Movie Review: Hercules
No, not the Disney one…
I was bored on a Saturday morning, flipping through channels on TV, when I came across what may be the GREATEST B-movie (described by someone on IMDB as a Triple-Z movie) I have ever seen.
HERCULES
Where to start… for those of you who aren’t familiar with the story of Hercules (or Heracles, if you swing that way) you can read it here or just take my word for it, it’s great.
The 1983 treatment of Hercules brings a whole new gravity to the term ‘artistic license’. Starring Lou Ferrigno, a B actor and bodybuilder in his own right, this movie took Greek mythology and science fiction to all new depths of head-scratching. As I present a synopsis of the movie, please be advised that I am not making any of these things up. This is what happens in the movie, unaltered.
Hercules is found in a basket by the river. Perhaps the director was confused between Greek mythology and the Bible (no comments regarding which is more plausible), but apparently he was orphaned by the gods and sent down the river in a basket. Hera sends some snakes to kill him, but little baby Hercules catches them in his hands. Then, for no explained reason I could discern, a grown woman’s hands are seen crushing the serpents.
Hercules is found by some people who like to steal babies. He grows up, and over the years becomes the Incredible Hulk… again, for no reason I can discover. One day while collecting wood in the forest, a bear sneaks up on Hercules’ adopted dad and kills him. Enraged and inflamed with vengeance, Hercules beats the living fuck out of some poor schmo in a bear costume. He then hurls the bear into outer space (which was the style at the time), whereupon it becomes a constellation.
Meanwhile, the evil king Minos summons Daedalus, the god of science. A sidenote for those of you who aren’t mythology buffs, Daedalus was a guy who designed a lot of stuff (including the Labyrinth made famous by Theseus and the Minotaur) and the father of Icarus. Daedalus is NOT a scantily-clad chick with magical science powers. But back to the movie. Daedalus and Minos hatch a plot by which they mean to overthrow the gods, but Hercules is a threat. To stop him from achieving greatness, Daedalus sends a giant metallic moth tinker-toy to kill him. However, it gets bored and kills Hercules’ mom instead.
Hercules, upon finding his mom dead, fights the tinker-toy with a stick. Apparently in those times, wood is a great conductor of electricity. Hercules then lights his house on fire. This is a snippet from the movie.
Some guy: Hercules, why are you lighting your house on fire?
Hercules: I have no house anymore.
Well no SHIT, you just torched it! Like… couldn’t he have just locked the door? I really didn’t understand that part.
So Hercules goes to become a great warrior, and in that way somehow discover who killed his parents. OJ Simpson would use this same strategy millenia later, finding “the real killers” by golfing a lot. He goes to a kingdom and fights a lot of people in an incredibly comical fashion. At the end of the trials, he throws a log into space, destroying the planet between Earth and Mars (apparently there was one before).
Then a lot of stuff happens that is funny, but not THAT funny. Suffice it to say, he ends up getting kidnapped and marooned on the Isle of Circe the sorceress. He kills a metal dragon monster using cosmic rays (seriously, not making this up), some more stuff happens, there’s a magical amulet… some more stuff happens, Hercules and Circe end up in Africa. Circe makes him grow to super-size, whereupon he pushes the continents of Africa and Europe apart.
Some more stuff happens… I would have tried to make a more accurate synopsis but a) it would be WAY longer than this (which is already long as hell) and b) the stupidity of the movie had rendered my brain the approximate consistency of old cottage cheese.
Anyways, Hercules finds a magic chariot, and then instead of using horses to pull it, he uses a rock… you’re not the only one who finds that odd, trust me. Anyways, the rock pulls them through outer space to the island that Minos lives on… an island in space, sure.
Hercules fights a third robot monster. It kills Circe (she was getting irritating anyways, and Hercules is supposed to bang this other chick). Hercules finds out that Minos’ dastardly plan is to use the power of the Phoenix to give him super-strength and stuff. Once again, for those of you who aren’t mythology buffs, the Phoenix isn’t even Greek… it would be roughly the same as if Hercules used King Arthur’s sword to crush the Intergalactic Empire…
So yeah, magic sword fight, crazy sex scene, I had to leave the room. Sadly, most of our movie reviews will end this way, because they stink SO BAD.
But if you’re in the mood for a REALLY good laugh, check out this movie. I don’t think I have laughed this hard at a movie before. The bear scene is the best.
