So I took the bus home from school (as is usual for me) and sitting at the back was some punk high-school kid with torn jeans and an open shirt, and his semi-sleazy girlfriend. I hadn’t even made it to my seat before Punk stuck his tongue down Sleaze’s throat. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I assumed that she had a particle of food stuck back there and he was giving her mouth-to-mouth, or perhaps he had dropped his keys in her mouth and was looking for them. However, after repeated tongue-mouth insertions, I realized that this was not the case. It was somewhere between the tongue tonsilectomy and the tickle-fight that I realized that I hate those kinds of couples. You know the kind – they put their hands in each other’s pockets, they make out at the drop of a hat, they hit each other playfully and have tickle-fights while you are standing behind them in line for food (Dan and Tamara, this means YOU!), they sip sodas at the malt shop out of one glass with two straws (okay, maybe only in Archie comics, but you get the point). Thus, with these things on my mind, I submit:

CROMMUNIST’S RELATIONSHIP HABITS

There are 4 basic types of relationships

1) Together, attached
This is typified by Sleaze and Punk. Regardless of the social setting, be it private or public, they are all over each other like sex-starved baboons at a Prince concert. The two can be found almost constantly in physical contact ranging from hand-holding to cuddling to his hand down her pants like he’s searching for change between couch cushions. This relationship style is the height of rudeness, as it puts everyone else in the room at a general state of uneasiness (and possibly nausea).

PROS: The action never stops

CONS: Well, you might lose all your friends, get your bus privledges revoked, and may become the target of projectile vomiting from unwitting bystanders.

2) Separate, attached
We all know someone like this: “My boyfriend THIS, my boyfriend THAT, boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend!” We’re all very happy for you Kim, now SHUT THE HELL UP! Separate-attached will speak at length about their significant other in their absence. This absence can range from ‘in the next room and coming back in a couple of minutes’ to ‘taking a light-speed tour of the universe and will be back in time to meet our great-grandchildren’. I know depressed widows who talk about their departed less, and THE GUY IS DEAD! While not QUITE as rude as together-attached, it still ranks pretty high on the ‘want to punch you in the face’ scale.

PROS: None really, except at least there’s only one of them at a time to deal with.

CONS: Annoying as hell, and when your friends ditch you because you drive them up the wall, you’ll have NOBODY to keep you company.

NOTE: If you meet a new person of the opposite sex (or I suppose same sex as well but I am not qualified to discuss this) and you HAVE a significant other, it is not considered rude to drop that fact ONCE within the first 5 minutes of meeting, just so they know the score.

3) Together, detached
This is the relationship style most often seen by people who have been together for a while. They are clearly a couple, as they interact like one (perhaps even with occasional affectionate physical contact) but don’t feel the need to be CONSTANTLY referring to each other. This style is best because you can be in a public place without making other people physically ill/homicidal, and yet enjoy all the psychological reinforcement of your significant other’s presence.

PROS: Can behave this way in public, no getting covered in other people’s lunch.

CONS: Still run the risk of making other people uncomfortable, but you may not care, in which case right on.

4) Separate, detached
I like to call this the ‘relationship ninja’ style. Only you and the other person know that you are a couple, nobody else has a clue. You don’t do or say anything differently, until people are safely out of ear/eyeshot. Then dim the lights and go crazy. I have done this (for about 6 months before we were ‘outed’ actually) and it is a lot of fun. Nobody can fault your behaviour in this style, since you have none. Also, the look on people’s faces is priceless when they find out you’ve been together a long time and they never noticed.

PROS: Least rude, lots of fun.

CONS: Good luck keeping up the charade, unless the other person is kinda ugly, then it’s possible. Also you run the risk of some unsuspecting rube hitting on your girlfriend.

I’m sure nobody would admit to being in relationship style 1 or 2, since you have to be human scum to put your friends through that, but we’ve all been there people. Just remember, if you’re in a public place, show some respect. If I see Punk and Sleaze on the bus again, I’m going to sit right next to them and start scratching myself and then say “Oh I’m sorry, is this a behaviour best conducted IN PRIVATE?” Either that or kick Punk’s ass.