Porocrom’s Crappaper

Cults. They are everywhere. People follow greasy, smelly individuals and worship them as Gods. How can this be? We at Porocrom have prepared a special guide for you, the amateur cult founder. Following these simple guidelines, you too can have your very own cult in only a few days¹.

First and foremost, you need to find a Catchy Concept for your cult. This is the basis upon all else will be built. The power of the self? A supreme being? Aliens? You? What will be the factor that sets your cult apart from others? We at Porocrom suggest you use something ubiquitous, but very hard to understand (Good example: The theory of relativity. Bad example: Women. You could lose half your customers if you based it on women).

Next, the mandatory Promise of Well-being. Nobody will join a cult that promises to make them slaves, they all want happiness/lots of sex. This is as important to your success as the first point. The Promise will make people want to join you, and the Catchy Concept will make them want to stay. This will attract many many desperate people. If you want to attract rich, influential people, the Promise should be one of power and profit. It’s all about choices. Do you want to become rich and influential, or have an army of people who will obey your every whim? It’s up to you. By the way, if you choose the former, make sure you charge A LOT for admission, and make sure you have prepared fancy rituals in manors (think Eyes Wide Shut).

In our experience, the more successful cults are the ones who have the most loyal following (i.e. who brainwash people enough to make them obey blindly). Make sure the spiritual aspects of your cult are airtight. Add some safeguards such as “I am omniscient and I have a plan you can’t know“ whenever you can’t explain something, or “Trust me, I know what I’m doing“ whenever you are about to make them do something very stupid. Also, make it impossible to refute any of your principal truths by adding circular logic in it, for example “Whatever I say is true, because I always speak the truth“ (i.e. “Whatever I say is true because whatever I say is true“) or “I am the Supreme Being and you must worship me, and you know this is true because the Supreme Being does not lie“. Jumble things enough so that the less intelligent of your followers won’t be able to make sense, and the more intelligent will be too ashamed to challenge you. If all your followers are clever (for example if you chose Cult Type 2), you should abandon the spiritual aspect of your cult altogether (or make it vague and thinly veiled) and focus on the power, riches and amusement you will give them instead. Also, with Type 2, you must make it a secret cult, because what good is a cult of rich people when everyone knows who they are? Make sure you add initiation ceremonies and lifetime membership. Also, if someone tries to leave, make sure they meet with an “unfortunate accident” a few weeks later. This way you will keep your followers both satisfied and afraid.

If all goes according to plan, you should be well on your way to having a faithful following by now. You must also beware of the caveats though. For example, if you tell your people that you are the representative of your Supreme Being on earth, don’t forget to invent a Supreme Being, or some people might not believe it. Consequently, if you tell them you are the Supreme Being, make sure you have some superpowers to show them (card tricks work well). Also, if you chose the el-cheapo cult type, make sure you provide for your people, because they sure as hell ain’t gonna have enough money to do it themselves. You could raise enough money to do that by asking them to give you everything they have and then cutting down on costs by making them wear white unisex cotton robes and live on bread, water and vitamins. Be creative. If you choose the lavish cult type you must provide your members with enough amusement that they don’t get bored, say “fuck this cult” and leave. The upside, though, is that you will have more than enough money to do it. If you lack imagination you’d better go with the el-cheapo cult.

One of the most important questions after you have gathered a following of a few thousand people is “What do I do with them?“. There are plenty of choices there. Some people choose to commit mass suicide, but this has several disadvantages, the main of which is that you, well, die. By the way, if you have promised your members post-mortem well-being, make sure you also tell them that they won’t achieve it by committing suicide, otherwise you will see their numbers decrease very quickly. Appropriate excuses for this are “The more you serve me, the more chances you will have of a promotion in the afterlife“ and “Don’t cheat by killing yourself, or you won’t go to the [insert favorite pasture here]“. If you are careful to follow these guidelines, your cult will live a long and happy life.

To answer my previous question, you could have your followers work in their day jobs and give you all their money (which will probably all go towards their food/shelter), and have the most useless of them work in the house/field/cave you have set up as your domain. You could also have a harem of the most attractive members of the opposite sex (or, hey, even same sex, whatever flies your flag, we’re not judging). If your clientele is the influential type, you could have them make you president of a small country or introduce you to all the hot actresses/singers/what have you. The possibilities are endless.

This concludes today’s Howto, we wish you good luck with your endeavour. Of course, when you make it big, you will remember your old friends here at Porocrom, won’t you?

¹ Results may vary

Every once in a while, something happens to give me faith in humankind. Maybe we are not hell-bent on being the destroyers of the world that gives us life. Perhaps we have grown more intelligent as a species and culture. Perhaps there is hope for us all.

Then I open my MSN.

It is (largely) as though Microsoft hung a big shingle that says “All stupid people please apply”. Now I could (and sometimes do) talk at length about each individual idiocy that crosses my path while I am trying to stay in touch with people, but in the interest of saving my fingers for yo momma, I will try to keep this brief.

1) People who use internet slang

Now I will admit I am guilty of tossing the occasional ‘BRB’ or ‘Hehe’ or even shudder EMOTES, but that is all in good fun. I am talking about the people that CANNOT finish a sentence without ‘lol’, and who say things like ‘u r funie’.