I was bored on a Saturday morning, flipping through channels on TV, when I came across what may be the GREATEST B-movie (described by someone on IMDB as a Triple-Z movie) I have ever seen.
HERCULES
Where to start… for those of you who aren’t familiar with the story of Hercules (or Heracles, if you swing that way) you can read it here or just take my word for it, it’s great.
The 1983 treatment of Hercules brings a whole new gravity to the term ‘artistic license’. Starring Lou Ferrigno, a B actor and bodybuilder in his own right, this movie took Greek mythology and science fiction to all new depths of head-scratching. As I present a synopsis of the movie, please be advised that I am not making any of these things up. This is what happens in the movie, unaltered.
Hercules is found in a basket by the river. Perhaps the director was confused between Greek mythology and the Bible (no comments regarding which is more plausible), but apparently he was orphaned by the gods and sent down the river in a basket. Hera sends some snakes to kill him, but little baby Hercules catches them in his hands. Then, for no explained reason I could discern, a grown woman’s hands are seen crushing the serpents.
Hercules is found by some people who like to steal babies. He grows up, and over the years becomes the Incredible Hulk… again, for no reason I can discover. One day while collecting wood in the forest, a bear sneaks up on Hercules’ adopted dad and kills him. Enraged and inflamed with vengeance, Hercules beats the living fuck out of some poor schmo in a bear costume. He then hurls the bear into outer space (which was the style at the time), whereupon it becomes a constellation.
Meanwhile, the evil king Minos summons Daedalus, the god of science. A sidenote for those of you who aren’t mythology buffs, Daedalus was a guy who designed a lot of stuff (including the Labyrinth made famous by Theseus and the Minotaur) and the father of Icarus. Daedalus is NOT a scantily-clad chick with magical science powers. But back to the movie. Daedalus and Minos hatch a plot by which they mean to overthrow the gods, but Hercules is a threat. To stop him from achieving greatness, Daedalus sends a giant metallic moth tinker-toy to kill him. However, it gets bored and kills Hercules’ mom instead.
Hercules, upon finding his mom dead, fights the tinker-toy with a stick. Apparently in those times, wood is a great conductor of electricity. Hercules then lights his house on fire. This is a snippet from the movie.
Some guy: Hercules, why are you lighting your house on fire?
Hercules: I have no house anymore.
Well no SHIT, you just torched it! Like… couldn’t he have just locked the door? I really didn’t understand that part.
So Hercules goes to become a great warrior, and in that way somehow discover who killed his parents. OJ Simpson would use this same strategy millenia later, finding “the real killers” by golfing a lot. He goes to a kingdom and fights a lot of people in an incredibly comical fashion. At the end of the trials, he throws a log into space, destroying the planet between Earth and Mars (apparently there was one before).
Then a lot of stuff happens that is funny, but not THAT funny. Suffice it to say, he ends up getting kidnapped and marooned on the Isle of Circe the sorceress. He kills a metal dragon monster using cosmic rays (seriously, not making this up), some more stuff happens, there’s a magical amulet… some more stuff happens, Hercules and Circe end up in Africa. Circe makes him grow to super-size, whereupon he pushes the continents of Africa and Europe apart.
Some more stuff happens… I would have tried to make a more accurate synopsis but a) it would be WAY longer than this (which is already long as hell) and b) the stupidity of the movie had rendered my brain the approximate consistency of old cottage cheese.
Anyways, Hercules finds a magic chariot, and then instead of using horses to pull it, he uses a rock… you’re not the only one who finds that odd, trust me. Anyways, the rock pulls them through outer space to the island that Minos lives on… an island in space, sure.
Hercules fights a third robot monster. It kills Circe (she was getting irritating anyways, and Hercules is supposed to bang this other chick). Hercules finds out that Minos’ dastardly plan is to use the power of the Phoenix to give him super-strength and stuff. Once again, for those of you who aren’t mythology buffs, the Phoenix isn’t even Greek… it would be roughly the same as if Hercules used King Arthur’s sword to crush the Intergalactic Empire…
So yeah, magic sword fight, crazy sex scene, I had to leave the room. Sadly, most of our movie reviews will end this way, because they stink SO BAD.
But if you’re in the mood for a REALLY good laugh, check out this movie. I don’t think I have laughed this hard at a movie before. The bear scene is the best.
Posted by Crommunist @ 2:36 am |
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