Porocrom’s Crappaper

I had a conversation with a female friend of mine, and she related to me the unfortunate story of her interaction with a guy she met.

APPARENTLY, she met this guy and they were talking about a shared interest (I believe it was break-dancing) and they hit it off quite well. At the end of the interaction, she was SHOCKED to learn from friends that the guy found her quite intriguing and wanted to date her.

So I said… well DUH.

Ladies (and I am not just flapping my gums, there ARE women who read this site. I drank tonic water from a hat with a couple of them on St. Patrick’s Day and promised I would write about it), you should stand unamazed if you discover that a guy has a thing for you.

I hearken here to a classic movie about men and women and the way they interact. No, it is not a porno, I have a BIT more class than that. The movie to which I refer is “When Harry Met Sally” with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. In that movie, one of my favourite conversations went something like this:

Harry: Men and women can’t just be friends
Sally: What do you mean?
Harry: I mean that if you’re friends with someone, and you’re not interested in him, then he’s interested in you.
Sally: But you and I are friends and you’re not interested in me
Harry: (Awkward silence)
Met: Are you guys gonna need me today?

Okay so maybe I am paraphrasing a LOT, but there is a lot of truth in that. I can’t count the number of times that I have met someone who seems really cool and we appear to have a lot in common and I would like to get to know better (in a naked sort of way), only to find out they have a boyfriend. Or WORSE, when you finally screw up the courage to ask someone out that you’ve been friends with for a while, and only THEN do they drop the bomb that they are currently letting someone else use them for sex.

Well Skivven, you might say, how can such a thing be avoided?

To this question I reply… WHO THE HELL IS SKIVVEN? Why is EVERYONE calling me Skivven?

But there IS an answer to this.


First of all, I want to make a disclaimer, or a caveat if you will:

Women, if you meet a guy, and you hit it off and you have a lot in common and you have a long meaningful conversation, HE IS LIKELY INTERESTED IN YOU!

Women, if a guy asks you to go out, and you don’t have the kind of relationship where you go out and do stuff, or you don’t hang out regularly, HE IS LIKELY ASKING YOU ON A DATE!

Men, WOMEN DO NOT KNOW THIS!


Okay, so let’s run through a little scenario. Steve and Jennifer meet through a mutual acquaintance. Steve is currently not seeing anybody, whereas Jennifer has been dating her boyfriend for a few months. For illustrative purposes, internal monologue is being supplied.

Steve: Hi Jennifer, nice to meet you. (Wow, nice hair, cute face, so-so in the boob department, 8.5/10)
Jennifer: Hi Steve, back at you. (I hope my hair looks all right, so that I can attract guys who I will frustrate because THEY CANNOT HAVE ME!)
Steve: Matt was telling me you’re into synchronized cattle-birthing too.
Jennifer: That’s right.
Steve: That’s awesome. So few SCBers around these parts. We should go grab coffee sometime and compare notes. (I do so hope she says yes, as she seems like a swell girl, and I would so enjoy rogering her thoroughly)
Jennifer: Yeah, I’ve been SCBing since I was young. That’s actually how I got this scar on my inner thigh. (Am I kidding? My hair looks GREAT! I wish my boobs weren’t so so-so though)
Steve: That certainly is an impressive-looking scar. Got any more you want to show me? (Dude, she might be hitting on me)
Jennifer: Only one, but I can’t really show you here, there’s too many people around. (I’m sooooo pretty. Prettier than THAT bitch, anyways…)
Steve: Well maybe we can get together sometime and I’ll show you the back seat of my car. (Dude, she IS hitting on me!)
Jennifer: That sounds like fun. (Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty)


I realize this conversation is a little brief, that in real life it would have been a bit more prolonged, but for the purposes of this issue it is a sufficient case study. What Jennifer SHOULD have done is something like the following:


Steve: Matt was telling me you’re into synchronized cattle-birthing too.
Jennifer: That’s right. It’s funny, so few guys like SCB. I tried to get my boyfriend started on it, but all he’s really interested in doing is giving me multiple orgasms. Sigh Boys, eh?
Steve: Yeah, it’s true, mostly chicks. (Phew, I am ever so glad that she told me that she is seeing someone. Now I know the score, and can plan the rest of my interaction accordingly)


Now there is a right way and a wrong way to do this:

Boy: Hi there.
Girl: BACK OFF! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!
Boy: Wow! You’re a total bitch!

WRONG!!!

