Don’t forget that some of our older posts are in the archives. If you’ve read everything on this page and you’re getting bored with it, why not check out some of our older stuff?
I want to relate a story that happened to a friend of mine (let’s call him Eduardo Sanchez). Eduardo was at the bar with a group of his friends. Some of his friends had brought other friends, things were going great and everyone was having a really good time. That’s when Eduardo noticed that one of his friend’s friends (to avoid confusion, we’ll call her Consuela del Caliente) was lookin’ pretty good. So he suavely began to make his move on the young Consuela when out of nowhere, adversity reared its horrendous visage in the form of the mythical beast known only by the name “The Ugly Friend”
Now before we are inundated by hate mail from women (who are undoubtedly the ugly friend themselves) let’s define this term. It gets bandied about and the real meaning has been lost. The so-called “Ugly Friend” is descriptive term only. It is not an evaluation of the person as a whole, nor is it merely a comment on the person’s physical appearance. The phrase ‘Ugly Friend’ described a person who is willing to initiate a heinous cock-block for petty reasons. So that we are clear, I have known many a decent-looking girl who has been the ugly friend. Let’s take a closer look…
Scenario 1: Sitting at the bar, two ladies are approached by a decent-enough looking chap.
Chap: Well hello ladies, how are you doing this fine evening?
Lady #1: We’re fine, thanks. What’s your name?
Chap: Chappy Chapperson. Can I interest you in a dance?
Lady #1: Um, sure.
Lady #2: I’m gonna sit here for a bit. I’ll be out there in a second.
Lady #1: Are you sure?
Lady #2: Yeah, I just want to finish my drink first.
Now that is a GOOD friend. She is allowing her friend to have fun, but she is still there if needed.
Scenario 2: 2 ladies at the bar, approached by skeeze.
Skeeze: Hi! Let’s take a look at what’s in your underwear!
Lady #1: Whaaaaa?
Lady #2: Come on Lady #1, I need to go to the bathroom.
Lady #1: Sorry Mr. Skeeze, but I have to go with my friend.
That too is an example of a GOOD friend. She initiates the cock-block knowing that her friend will be uninterested in such a lame-o.
Scenario 3: Ladies at the bar are approached by a decent-enough looking chap
Chap: Hello ladies, how are you?
Lady #1: We’re great thanks, how are you?
Chap: I’m just great. Can I perhaps interest you in a dance?
Lady #2: Dark Lord Satan I summon you to castrate this inferior male and fling him into the abyss of eternal chastity.
Chap: Aaaaaah!
Lady #2: Oops, what I meant to say is that my feet hurt and I want to go home.
Lady #1: Actually, I think he was asking you to dance.
Lady #2: Well in that case, let’s go!
Now what we see here is an attempt to cock-block that is not motivated by any deficiency on the part of the chap. The chap is removed entirely from the scenario. Here is what is going on inside the head of the “Ugly Friend”
Inner monologue: How come she always gets asked to dance? I mean, sure I’m a bitter evil person, but that’s not my fault, it’s the result of a society that judges people on their external appearances and their internal value rather than what I want. I am going to make sure that this guy doesn’t get anywhere with my friend so that she will remain as lonely and bitter as I am. That way, I don’t have to face up to my own problems because I won’t be alone in them. Oh wait what is this? He wants to dance with me? Ah well then, forget my friend’s happiness, I’m gonna get my swerve on.
Ladies. A cock-block done for noble reasons (the girl is excessively drunk, the guy looks shady, etc.) is a GOOD thing. However, once you have completed the cock-block, please remove both you and your friend from the scene to discuss strategy. Does your friend like this guy? Was she looking for an excuse to leave without being impolite? Once the game plan has been set, then return to the scene. Don’t just leave the poor guy wondering what he did wrong when this girl clearly was into him but he can’t do anything about it.
Guys. Recognize and appreciate the well-intentioned cock-block. If the cock-block is for the wrong reasons, you’re out of luck anyway, unless you can get her number. If you have a wingman, don’t forget that “jumping on the grenade” (dancing with the “Ugly Friend”) puts you in his eternal debt. If YOU are the “Ugly Friend” then get your bitch-ass away from a girl you’re never gonna score with and chase some tail of your own.
So how does the story of Eduardo and Consuela end? Happily, I am pleased to report. Managing to approach Consuela away from the evil clutches of her diabolical guardian, Eduardo got Consuela’s contact info. Not a great ending, but most assuredly a happy one.
Riddle me this: Why do women have to make it utterly and painfully clear that they absolutely will not, never-ever, not-if-every-man-on-earth-dies-except-you, have sex with you? You’re hanging out with your friends (women included), and you (or someone, anyway) makes a completely harmless joke about you and the woman having sex. The woman always says something like “not in your lifetime”. Why do they say that? Do they think that responding to the joke equals having slept with the person, and that will label them as easy?
It is very, VERY annoying when they do that, since the entire fun of hanging out with girls is the innuendoes (and sometimes the sex), and it’s good fun anyway. What is it, girls, do you feel superior by doing that to someone? Does it make you feel powerful that someone made a joke about you? Well, it’s mean, and I couldn’t bring myself to do that to a woman. By the way, it’s not about actually having sex. 99% of the time, I’m not even attracted to the girl I joke with. It’s also not about actually not wanting to have sex, I have had it from women that were much less attractive than me (yes, they were THAT ugly). Also, most of the time it’s not a subtle dismissal. It is an EARTH-SHAKING ROAR that shouts “YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND I AM NOT BLIND, I AM JUST WEARING THESE EYEPATCHES TO AVOID LOOKING AT YOU” right in your ear.
This entry is deliberately short (well, not deliberately, I ran all out of anger). Expect better posts later.
And, by the way, ladies, a hint: When guys joke about sex, they’re only half-kidding, so if you want all the copulation, take it half-seriously.
