Well my Christmas vacation was over, so I decided to pick up some food supplies for school. I wasn’t 100% sure what I wanted so I went to a local store (can’t say the name, let’s just say they don’t have a lot of frills) to purchase some of these items. I have discovered something that may shock or baffle you, unless you are not a total moron in which case it will be old-hat.

People are stupid animals.

I was in the produce aisle looking for some items for a soup I was planning to make that night. I saw a mom take her 7-year old kid out of the cart because he was whining and screaming. As she turned her back on him, he dashed off because he is a little ADD fucker. As she proceeded to squeeze EVERY SINGLE TOMATO in the display, the kid went to the cereal aisle and started opening boxes like an allergic person searching for his epi-pen. So, as I go over to get some cereal, I see this result of a bottle of cheap whiskey and a broken prophylactic run back to his mother who is calling for him. It is not until I realize that the only cereal he could get at is the stuff on the bottom shelf (a.k.a. the ones I want) and I have to rummage around for undamaged boxes.

So I shrug it off.

Then, as I am heading to the frozen food section, I am held up by a family of 7 with three shopping carts walking along like they are on holiday in an art gallery. I have seen groceries before, and I have to tell you, they’re not that interesting. Apparently these people came from a country without Rice-A-Roni because they found it to be the most fascinating thing since 15 year-old boys found the internet. Now, ordinarily I would just manoeuvre around these slow-moving people, but because of their sheer numbers they managed to block the entire aisle. So I, in my most polite voice said ‘excuse me please’. After they got over the initial shock (the look on the dad’s face was priceless, like I had just appeared out of the sky from a space ship) they attempted to move to allow me and my cart past. Unfortunately, since they had a collective IQ lower than my height in Astronomic Units (1 AU is roughly the distance between the Earth and the Sun), it took about 5 minutes of shuffling and coaching to get 7 people and 3 shopping carts out of the way. I don’t know what they were buying with all those carts, but I can only hope that it was a clue.

So I take a deep breath and try to calm myself.

As I am finishing up my shopping experience, I notice this girl who has been making a very similar trip to me. Everywhere I have been in the store, she was there on her cell phone, undoubtedly to her boyfriend or somesuch. The reason I noticed her at this point is because she is giving me a look so dirty I feel like the second-to-last guy participating in the Houston 500 (where Houston the porn star has sex with 500 consecutive guys – I am not making this up). Evidently she thinks that I am following her around with sexual thoughts in my mind. If you are reading this, blonde girl with the white and black Nike jacket, YOU ARE NOT THAT GOOD-LOOKING. I am glad you have such high self-esteem, but I am not going to follow you around in the store. If you were to look at my shopping cart, you would notice that it is full of groceries. Apparently I am the kind of perv who stalks anonymous women in grocery stores and buys food at the same time (it’s the age of multitasking)

So I count backwards from 10, unclench my fists, and move on.

There was a really short grocery line, so I hopped in it. I realized that the reason it was so short is because the cashier is new. Now when I say new, I don’t mean that it was just her first day on the job. She must have been new at LIFE because I am pretty sure I could have scanned myself through faster than she did. Not to malign the rocket-science level thinking that is required to operate a cash register, but can we speed up the process a bit please? The machine does the adding for you, all you have to do is hit the PLU button at the end. How do I know this? I was a register jockey way back when. I KNOW how easy it is. She didn’t even have to handle change or anything, I paid with debit!

So I close my eyes, take a second to put things in perspective, then I slug her really hard in the face.

The court order says someone else needs to buy my groceries for me now.