Would you rather have…
There was this commercial I saw on TV. It was about a bear recklessly breaking into some poor redneck’s hunting cabin and eating all the food. The bear bypasses the obvious stash of moonshine and animal porn and goes straight for the cooler, looking for a refreshing beverage. Finding the cooler bereft of liquid refreshment, the bear steals the hunter’s clothes and ID (which are for some reason just lying around in the cabin) and hikes to the nearest convenience store – a caveat here, if the convenience store is close enough for a bear to walk there, what kind of hunting cabin was this? What was he hunting? Children separated from their parents? We can only speculate – anyways… the bear writes a cheque and buys a 12-pack of Pepsi. The announcer’s voice comes up and says “Nothing goes better with leftovers than an ice-cold Pepsi”.
Now maybe it was because my bullshit filter was clogged by the DAZZLINGLY idiotic commercial that preceded that assertion. Maybe it was because of my irrational fear that bears will take over the planet. Maybe it was because Pepsi is, in every way, an inferior product to Porocrom Cola (coming soon to a speakeasy in YOUR neighbourhood), but I had a SERIOUS problem with that statement. NOTHING, they say, goes better with leftovers than Pepsi. NOTHING! Needless to say, I can think of quite a number of things I would rather have than a single Pepsi.
Let’s start with the obvious. TWO PEPSIS. Why would you stop at one? I mean, if one Pepsi with leftovers is just shy of heaven (the Muslim one where you get 70 virgins), two Pepsis must be twice as good! It’s a win-win situation for you and the corporation.
How about A KICK IN THE FACE? Pepsi isn’t that great. I think that if given the choice between a Pepsi and a swift boot to the jaw, I would have a hard time stating my preference. BTW, to all of my friends who read this, don’t bother testing it. Just give me the Pepsi, and your wallet.
Okay, what about A NEW BIKE? I don’t want to meet the caffeine junkie who passes up a brand new 15-speed mountain bike with double-suspension, psychic brakes that you control with your mind, and two cup-holders for a friggin’ COLA. Here’s the thing: you need Pepsi so bad, you can use the bike to get to the store and buy some! And also some Lime Crush for me please.
Who doesn’t like SEX after a hearty meal? I will marry the girl with whom I can have the following conversation:
Me: Wow honey, that was a mighty tasty lasagna.
Her: Oh, thanks. It’s no big deal, my mom brought some leftovers from my uncle’s anniversary party.
Me: Well it was quite delicious. Did she make it?
Her: Yeah, it’s an old family recipe.
Me: What is that, Romano cheese?
Her: Yep, and grated Feta.
Me: Absolutely delectable.
Her: So, what do you say we open ‘em up?
Me: What, these two ice-cold Pepsis?
Her: No, my legs.
Now that is a functional relationship. There is a problem of course, since you aren’t likely to be slapped in the face if you go into a restaurant and ask the waitress if she will bring you a Pepsi…
Nothing goes better with leftovers than A GOLD BRICK. Gold bricks are worth a lot of money. If I went to a friend’s house and they said “Sorry, all we have is leftovers. We can order out or I can just give you a gold brick and we’ll eat yesterday’s pot roast”, it wouldn’t be that difficult a decision for me to make.
Why not wash down last night’s Chinese food (Long Dong Chicken) with a hearty draught of WORLD DOMINATION? Pick the scraps off your plate, then order a tactical nuclear strike against France. Why? To finally make Jerry Lewis as dead as his career! (si tu est francais, je m’excuse mais les anglophones sont tres stupide et je dois les amuser) Have your thumb on the pulse of your community… and EVERYTHING ELSE. Or, you could have a Pepsi… your choice.
Now maybe it was because my bullshit filter was clogged by the DAZZLINGLY idiotic commercial that preceded that assertion. Maybe it was because of my irrational fear that bears will take over the planet. Maybe it was because Pepsi is, in every way, an inferior product to Porocrom Cola (coming soon to a speakeasy in YOUR neighbourhood), but I had a SERIOUS problem with that statement. NOTHING, they say, goes better with leftovers than Pepsi. NOTHING! Needless to say, I can think of quite a number of things I would rather have than a single Pepsi.
Let’s start with the obvious. TWO PEPSIS. Why would you stop at one? I mean, if one Pepsi with leftovers is just shy of heaven (the Muslim one where you get 70 virgins), two Pepsis must be twice as good! It’s a win-win situation for you and the corporation.
How about A KICK IN THE FACE? Pepsi isn’t that great. I think that if given the choice between a Pepsi and a swift boot to the jaw, I would have a hard time stating my preference. BTW, to all of my friends who read this, don’t bother testing it. Just give me the Pepsi, and your wallet.
Okay, what about A NEW BIKE? I don’t want to meet the caffeine junkie who passes up a brand new 15-speed mountain bike with double-suspension, psychic brakes that you control with your mind, and two cup-holders for a friggin’ COLA. Here’s the thing: you need Pepsi so bad, you can use the bike to get to the store and buy some! And also some Lime Crush for me please.
Who doesn’t like SEX after a hearty meal? I will marry the girl with whom I can have the following conversation:
Me: Wow honey, that was a mighty tasty lasagna.
Her: Oh, thanks. It’s no big deal, my mom brought some leftovers from my uncle’s anniversary party.
Me: Well it was quite delicious. Did she make it?
Her: Yeah, it’s an old family recipe.
Me: What is that, Romano cheese?
Her: Yep, and grated Feta.
Me: Absolutely delectable.
Her: So, what do you say we open ‘em up?
Me: What, these two ice-cold Pepsis?
Her: No, my legs.
Now that is a functional relationship. There is a problem of course, since you aren’t likely to be slapped in the face if you go into a restaurant and ask the waitress if she will bring you a Pepsi…
Nothing goes better with leftovers than A GOLD BRICK. Gold bricks are worth a lot of money. If I went to a friend’s house and they said “Sorry, all we have is leftovers. We can order out or I can just give you a gold brick and we’ll eat yesterday’s pot roast”, it wouldn’t be that difficult a decision for me to make.
Why not wash down last night’s Chinese food (Long Dong Chicken) with a hearty draught of WORLD DOMINATION? Pick the scraps off your plate, then order a tactical nuclear strike against France. Why? To finally make Jerry Lewis as dead as his career! (si tu est francais, je m’excuse mais les anglophones sont tres stupide et je dois les amuser) Have your thumb on the pulse of your community… and EVERYTHING ELSE. Or, you could have a Pepsi… your choice.
Posted by Crommunist @ 6:42 am