With the exception of Dr. Hibbert or a mentally disturbed person, NOBODY laughs at the end of every sentence. I don’t mind ‘lol’ so much, especially if the person is actually laughing out loud. I’m funny, but I’m not THAT funny. If you are typing ‘lol’ after every sentence, you HAVE A PROBLEM. Also, ‘lol’ is NOT an adequate response to a statement. For example:

Me: So yeah, I was at Bomber yesterday

You: lol – yah i didnt go becuz i lokked myself in my howse cuz i r dum

Me: That’s too bad

You: lol

Me: (Sitting there waiting for a response)

You: (Choking to death because you are too stupid to remember to breathe out)

In the future, people who use ‘u’ and ‘r’ instead of ‘you’ and ‘are’ will be hunted down and brutally beaten. They will be skinned and their tanned hides will used to print posters warning against the dangers of extreme idiocy. For the time being, I must resort to begging. PLEASE people… the English language has a proud and noble heritage. Some of the greatest things ever written were written in English. I’m on my proverbial knees here. Using letters instead of words does not make you look cute, or cool, or anything except childish and illiterate. Millions of dollars of tax money goes to making sure people learn how to write properly. Make the best of them.


2) People who cannot read

Every Wednesday I like to make a religious pilgrimage to a holy site about an hour west of my home in Brampton. It is a place that has deep spiritual meaning to me. I call it The Bomber. Before departing, I change my MSN name to ‘going to Bomber’ or some such. I do this in the futile hope that people will READ my name and not expect me to answer. And yet, every Wednesday without fail I get messages like:

Stupidguy_1337_superdork@hotmail.com says:
Hi Ian.
Ian?
Are you there?
IAN!
ANSWER ME!
OMFG PING!
I am calling the ambulance if you do not answer within 5 seconds
PING!!!

It is beyond me how people who can WRITE English cannot read it. What is more odd is that they HAVE to read my name in order to send me a message.


3) Random additions

Why do people I don’t know add me to their MSN? I will accept most authorization requests, since I am generally a friendly guy. What I don’t understand is what kind of person adds my e-mail to their contact list just on a whim. A few days ago I received a request for authorization from ‘laurabbstupiddumbass_58839294@hotmail.com’. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi, who is this?
Her: This is Laura bb
Me: Thanks, genius. That much I could have figured out from your e-mail address. Where do I know you from?
Her: Did you go to (name of school I’ve never heard of)?
Me: No, you have the wrong address, sorry
Her: Well you must have sent me an e-mail or something because I copied this address
Me: Well seeing as I have no idea who you are, and that you added ME, it seems highly unlikely that I would e-mail you.

First off, if your e-mail address, tag line, etc. contains your first name, or even your first and LAST name, assume that I can read it. When I ask you who you are I am not asking you what your name is. I am asking you why you added me.


I must confess something to you all. If you are reading this and you haven’t spoken to me in 3 months, or I haven’t messaged you in said period of time, you are probably deleted from my list. It is not out of malice, I haven’t blocked you, I just try to cut down on the number of login/out notifications that appear on my screen. So if you decide to send me a random message and your name isn’t in your e-mail address, please do us both the courtesy of telling me who it is.

I realize this isn’t a very funny post, but it is a topic that brings me much aggravation. Okay, next one will be hilarious, I promise.

The Nobel prizes. The Oscars of the intellectual world. The most illustrious ceremony since Moses parted the seas. The ultimate prize someone can get. The biggest fallacy since the female orgasm.

Yes, that’s right. The Nobel prizes are FAKE. Big, fat fakers, all of them. We at Porocrom bring you another startling discovery, with concrete proof which we shall show you momentarily (and by momentarily I don’t mean in a moment, I mean for a moment, because actually I made them up). The Nobel peace prizes are actually a fictitious scheme instigated by Alfred Nobel to deceive everyone apart from a few important people and to make those people feel better about themselves.

Think about it. When have you ever seen a Nobel prize ceremony take place, or heard of anyone actually receive one? Sure, you have heard about people being Nobel prize winners, but it is not clear when they received it. Whereas the Oscars, while much inferior, attract everyone’s attention and are accompanied by media frenzy each year. One would think that the Nobel peace prize ceremony would cause the scientific/literary/whatever community to foam at the mouth and babble incomprehensible words, but no. Nothing! Therefore, I am forced to believe that it is fictitious.

In light of this new discovery, and since it logically follows that the Nobel prize winners have not actually ever won any prizes, I proclaim myself a Nobel physics prize winner for my discovery of the amazing power of shit, and my good friend Crommunist a Nobel literature prize winner for this amazing piece. I shall now stop writing because A) A Nobel physics prize winner can’t just write whatever crap he thinks of and 2) I must shit. Also, some people have complained that my posts end too abruptly. No they don’t.

So I’m back in Brampton for the summer, which means I have access to two things I don’t know how I live without: 1) The newspaper 2) My dad’s car (the mean green machine). Reading the newspaper and driving around has brought to my attention two startling facts.