Boy: Hi there.
Girl: Hello
Boy: Have you seen that new movie?
Girl: No, but my boyfriend and I talked about it.
Boy: Wow! You must read Porocrom! Here is $50.

RIGHT!!!

Nobody needs to get that thrown in their face. Try to work it in casually. The best way to do it is to make it seem like you didn’t do it at all.


Now some of you will be saying “Wait a sec, why don’t guys just ASK? Wouldn’t that solve the problem?” While it would solve the problem, it would also make the situation MORE awkward rather than less. Not only that, but nobody likes putting themselves out on the line like that.

Other, more intelligent people will say “Wait a sec, why is this only for women? Don’t guys do this all the time?” My answer is: probably, but I’ve never seen it, having never tried to pick up a guy before. So guys, try to drop it in casually. But be forewarned, some girls will turn into total bitches when they realize that you won’t be curling their toes that evening.


All of these secrets as well as tips on how to subtlely work your significant other into conversation will appear in my book: “Love, sex, relationships, and other things I am not at all qualified to talk about” soon to be released from Porocrom Publishing.

No, not the Disney one…

I was bored on a Saturday morning, flipping through channels on TV, when I came across what may be the GREATEST B-movie (described by someone on IMDB as a Triple-Z movie) I have ever seen.

HERCULES

Where to start… for those of you who aren’t familiar with the story of Hercules (or Heracles, if you swing that way) you can read it here or just take my word for it, it’s great.

The 1983 treatment of Hercules brings a whole new gravity to the term ‘artistic license’. Starring Lou Ferrigno, a B actor and bodybuilder in his own right, this movie took Greek mythology and science fiction to all new depths of head-scratching. As I present a synopsis of the movie, please be advised that I am not making any of these things up. This is what happens in the movie, unaltered.


Hercules is found in a basket by the river. Perhaps the director was confused between Greek mythology and the Bible (no comments regarding which is more plausible), but apparently he was orphaned by the gods and sent down the river in a basket. Hera sends some snakes to kill him, but little baby Hercules catches them in his hands. Then, for no explained reason I could discern, a grown woman’s hands are seen crushing the serpents.

Hercules is found by some people who like to steal babies. He grows up, and over the years becomes the Incredible Hulk… again, for no reason I can discover. One day while collecting wood in the forest, a bear sneaks up on Hercules’ adopted dad and kills him. Enraged and inflamed with vengeance, Hercules beats the living fuck out of some poor schmo in a bear costume. He then hurls the bear into outer space (which was the style at the time), whereupon it becomes a constellation.

Meanwhile, the evil king Minos summons Daedalus, the god of science. A sidenote for those of you who aren’t mythology buffs, Daedalus was a guy who designed a lot of stuff (including the Labyrinth made famous by Theseus and the Minotaur) and the father of Icarus. Daedalus is NOT a scantily-clad chick with magical science powers. But back to the movie. Daedalus and Minos hatch a plot by which they mean to overthrow the gods, but Hercules is a threat. To stop him from achieving greatness, Daedalus sends a giant metallic moth tinker-toy to kill him. However, it gets bored and kills Hercules’ mom instead.

Hercules, upon finding his mom dead, fights the tinker-toy with a stick. Apparently in those times, wood is a great conductor of electricity. Hercules then lights his house on fire. This is a snippet from the movie.

Some guy: Hercules, why are you lighting your house on fire?
Hercules: I have no house anymore.

Well no SHIT, you just torched it! Like… couldn’t he have just locked the door? I really didn’t understand that part.

So Hercules goes to become a great warrior, and in that way somehow discover who killed his parents. OJ Simpson would use this same strategy millenia later, finding “the real killers” by golfing a lot. He goes to a kingdom and fights a lot of people in an incredibly comical fashion. At the end of the trials, he throws a log into space, destroying the planet between Earth and Mars (apparently there was one before).

Then a lot of stuff happens that is funny, but not THAT funny. Suffice it to say, he ends up getting kidnapped and marooned on the Isle of Circe the sorceress. He kills a metal dragon monster using cosmic rays (seriously, not making this up), some more stuff happens, there’s a magical amulet… some more stuff happens, Hercules and Circe end up in Africa. Circe makes him grow to super-size, whereupon he pushes the continents of Africa and Europe apart.

Some more stuff happens… I would have tried to make a more accurate synopsis but a) it would be WAY longer than this (which is already long as hell) and b) the stupidity of the movie had rendered my brain the approximate consistency of old cottage cheese.

