuff instead of the usual efficient German love-making (eins, zwei, eins, zwei, orgasm NOW). It’s best if you ask for things that a) would make the Marquis de Sade question your sanity and/or b) are physically impossible for her to perform. Refuse to even talk to her unless she immediately complies. When she protests that she couldn’t possibly detach her limbs like that, dump her cold.
Cons: None… unless she’s into that crazy shit. Then you’re in a LOT of trouble.
Pros: The look on her face will be priceless.
Number 7: Hitting on her Best Friend
I know you do this anyway, but this time do it when she’s around. A good trick is to wait until she’s talking on the phone with her best, then pick up another phone in the house and say things like “I wish I could be with you instead of this bitch I’m dating. Wait baby, are you still on the line? Hang up for a second. So, what are you wearing?” Subtlety in this situation is not your friend. Be as blatant (and graphic) as possible. The dumping is imminent.
Cons: Your girlfriend may dump the friend instead of you. I’ve seen it happen, it isn’t pretty.
Pros: The advantage of being the ‘dumpee’. The possibility that the best friend might be into it. The possibility that they might both be into it. Hey, we can dream, right?
Number 6: Captain Nasty
Whip it out. Any time, any place. Chase her around the room with it and command her to “kiss the lizard”. Any public setting (especially work-related) is ideal, as she will have to try and explain your bizarre behaviour. This one can double up with Hitting on the Best Friend and The Psycho. If it worked in Seinfeld, it’s got to work in real life, right?
Cons: Criminal charges. The possibility that she might just cuff you one time in the junk and then it’s all over.
Pros: Give Mr. Happy some air.
Number 5: Headbutt in the Tit
While we don’t condone spousal abuse here at Porocrom, Maddox definitely had the right idea. It’s simple, requires no long conversations or pointless post-relationship friendships. A headbutt in the tit lets her know you mean business.
Cons: Hitting women isn’t cool, even if you really think she deserves it. Also, criminal charges (hmm, seems to be a recurring theme).
Pros: Pretty good story to tell when you’re with the guys and you’ve had a few.
Number 4: Sky-Writer
You know in those cheesy 50s sitcoms or whatever where the guy hires a sky-writer to spell out his love to some beehive-haircut bimbo? This is the evolution of that. Hire a sky-writer to spell out choice messages like “It’s over, bitch” and “I’m nailing your sister” where EVERYONE can see it. Also works for Superbowls.
Cons: Expensive
Pros: If you have a few buddies who are in similar predicaments, you can pool your money and share the message. Also, sky-writing is cool.
Number 3: Drafted
Tell her you are joining the army and that you’re shipping out the next day, and that you don’t want her to wait for you. Send a telegram 2 days later to her house telling her that you were killed in battle and that your last words were “Tell that bitch it’s over”. When she sees you again, say you have no idea who she is. REFUSE TO SHOW ID! This could blow the whole ruse. Make sure your friends/family are willing to corroborate your story if she doesn’t get the message right away.
Cons: Faking your own death has its drawbacks. Also, sending a telegram might be tricky. I have no idea how you would go about that…
Pros: Getting “I’m leaving for the army” sex. I hear it’s dynamite.
Number 2: Switcheroo
Those 6 magic words… no, not “I’m sleeping with your best friend”, we already covered that. No, the words are “You mean you’re not a man?” Claim that you though she was the most convincing drag queen ever. Tell her that while you find the thought of sex with a woman repulsive, the thought of sex with a man dressed like a woman is somehow appealing.
Cons: Explaining how you didn’t notice she had no penis. My advice: claim EXTREME short-sightedness. Also, rumours get spread that you are gay, which is never good. Unless you are gay, but then that raises the question of why you were dating a chick to begin with. Unless you are a lesbian, but then why would you think she was a guy? No no, this isn’t right at all!
Pros: Not only do you get out of a relationship, but you crush her self-esteem as well.
And the NUMBER 1 WAY to end a relationship
Alzheimer’s Steve
This one takes preparation and timing. You have to figure out a way to not talk to her at all for 2 weeks or more. You also need to train your friends and family to get them to learn their parts in this. Then, once the preparations have been made, arrange to ‘accidentally’ run into her somewhere. Here is the script.
Her: Hey! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long (goes to hug or kiss you or something)
You: (Pushing her away) Excuse me? I really don’t think that’s appropriate anymore.
Her: What do you mean?
You: Well you know… since we broke up.
Her: What? Broke up?
You: Oh… shit. I KNEW I forgot to do something. I’ve been walking around these past few weeks wondering what I was forgetting. Well Cindy, I broke up with you about two weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you.
Not only is your story air-tight, but it puts her at a complete disadvantage. She doesn’t know WHAT to say. Don’t give her the reason – instead say thing like “Well you of all people should know”. This also works if you say that she broke up with you, but she forgot. When she offers to take you back, tell her the reasons she gave you were too compelling, and besides you have already moved on. It’s best if you can use that two weeks or so to find another girlfriend to lend your story some more credibility.
Cons: None. This is fool-proof.
Pros: You go down in history as the greatest Relationship-ended and the ballsiest guy in history.
So now you have the tools to surgically remove the cancerous relationship from your life. When you’re finished with your former girlfriends, give me their numbers. I’m so lonely…
Posted by Crommunist @ 6:14 am |
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