1) Police brutality and road rage are on the rise
2) The average person does not know how to drive.

So I put on my problem-solving-cap (a.k.a. my blue AHS visor) and tried to puzzle out a way to solve these two problems simultaneously in a hilarious and violent manner. I realized quickly that these two problems share a single root cause: idiots.

Now when I say idiots I do not refer to people with legitimate developmental difficulties, or the guy who struggles to graduate high school and works hard at a job to support his family. Heaven forbid, these people deserve a place in our society. I refer to the caliber of person who buys a red-hot latte, perches it on his dashboard, then tries to run through a red light, spills hot coffee on his lap and sues the company that sold it to him. I refer to the guy who brings 17 items into the 16-items-or-less line at the grocery store. The dumb woman who lets her 6 year-old scream in your ear on the 7-hour flight because she wants to ‘encourage his creativity’. IDIOTS!

Therefore, Porocrom is presenting before the Parliament a new bill that would reduce road rage, curb police brutality, solve traffic problems, and increase the overall intelligence of the populace.


POROCROM TRAFFIC BILL

This bill is designed to increase the powers of the average civilian to punish the common-sensically challenged (referred heretoward as ‘idiot(s)’). This shall be done through various means, up to and including mild-severe corporal punishment (fucking their shit up). The circumstances involved in this bill are listed below.

1. Not signaling a lane change

In addition to the traffic ticket distributed by officers of the law, the citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to swerve very close to the idiot and administer constructive criticism in the form of hand gestures (the finger).

2. Leaving your signal on after changing lanes

The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to drive in front of the idiot and slow down, forcing them to make a lane change and cancel their signal. If the person is over the age of 65, the finger may not be used.

3. Slowing down at an intersection when the light is green and there is no reason to slow down.

Some people think that the little flashing hand on the walk signal means they need to slow down in their cars. If the light is green, you go. Very simple.

The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted power to follow the idiot home and spraypaint ‘IDIOT’ on the idiot’s car, warning all other drivers in the area that they are in the presence of an idiot. Autobody shops removing this IDIOT tag will be severely fined.

4. Merging into the highway at 80 km/h or less

The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to wait until the next highway merge and force the idiot’s car to exit the highway. If such an opportunity is not likely to arise, the citizen may force the idiot’s car into a rail, a light-post or preferably another idiot’s car.

5. Slow driving due to eating/cell phone/road head in any lane except the rightmost lane.

If you cannot talk/eat/live-by-the-book and drive at a normal pace, you should not do these things while in a car PERIOD. However, if you choose to do these and drive in the passing lane, you’re an idiot.

Any citizen witnessing this transgression will be granted the following powers.
a) in the event of food – the citizen may stick a banana in the tail-pipe of the idiot
b) in the even of cell phone – the citizen may fuck up the idiot’s shit with a phone book
c) in the event of road head – the citizen may take pictures (taking care not to drive slowly themselves) and post them on a website to be set up by the government.

6. Playing loud obnoxious music with the windows down at a stop-light

The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted the power to spraypaint “small penis” on the hood of the idiot’s car. Should a car thus tagged be observed blaring loud music once again, the citizen witnessing may fuck the idiot’s shit up with a tuba.

7. Driving slow in the left lane

Please note: the left lane is NOT the fast lane. The left lane is the PASSING lane. If you are not PASSING anyone, you really shouldn’t be in that lane. If you think you are going fast, and there are cars behind you and not beside you, you are not fast, you are an idiot.

‘Slow’ shall be defined as
a) slower than the traffic behind the car
b) less than 5 km faster than the cars in the next lane.

The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted power to drive right behind the idiot’s car and lean on the horn. If the person does not immediately change lanes, the citizen may ram the idiot from behind until they do change, then sideswipe the S.O.B. for good measure. Bonus points will be awarded if they spin out.

If such a transgression is witnessed late at night, the citizen shall be granted the right to shut off their lights, drive up right behind the idiot, then blaze the high beams, blinding the idiot and forcing them to pull off the road. The citizen may then also pull over under the guise of an apology, then fuck the idiot’s shit up.


8. Speeding in a school zone

Any citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted the power to pelt the idiot’s car with Ziplock bags filled with veal chops and Yu-Gi-Oh cards (to simulate hitting a group of little children). When the idiot gets out of the car to investigate, the citizen may fuck his/her shit up with a tee-ball-bat.

9. Slowing down to look at an accident

Any idiot caught committing this transgression will be immediately bound with rope and lashed severely with reeds. The idiot shall then be hanged by the neck from an overpass, as a lure to catch other potential idiots who slow down to see why some idiot is hanging from an overpass.

Note that slowing down to AVOID an accident is not subject to this punishment.


We hope that these measures will reduce police brutality by making it legal to beat the shit out of someone who so richly deserves it. It shall reduce the rate of traffic problems because seriously, nobody’s really afraid of a ticket, but nobody wants to get the bejeezus beat out of them with a tuba. It will also increase the average intelligence of the population by enforcing a kind of natural selection to cull the herd. Please lobby your member of parliament to push this bill through.