Disasters in Marketing
There have been some pretty astounding products invented in our time.
- The clock… an incredible synthesis of intuition and failed practical jokes: “Hey Stavros, could you look directly into the sun and tell me what time it is?” “Sure just a… WAIT A MINUTE! You can’t fool me with that trick more than 7 times!”
- The radio… what a marvel of human intuition. Using rays that nobody can even see, we are able to harness the power of the cosmos itself to be able to listen to crappy offensive morning shows.
- The clock radio… just when you thought the radio couldn’t get ANY BETTER, they added a clock!
But the product we are concerned with today surpasses all previous forays into human invention. This is the perfect marriage of the psychology of human nature and the chemistry of human betterment. Oh yes beer fans, I’m talking about the revolution in brewmastery, MOSLON KICK.
If you are not familiar with this particular product, Kick is a beer inspired by the Drew Carey Show’s ‘Buzz beer’. It contains “a natural source of caffeine”, which is to be contrasted with the multitude of artificial sources that people are getting into like eating rocks or injecting ferret semen. But the marketing geniuses at Molson decided that there was one thing that drunk people really need, and that’s a hyper boost of energy.
Executive: All right guys, we’re down in the market share. We need to come up with a bold, decisive product that will blow the entire beer-making industry on its ass.
Marketing guy #1: How about a beer that makes you drunk faster? Like… a SUPER-beer.
Executive: Malt liquor?
#1: YES! Oh… wait… nevermind.
Marketing guy #2: What if we vitaminize our products so as to halt the progression of serious liver and tissue damage caused by years of chronic alcohol abuse?
Executive: Healthy beer? What a great idea! Okay, go outside, wait 5 minutes, then burst through the door at full speed and say “I’VE GOT IT!”
#2: (Looking confused) Why?
Executive: C’mon, it’ll be fun!
#2: Okay… (Leaves room)
(Executive stands up, locks the door and props a chair against the knob)
Executive: Okay, anyone have any SERIOUS ideas? (Everyone thinks)
Marketing guy #3: If only there was some way to get people addicted to beer more than they are already.
#1: Yeah, and to ensure that people start to weed themselves out at the same time so we don’t have to do any long-term studies on the health effects.
#3: What can we add to beer to make people both addicted AND stupid enough to do ridiculous dangerous shit?
All 3 at once: CAFFEINE!
(A loud thud is heard from the door)
The human brain is a marvelous organ, especially when it comes to self-preservation. Your brain KNOWS when you’ve had too much to drink, and it makes you too tired to actually act out any of the ridiuclous plans you come up with when you’re drunk, like trying to fight a skinhead or an entire university for that matter. But, after you get a few KICK into your system, all of a sudden you’re abounding with energy and the wherewithal to commit acts that will ensure you a hallowed spot in the Darwin Awards.
On a more serious note, there are idiots out there who will SWEAR that a cup of coffee will sober you up enough to drive. These are the same geniuses who will think “I’ve had a 24 of Kick, so therefore I have enough caffeine in my system to ensure that my driving will be STELLAR.”
In a continued attempt to protect our readers, we at Porocrom are releasing a new product: POROCROM SNOOZIN’ BOOZIN’ Beer. It’s a clever combination of beer and sleeping pills. After a couple of these babies, you’re guaranteed not to do anything stupid… except maybe choke on your own tongue…
- The clock… an incredible synthesis of intuition and failed practical jokes: “Hey Stavros, could you look directly into the sun and tell me what time it is?” “Sure just a… WAIT A MINUTE! You can’t fool me with that trick more than 7 times!”
- The radio… what a marvel of human intuition. Using rays that nobody can even see, we are able to harness the power of the cosmos itself to be able to listen to crappy offensive morning shows.
- The clock radio… just when you thought the radio couldn’t get ANY BETTER, they added a clock!
But the product we are concerned with today surpasses all previous forays into human invention. This is the perfect marriage of the psychology of human nature and the chemistry of human betterment. Oh yes beer fans, I’m talking about the revolution in brewmastery, MOSLON KICK.
If you are not familiar with this particular product, Kick is a beer inspired by the Drew Carey Show’s ‘Buzz beer’. It contains “a natural source of caffeine”, which is to be contrasted with the multitude of artificial sources that people are getting into like eating rocks or injecting ferret semen. But the marketing geniuses at Molson decided that there was one thing that drunk people really need, and that’s a hyper boost of energy.
Executive: All right guys, we’re down in the market share. We need to come up with a bold, decisive product that will blow the entire beer-making industry on its ass.
Marketing guy #1: How about a beer that makes you drunk faster? Like… a SUPER-beer.
Executive: Malt liquor?
