Porocrom’s Crappaper

I have searched high and low for a cause worthy of being promoted on this blog. Testicular cancer, juvenile diabetes, skydiving lessons for uppity rich women… none of these can compare to the charity I am championing in this post. Please friends, dig deep and give all you can to help stop this terrible disease that affects us all.

FUBS

For those of you not familiar with Fat Ugly Bitch Syndrome, it is a wasting disease that begins in childhood and manifests itself later in life. It is not known whether there the disease is genetically linked, but what is known is that FUBS victims often grow up in FUBS households (or as we call them, FUBSogenic homes).

Symptoms include:

- Being fat
- Being ugly
- Being a bitch
- Mild to severe headache (in other people)

Why, you might ask, is this of such personal importance to me? I recently had a run-in with a FUBS sufferer and it was an eye-opening experience. I was with my friend, let’s call her “Julie”, walking her dog. As we rounded the corner, we saw a dog chilling in the back yard. The two dogs began wagging their tails and acting playfully through the fence. Seeing as neither was barking or kicking up any fuss, we decided that it was harmless to allow them to enjoy their sniffing and whatnot. This had gone on for about a minute when a woman came out from the house. I cannot name names in the interest of victim protection, but suffice it to say that she is the female occupant of 235a Cerdarbrae ave. in Waterloo, it’s a brown house at the corner of Cedarbrae and Sunnydale with a chain fence at the side and it’s a PERFECT target for eggs or bricks… there I think that’s vague enough.

As she came out, “Julie” and I waved a friendly hello. Instead of responding in kind, the woman glared at us and then said “Can you get your dog off my property?” Somewhat taken aback, we immediately complied. The woman then turned to the door of the house and called to a person (or perhaps a pie, since I can’t imagine anyone actually living with her) “It’s just some stupid people with their dog.” She immediately waddled into the house.

At first I was angry. I am not a stupid person, neither is my friend. The dog is a dog, and that is nobody’s fault. For what reason did she take such exception? We were not making a mess, nor were we irritating her own dog, since they were both very friendly with each other. What right did this fat, ugly bitch have to call US stupid?

Then the pieces began to fall into place. Fat… ugly… bitch… FUBS! This woman wasn’t a criminal, she was a victim! Her condition was making her behave in such an extremely unappealing way. Instead of attacking her so ignorantly, I should have shown some more sympathy. But that is the thing about FUBS – it is so insidious that you don’t even realize the person is a sufferer until they have thoroughly pissed you off and you have popped them one in the snoot.

So the next time you are out and some fat ugly bitch starts getting up in your face, simply apologize and say “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had FUBS.” Once you have said this, they will know that you are a sensitive, caring person who wouldn’t judge someone merely by their looks… or personality… or actions… and will respond by becoming an even bigger bitch.

For the month of March, proceeds from all Porocrom t-shirts will go towards a FUBS fund to buy treadmills and make-up for the thousands of FUBS sufferers worldwide. We appreciate your help, as every FUBS case is a special one.

I know it’s a bit late for this, but who cares, it’s not like I have anything better to do. Valentine’s day has come and gone again, and I know that many of you want to dump that skanky bitch girlfriend of yours, but you don’t want to do it on Valentine’s day (by the way, Valentine’s day sucks, like the other “something” days, it’s just an excuse for people to remember what they forget all year round, and if they don’t forget it, why remember it now?), so you should buy her a present that says I want to break up with you. Well, here is the definitive guide:

• Keychain of a heart that splits in two.
  I know that normally this gift symbolizes that the person feels incomplete alone and the only time they are complete is when the other person is with them, but A) Those keychains are so common that it’s easier to find someone with the other half than not, and B) The message is totally different if you hold the complete heart up, pull on the pieces and say “See, this heart BREAKS UP“. If she doesn’t get it, what are you doing with someone with a negative IQ?
  
• A vibrator.
  A vibrator, as a dear friend of mine very perceptively noted, can be a great gift, but once again, the meaning is not so much in the gift but in the action that accompanies it. You will give it to her in a box wrapped with glossy paper, and when she opens it excitedly and sees it, you will say “It’s a dildo, I’m leaving you, go fuck yourself.” Eloquent and simple, it always works.
  
• A greeting card.
  Nothing says “I’m breaking up with you” like a greeting card that says “I’m breaking up with you.” She might be a bit blindsided if you get a generic, run-of-the-mill card though, so be sure to get her an authentic Porocrom greeting card, like the sample below:
  
  It is guaranteed to convey your exact sentiments while making her laugh, so that it does not leave a bitter aftertaste. We at Porocrom guarantee it (This particular card is available here).
  
• A parrot.
  A talking parrot can be a great pet, and it will serve your purpose magnificently if you teach it a few words that suit the circumstance. “Die, bitch”, “I hate you”, and “I wish you would get the fuck out of my life” are always popular, but depending on the situation you might choose to go with the more benign “I am screwing your best friend” and “Your momma is a hot piece of ass, I want to do her on the kitchen table” (although intelligibility will suffer, especially with the last phrase). Not to mention that talking parrots cost about $4000, you can buy like, a million Mexican hookers with that money.
  
  
• Nothing.
  Oh you cheapass, I’m surprised you would even think of this. The poor girl has bought you a gift and gave it to you waiting just to see the excitement on your countenance, and you will reward her with nothing? You suck, I hate you. You don’t deserve her, she will be better off without you. In fact, I hope she dumps you first! Damn miser…
  

Well folks, there you have it. Now you have no excuse not to break up with your significant other, not with such an extensive and resourceful gift list. By the way, if you are on the receiving end of one of these gifts, too bad. Perhaps we will prepare some revenge cards you can send him/her/their mother to get even.

