Porocrom’s Crappaper

You do it every day. You get up, stumble into the kitchen, make yourself a cup of coffee, get dressed and washed up, put on your shoes and you’re off to work. Yet, in this simple succession of events, it is easy to forget the most important of all: Tying your shoelaces.

Indeed, where would you be without tying your shoelaces? Probably lying in a puddle of mud somewhere, that’s where. The secret art of shoelace tying has been passed from father to son for centuries, yet noone really knows where it all began. Until now! Striving to provide you with groundbreaking information, our team of highly specialised archaeologists, anthropologists and carpenters has uncovered a surprisingly detailed history of shoelace tying.

It appears that the notion of shoelace tying first appeared on March 13th, 1848 when Johannes Speicherstufler, a well known Dutch slaver, after having had his breakfast which his numerous slaves brought to him, got out of bed and exclaimed, “Tie my shoelaces!”. Unfortunately, at that time, shoelaces did not exist, and shoes were one-size-fits-all. Therefore, nobody knew how to tie them, resulting in the untimely death of 3,198 slaves in Speicherstufler’s possession. Speicherstufler, after realising that he had eliminated his only source of revenue in a moment (or rather, a day) of anger, sold all his assets to ensure that he could go on living in the same way as before. Immediately after the sale, he bought everything back, because how was he going to live same as before if he didn’t live same as before, duh.

This incident was promptly forgotten after the dogs ate all the slaves, and the notion of tying one’s shoelaces was also, forgotten, until an Italian man, Tonino Camirtoni, spilled pasta on his shoes while eating, but instead of picking it up and eating it, as he usually would, he sat and stared in wonder at the new form of his shoes. He immediately proceeded to decorate his shoes with string, which made them infinitely prettier and, admittedly, a bit gay. After years and years of decoration, Camirtoni’s son, John Smith (he wasn’t really Camirtoni’s son, his wife had made the beast with two backs with an English sailor, but Camirtoni was not aware of that) had the notion of actually implementing the string in the shoe, thus enabling fastening and unfastening.

It is not hard to imagine that soon after that shoelace tying would finally be implemented, but John Smith was not the brightest bulb in the shed. Indeed, he just left the shoelaces untied, which caused him to fall all over the place all day, but fascinated with his invention as he was, he did not mind. It was not until Smith got married, that his wife, Patricia Provolone, had the idea to tie John’s shoelaces so that he would stop falling around and actually get some work done around the house.

Patricia’s knot was crude and weak at first, requiring days to be untied by the wearer but coming apart only minutes after tying (you might have seen this knot design nowadays in prank stores), but she eventually perfected the technique, reaching what was known as the “Single-feathered papillon”, the ancestor of today’s “Normal papillon”.

The person who perfected Patricia’s original design was, coincidentally. her great-great-great grandson, Angus McAdams (yes, I know that’s a Scottish name, this is a blog, what did you expect, continuity?). McAdams was frustrated by the “Single-feathered papillon”, which he could never tie, so he reckoned he would double his odds and go with the “Normal papillon”. His exhilaration was great when he found that he could easily tie the new knot, and he allegedly screamed to his wife “Eh, Annie, get yer stinken arse over ‘ere”, to which she affectionately replied “Go ta ‘ell, ya lazy bum”. McAdams spread the design far and wide, and this is how it came to pass that everyone in the world now ties their shoelaces the same way.

Fellow men. I would like to alert you to a clear and present danger that threatens to destroy our very free will. I am talking about the insidious tactic of women invading our dreams and causing us to fall in love with them.

When I was younger I heard somewhere the notion that a girl prayed to God to make her get into the dream of the man she loved and make him love her back. At the time, I was like “Wtf you dumb broad, how the hell is that shit going to work?”, until I have had the very same thing happen to me. Yes, gentlemen, yesterday I dreamt of a girl and now I am in love with her. It is a most unfortunate incident.

I am sure you or a friend of yours has, at some point, fallen in love with a girl he dreamt about. I know this because two of my friends admitted it after I informed them of my predicament. At least I was lucky enough to fall in love with the hottest girl in our university (if you’re reading this, Kiki, that’s you), and not some random dog. A friend of mine, though, had the misfortune to fall in love with a girl he didn’t even like, and for a few months nonetheless! You can imagine the dismay such an incident might bring upon the subject, especially if his affections are not well-received.

It is not like us at Porocrom, though, to merely reiterate facts and stand idly by watching other people fall in the same trap. Caveat, dormitor, for your life is at stake. Our proposals are summarised here:

Legislation: You can always pressure your local congressman (I fear this only works in the U.S.) to enact a law that would prevent unauthorised access to people’s dreams by treacherous spinsters who would do anything to make a man fall in love with them. This law would not really prevent you from falling in love with women, but it would give you firm legal ground for suing the shit out of every woman who dared do it.

Stop sleeping: This is the most successful strategy. If you don’t sleep, they can’t haunt you. The catch is, though, that after a few days you will start to hallucinate, and you might fall in love with someone then. This is, however, highly unlikely. Another downside is that, generally, sleepless people tend not to perform as well in various tasks, such as knitting and sniping, so, if your line of work includes either or both, this technique might not suit you.

Get a girlfriend: This is nigh impossible to perform, for the simple reason that, hey, you’re a guy falling in love with women he dreamt of, does that sound like the kind of guy who could get a girlfriend to you? I am obviously the exception in this rule, because I do. Rule, that is. If you could do this, though, all your problems would be over, because hopefully your girlfriend would make you forget about the other woman with the ancient technique of fellatio.

Unfortunately, some of you might already be in the situation I so vividly describe. Fear not, gentle reader, for there might still be a chance for you. We have thought long and hard and we would like to propose the following:

Stalk her: The tried-and-true technique of stalking is one of the easiest and most effective techniques a man can employ. Equipped with a pair of nightvision goggles, a parabolic microphone and a hacker friend, no part of your loved one’s privacy will be left unexposed to your vigilant eye. You can optionally get a nightvision camera, if you want to savour the moments you spend together with your bride-to-be.

Confess your feelings: This one, I wouldn’t recommend. You could talk to her and tell her how you feel, but, no matter how cute this may be (in a somewhat disturbing way), it is ill-advised for two reasons. Firstly, would you want to be involved with a freak that fell in love with you in her sleep? I didn’t think so. Secondly, if you had any chance with her, you wouldn’t be wasting your life reading the putrid crap I spew, or perhaps the other way around.

Guile: If her IQ is in the single digits, you could try telling her that she is pregnant with your child, and that you would like to marry her to restore her honour. I have actually had this trick work on two occasions, but one was a vegetable and the other one was in a coma, so neither was very enthusiastic about marrying me. Or not marrying me, for that matter. Come to think of it, they were quite indifferent. I never got married to either, at any rate.

I hope this survival guide has helped you out of another difficult situation. Our next installment will feature ducks, because, as CNN.com mentions, jokes with ducks are considered particularly funny.