#1: YES! Oh… wait… nevermind.
Marketing guy #2: What if we vitaminize our products so as to halt the progression of serious liver and tissue damage caused by years of chronic alcohol abuse?
Executive: Healthy beer? What a great idea! Okay, go outside, wait 5 minutes, then burst through the door at full speed and say “I’VE GOT IT!”
#2: (Looking confused) Why?
Executive: C’mon, it’ll be fun!
#2: Okay… (Leaves room)
(Executive stands up, locks the door and props a chair against the knob)
Executive: Okay, anyone have any SERIOUS ideas? (Everyone thinks)
Marketing guy #3: If only there was some way to get people addicted to beer more than they are already.
#1: Yeah, and to ensure that people start to weed themselves out at the same time so we don’t have to do any long-term studies on the health effects.
#3: What can we add to beer to make people both addicted AND stupid enough to do ridiculous dangerous shit?
All 3 at once: CAFFEINE!
(A loud thud is heard from the door)
The human brain is a marvelous organ, especially when it comes to self-preservation. Your brain KNOWS when you’ve had too much to drink, and it makes you too tired to actually act out any of the ridiuclous plans you come up with when you’re drunk, like trying to fight a skinhead or an entire university for that matter. But, after you get a few KICK into your system, all of a sudden you’re abounding with energy and the wherewithal to commit acts that will ensure you a hallowed spot in the Darwin Awards.
On a more serious note, there are idiots out there who will SWEAR that a cup of coffee will sober you up enough to drive. These are the same geniuses who will think “I’ve had a 24 of Kick, so therefore I have enough caffeine in my system to ensure that my driving will be STELLAR.”
In a continued attempt to protect our readers, we at Porocrom are releasing a new product: POROCROM SNOOZIN’ BOOZIN’ Beer. It’s a clever combination of beer and sleeping pills. After a couple of these babies, you’re guaranteed not to do anything stupid… except maybe choke on your own tongue…
Posted by Crommunist @ 4:13 pm
Over the past several months, I’ve read stories on how caffeinated beer is the beginning to the end of the universe… America’s social fabric has completely broken down… we’ll be seeing addicts everywhere, the potent mix of beer and caffeine will be fatal…
It’s gotten such a bad rep, I’d like clarify a few misconceptions here:
You ask any Brazilian about mixing alcohol and caffeine, they would shrug their shoulders as if it’s nothing new. “Capeta” is a very well known traditional Brazilian cocktail that’s mixes vodka and caffeine (that’s right, I said vodka and caffeine!). In this case, the source of caffeine comes from ‘guarana’, same as the caffeinated beers that are out there. ‘Guarana’ is an indigenous Brazilian shrub that can contain 3~4 times more caffeine than coffee. However, unlike coffee, the source of caffeine in guarana is released slowly, so you don’t feel the “surge” that comes with drinking coffee.
I’m a Brazilian native who’s lived there for over twenty years. During the time that was there, I’ve never heard of anyone being addicted to “capeta”, nor was there any rehab center exclusively for “capeta” drinkers. Not to mention that the alchohol concentration in vodka is at least 5 times that of beer… yet no one I know has died by taking a shot of the cocktail, nor have they tried to use it as a means of committing suicide. Of course, any fool who drinks alcohol excessively or mixes drinking with driving will inevitably meet an undesirable fate, but that should not be singled out to the beer/guarana mix. In fact, guarana soft drinks are very popular in Brazil, even more so than cola. We Brazilians, do not see guarana as an addictive substance.
To those of you who are freaking out over this caffeinated beer business, I suggest you need to do more international travel and see what’s out there… after all, there IS life outside America.
Adding insult to the injury, here’s the recipe for “capeta”:
1 to 1.5 tablespoon sweetened condensed milk
1 teaspoon honey
1 teaspoon guarana powder
1 shot of vodka (or “cachaca”, the Brazilian sugar cane alchohol)
ice
pinch of cinnammon
Mix all the ingredients, pour over ice and sprinkle w/ cinammon.
Enjoy!!!
Comment on July 3, 2005 @ 5:46 pm
Well if the finest scientific minds in Brazil don’t think that caffeine is an addictive substance, who are the scientists and researchers in North America and Europe to disagree? I mean, it’s not as if they did empirical STUDIES or anything like that… oh wait… yes they did.
Also, nobody said it was the end of the world. All I said was that in this market, where people consume way too much in the first place, it is a step in the wrong direction.
I know it’s tough to read when you haven’t slept in 6 years because you’re “not addicted to caffeine”.
I can stop pwning people whenever I want… I just choose not to!
Comment on July 5, 2005 @ 1:23 pm