I was having a rather enjoyable discussion with some friends recently, when the argument that the woman is the one who chooses the man came up. I can see how one might arrive at this fallacy, if they take into account the following scenario:
Man sees woman.
Man talks to woman.
Woman either spreads legs, or slaps man in the face.
At this point, many argue that the woman has made the choice, which implies that the man had no choice in the matter. This portrays men as horny, sex-crazed beasts that go around talking to any female they encounter, not even caring if said female belongs to the same species as they. This, members of the alleged jury, is a non sequitur.

I know women that BEG to be chosen. They go to clubs and nobody comes to talk to them. I ask you, is that choice? Even the most hideously deformed man is free to try his luck with a member of the opposite gender, regardless of whether he succeeds or not. Women, on the other hand, are not able to do this, as it is not considered “normal” for a woman to go up to a man in a club and initiate conversation with him.

The argument I am making is that, in fact, men have a lot more choice than women. If I go out to a club and there are a hundred women there, I have a hundred to choose from. Even if a woman doesn’t notice me, I will make her notice me by talking to her. Women have to choose from at most two or three men that come to talk to them, out of the hundred or so that may be in the aforementioned place of social gathering. Also, if a woman likes someone who, for whatever reason, has not noticed her, she is shit out of luck. Good luck choosing him, girl.

Closing, I would like to ask of the members of the fair sex never to say this kind of bullshit again in my presence, else I shall be forced to pretend to listen to them while I lose all respect towards them I may have gained. Thank you.

So I took the bus home from school (as is usual for me) and sitting at the back was some punk high-school kid with torn jeans and an open shirt, and his semi-sleazy girlfriend. I hadn’t even made it to my seat before Punk stuck his tongue down Sleaze’s throat. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I assumed that she had a particle of food stuck back there and he was giving her mouth-to-mouth, or perhaps he had dropped his keys in her mouth and was looking for them. However, after repeated tongue-mouth insertions, I realized that this was not the case. It was somewhere between the tongue tonsilectomy and the tickle-fight that I realized that I hate those kinds of couples. You know the kind – they put their hands in each other’s pockets, they make out at the drop of a hat, they hit each other playfully and have tickle-fights while you are standing behind them in line for food (Dan and Tamara, this means YOU!), they sip sodas at the malt shop out of one glass with two straws (okay, maybe only in Archie comics, but you get the point). Thus, with these things on my mind, I submit:

CROMMUNIST’S RELATIONSHIP HABITS

There are 4 basic types of relationships

1) Together, attached
This is typified by Sleaze and Punk. Regardless of the social setting, be it private or public, they are all over each other like sex-starved baboons at a Prince concert. The two can be found almost constantly in physical contact ranging from hand-holding to cuddling to his hand down her pants like he’s searching for change between couch cushions. This relationship style is the height of rudeness, as it puts everyone else in the room at a general state of uneasiness (and possibly nausea).

PROS: The action never stops

CONS: Well, you might lose all your friends, get your bus privledges revoked, and may become the target of projectile vomiting from unwitting bystanders.

2) Separate, attached
We all know someone like this: “My boyfriend THIS, my boyfriend THAT, boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend!” We’re all very happy for you Kim, now SHUT THE HELL UP! Separate-attached will speak at length about their significant other in their absence. This absence can range from ‘in the next room and coming back in a couple of minutes’ to ‘taking a light-speed tour of the universe and will be back in time to meet our great-grandchildren’. I know depressed widows who talk about their departed less, and THE GUY IS DEAD! While not QUITE as rude as together-attached, it still ranks pretty high on the ‘want to punch you in the face’ scale.

PROS: None really, except at least there’s only one of them at a time to deal with.

CONS: Annoying as hell, and when your friends ditch you because you drive them up the wall, you’ll have NOBODY to keep you company.

NOTE: If you meet a new person of the opposite sex (or I suppose same sex as well but I am not qualified to discuss this) and you HAVE a significant other, it is not considered rude to drop that fact ONCE within the first 5 minutes of meeting, just so they know the score.

3) Together, detached
This is the relationship style most often seen by people who have been together for a while. They are clearly a couple, as they interact like one (perhaps even with occasional affectionate physical contact) but don’t feel the need to be CONSTANTLY referring to each other. This style is best because you can be in a public place without making other people physically ill/homicidal, and yet enjoy all the psychological reinforcement of your significant other’s presence.

PROS: Can behave this way in public, no getting covered in other people’s lunch.

CONS: Still run the risk of making other people uncomfortable, but you may not care, in which case right on.

4) Separate, detached
I like to call this the ‘relationship ninja’ style. Only you and the other person know that you are a couple, nobody else has a clue. You don’t do or say anything differently, until people are safely out of ear/eyeshot. Then dim the lights and go crazy. I have done this (for about 6 months before we were ‘outed’ actually) and it is a lot of fun. Nobody can fault your behaviour in this style, since you have none. Also, the look on people’s faces is priceless when they find out you’ve been together a long time and they never noticed.

PROS: Least rude, lots of fun.

CONS: Good luck keeping up the charade, unless the other person is kinda ugly, then it’s possible. Also you run the risk of some unsuspecting rube hitting on your girlfriend.

I’m sure nobody would admit to being in relationship style 1 or 2, since you have to be human scum to put your friends through that, but we’ve all been there people. Just remember, if you’re in a public place, show some respect. If I see Punk and Sleaze on the bus again, I’m going to sit right next to them and start scratching myself and then say “Oh I’m sorry, is this a behaviour best conducted IN PRIVATE?” Either that or kick Punk’s ass.