Anyways, Hercules finds a magic chariot, and then instead of using horses to pull it, he uses a rock… you’re not the only one who finds that odd, trust me. Anyways, the rock pulls them through outer space to the island that Minos lives on… an island in space, sure.

Hercules fights a third robot monster. It kills Circe (she was getting irritating anyways, and Hercules is supposed to bang this other chick). Hercules finds out that Minos’ dastardly plan is to use the power of the Phoenix to give him super-strength and stuff. Once again, for those of you who aren’t mythology buffs, the Phoenix isn’t even Greek… it would be roughly the same as if Hercules used King Arthur’s sword to crush the Intergalactic Empire…

So yeah, magic sword fight, crazy sex scene, I had to leave the room. Sadly, most of our movie reviews will end this way, because they stink SO BAD.

But if you’re in the mood for a REALLY good laugh, check out this movie. I don’t think I have laughed this hard at a movie before. The bear scene is the best.

This has been a long time in coming, but I wanted to wait until I did a BIL about this particular artist.

I first encountered him through a video for “Wonderful (It’s Superman)” on Much Music. The song is a really peppy up-beat tune, perfect for driving.

I sing you this song, so you can see
Whatever became of me
This summer I will wait under your cherry tree
Just to hear wonderful from you

His single “Stutter” got a fair amount of airtime on the Edge (Toronto radio station). I sort of filed his name in the back of my mind for a couple years, until I saw a poster for a show he was playing in Waterloo. I called up a friend and we went to Bomber to see him play.

Little did I know that those two singles would only scratch the surface on my love for the musical stylings of

Andy Stochansky

While 5 star Motel wasn’t Andy’s first released album, it was the first one I was exposed to. That night he played most of his songs from the album, as well as some other song from previous recordings. The thing that struck me about Andy the first time was the sheer honesty that dripped from every line. These words MEANT something to him. The other thing that I liked about Andy was his voice, a sort of worn-in-jeans soulful croon that fits his musical style like a cup in a saucer.

I got another chance to see him play in the SLC in November. He and Les (his guitarist – really cool guy who kinda looks like Gord Downie) played some semi-unplugged stuff in the afternoon. One of his songs (“Here Nor There”) was apparently on Felicity, so if you watch that show you might have heard him. I was really jazzed to hear that he was releasing another album soon, and that he would be coming back to Waterloo.

So when Andy found himself in Waterloo again, I found myself standing in the middle of a seated crowd singing at the top of my lungs along to “Wonderful”. Most of the material in the show came from the upcoming album 100, including the first single “Shine”. Whereas 5 star Motel was a bit more romantic and quiet, 100 appears to be a more well-rounded blend of moods. Some happy, some hard, some quiet (including a song reacting to rock super-stars and their boyish mentality), all AMAZING. He closed out the set with a few old favourites, including a rocked-up version of Fly which saw a somewhat impromptu drum solo by Andy. It was a really fun show.

The one bone I have to pick with Andy is that nobody I know has a CLUE who he is. So… I went to the show alone. However, as soon as he hit the stage, Andy made everyone feel as though we weren’t watching him on a stage, but hanging out getting drunk in his basement and jamming. I half-expected him to pull someone out of the audience and hand them a guitar.

I HAVE to throw a line or two to the opening band

Turn Off the Stars

A Toronto 4-piece still in the shallow end of the fame pool. I have been to a few live shows, but I have NEVER seen a group sound so polished on stage. Their effects and musical blends were tight as all get-out. It’s a little difficult to classify TOTS, but the closest comparison I can make is to Our Lady Peace, especially the stuff on Happiness (except One Man Army, which everyone hates). TOTS is touring with Andy across the country, so if you’re living in London or Toronto or points west of Waterloo, make sure to check out the website to see when Andy and TOTS are in your town.

Also! March 29th, 100 is in stores. I will be getting my grubby mitts on a copy as soon as I can.

Andy Stochansky Songs to Check Out

- 22 Steps
- Wonderful (It’s Superman)
- One Day
- Paris
- Miss USA

So, you are watching David Copperfield or some other loser who didn’t get a real job and so decided to start making cards disappear for a living, and you are absolutely stunned and dumbfounded by the magician’s tricks like the dumbass you are. Today, we at Porocrom will reveal to you the deepest secrets of the art of prestidigitation, secrets these so-called “magicians” do not want you to know. My cunning wit and my acute eyesight have figured out each and every trick these people perform, and I will reveal them to you without further ado. So, let me begin revealing what I have discovered through my sheer observational prowess and have not read or been told by anyone else. Here it is.

Sawing people in half.

This trick is childish, anyone with an IQ of over 10 can immediately understand how they do this simplistic “sawing”. The woman that goes in the box to be sawed in half is not in fact a woman, but two mutated midgets whose parents lived in Chernobyl during 1986. One of them has a normal head and arms but really really small legs, and the other one has normal legs but really small arms and head. They sit one on top of the other in the bathing suit and they look as if they are one person, but they’re not. When they get in the box, they just unzip the bathing suit in the middle, the “magician” pretends to saw them in half while they drink a cup of coffee and read their newspaper (well, the bottom half anyway, her only job is to wiggle her toes, big deal). When the trick is over, they rezip the bathing suit and come back out unscathed, much to the audience’s surprise, whee, look, it’s a whole woman. Like hell it is!

Making stuff disappear.

This trick is a bit harder for the entertainer to perform, but it is based on the same principle that makes your keys disappear when you need them the most. Let’s say that, for example, the entertainer wants to make an elephant disappear. Minutes before the show he takes his lovely assistant and has another assistant shove her deep up the elephant’s ass. Now, the poor woman will suffocate if she is left in there too long, so the magician goes on the stage, presents his thing, and then, just as the assistant is about to expire, he attempts to pull her off the elephant’s ass, only to find that the elephant has disappeared at this most inopportune moment (much like your keys). This, again, surprises the audience greatly, because they do not know the dramatic moments that the assistant is going through, and they’re all like “oh, nice elephant, let’s go have sex later”. Sadly, the assistant dies lodged in the elephant’s ass, and then, having no reason to pull her out now, the elephant reappears. Warning: This trick is performed very rarely because good assistants are so hard to come by nowadays…

Levitating.

This trick was one of the hardest for me to explain, but in the end I did it. I never doubted my abilities, but it was frustrating, trying and trying to find a solution to this grueling problem. You are of course familiar with the trick where the magician lays his beautiful assistant on a table and makes her float into the air while she is lying down. This can be thoroughly and adequately explained thus:
The magician uses two invisible midgets and a baby wolf. The two midgets are stuffed in the table and come out when it is time for the trick, because the baby wolf is also in the table, but it is not hungry until that moment. Then the midgets become frightened and spring out of the table, forcing the assistant to seemingly rise into the air, but she’s not rising, it’s only because the midgets are invisible. Come to think of it, this explains many, many tricks. I believe I have stumbled upon one of the most important discoveries of the twenty first century. I still haven’t figured the part about the baby wolf out, because if the midgets are invisible, how can it see them? It probably can’t, but midgets are afraid anyway. Aha, it can smell them, that’s it. Yes.

Pulling rabbits from a hat.

The most classic trick of all couldn’t be left unexplained, so here we are. This trick is again pretty simple. The magician removes his hat, shows it to the audience to confirm that it is, in fact, empty, and he places it on the table. He has previously hidden some Trix cereal in his sleeve though, which now surreptitiously rolls into the hat. Immediately, the dumbass Trix rabbit appears from within the hat and attempts to steal the cereal from the magician. Hell no that shit won’t fly with him though, the magician kicks the rabbit’s ass and gets the cereal back while performing this amazing magical feat of magic. He then proceeds to say “Silly rabbit, Trix are for invisible midgets” and makes Trix rabbit stew out of the fucker.

Invoking Satan.

This isn’t really a trick, it’s just your everyday, run-of-the-mill black magic. Magicians used to do this all the time in the olden days, but nowadays noone believes in Satan and they’re all like “boo, take the red midget off the stage” and they throw rotten cabbage and stuff, so you might not have seen this trick performed. Plus, Satan is really busy this time of the century and he can’t appear to every stupid magician who calls him, much unlike John Stamos.

Coin behind ear.

My nephew performed this fucking thing and I swear he was pulling an entire bag of dimes from behind my fucking ear, how the fuck does he do that shit? I have bought a highly trained team of Mexican and Chinese immigrants, specialised in problem solving, and have locked them in the basement for a month now. They have been working fervently towards solving this tantalising conundrum for an entire month, day and night, without sleep, food, or drink. Err, wait. I better go check up on them.

These are the only tricks I have been able to explain so far, but stay tuned, I will surely explain more as I think about them.