Performing a public service
So I’m back in Brampton for the summer, which means I have access to two things I don’t know how I live without: 1) The newspaper 2) My dad’s car (the mean green machine). Reading the newspaper and driving around has brought to my attention two startling facts.
1) Police brutality and road rage are on the rise
2) The average person does not know how to drive.
So I put on my problem-solving-cap (a.k.a. my blue AHS visor) and tried to puzzle out a way to solve these two problems simultaneously in a hilarious and violent manner. I realized quickly that these two problems share a single root cause: idiots.
Now when I say idiots I do not refer to people with legitimate developmental difficulties, or the guy who struggles to graduate high school and works hard at a job to support his family. Heaven forbid, these people deserve a place in our society. I refer to the caliber of person who buys a red-hot latte, perches it on his dashboard, then tries to run through a red light, spills hot coffee on his lap and sues the company that sold it to him. I refer to the guy who brings 17 items into the 16-items-or-less line at the grocery store. The dumb woman who lets her 6 year-old scream in your ear on the 7-hour flight because she wants to ‘encourage his creativity’. IDIOTS!
Therefore, Porocrom is presenting before the Parliament a new bill that would reduce road rage, curb police brutality, solve traffic problems, and increase the overall intelligence of the populace.
POROCROM TRAFFIC BILL
This bill is designed to increase the powers of the average civilian to punish the common-sensically challenged (referred heretoward as ‘idiot(s)’). This shall be done through various means, up to and including mild-severe corporal punishment (fucking their shit up). The circumstances involved in this bill are listed below.
1. Not signaling a lane change
In addition to the traffic ticket distributed by officers of the law, the citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to swerve very close to the idiot and administer constructive criticism in the form of hand gestures (the finger).
2. Leaving your signal on after changing lanes
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to drive in front of the idiot and slow down, forcing them to make a lane change and cancel their signal. If the person is over the age of 65, the finger may not be used.
3. Slowing down at an intersection when the light is green and there is no reason to slow down.
Some people think that the little flashing hand on the walk signal means they need to slow down in their cars. If the light is green, you go. Very simple.
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted power to follow the idiot home and spraypaint ‘IDIOT’ on the idiot’s car, warning all other drivers in the area that they are in the presence of an idiot. Autobody shops removing this IDIOT tag will be severely fined.
4. Merging into the highway at 80 km/h or less
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to wait until the next highway merge and force the idiot’s car to exit the highway. If such an opportunity is not likely to arise, the citizen may force the idiot’s car into a rail, a light-post or preferably another idiot’s car.
5. Slow driving due to eating/cell phone/road head in any lane except the rightmost lane.
If you cannot talk/eat/live-by-the-book and drive at a normal pace, you should not do these things while in a car PERIOD. However, if you choose to do these and drive in the passing lane, you’re an idiot.
Any citizen witnessing this transgression will be granted the following powers.
a) in the event of food – the citizen may stick a banana in the tail-pipe of the idiot
b) in the even of cell phone – the citizen may fuck up the idiot’s shit with a phone book
c) in the event of road head – the citizen may take pictures (taking care not to drive slowly themselves) and post them on a website to be set up by the government.
6. Playing loud obnoxious music with the windows down at a stop-light
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted the power to spraypaint “small penis” on the hood of the idiot’s car. Should a car thus tagged be observed blaring loud music once again, the citizen witnessing may fuck the idiot’s shit up with a tuba.
7. Driving slow in the left lane
Please note: the left lane is NOT the fast lane. The left lane is the PASSING lane. If you are not PASSING anyone, you really shouldn’t be in that lane. If you think you are going fast, and there are cars behind you and not beside you, you are not fast, you are an idiot.
‘Slow’ shall be defined as
a) slower than the traffic behind the car
b) less than 5 km faster than the cars in the next lane.
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted power to drive right behind the idiot’s car and lean on the horn. If the person does not immediately change lanes, the citizen may ram the idiot from behind until they do change, then sideswipe the S.O.B. for good measure. Bonus points will be awarded if they spin out.
If such a transgression is witnessed late at night, the citizen shall be granted the right to shut off their lights, drive up right behind the idiot, then blaze the high beams, blinding the idiot and forcing them to pull off the road. The citizen may then also pull over under the guise of an apology, then fuck the idiot’s shit up.
8. Speeding in a school zone
Any citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted the power to pelt the idiot’s car with Ziplock bags filled with veal chops and Yu-Gi-Oh cards (to simulate hitting a group of little children). When the idiot gets out of the car to investigate, the citizen may fuck his/her shit up with a tee-ball-bat.
9. Slowing down to look at an accident
Any idiot caught committing this transgression will be immediately bound with rope and lashed severely with reeds. The idiot shall then be hanged by the neck from an overpass, as a lure to catch other potential idiots who slow down to see why some idiot is hanging from an overpass.
Note that slowing down to AVOID an accident is not subject to this punishment.
We hope that these measures will reduce police brutality by making it legal to beat the shit out of someone who so richly deserves it. It shall reduce the rate of traffic problems because seriously, nobody’s really afraid of a ticket, but nobody wants to get the bejeezus beat out of them with a tuba. It will also increase the average intelligence of the population by enforcing a kind of natural selection to cull the herd. Please lobby your member of parliament to push this bill through.
1) Police brutality and road rage are on the rise
2) The average person does not know how to drive.
So I put on my problem-solving-cap (a.k.a. my blue AHS visor) and tried to puzzle out a way to solve these two problems simultaneously in a hilarious and violent manner. I realized quickly that these two problems share a single root cause: idiots.
Now when I say idiots I do not refer to people with legitimate developmental difficulties, or the guy who struggles to graduate high school and works hard at a job to support his family. Heaven forbid, these people deserve a place in our society. I refer to the caliber of person who buys a red-hot latte, perches it on his dashboard, then tries to run through a red light, spills hot coffee on his lap and sues the company that sold it to him. I refer to the guy who brings 17 items into the 16-items-or-less line at the grocery store. The dumb woman who lets her 6 year-old scream in your ear on the 7-hour flight because she wants to ‘encourage his creativity’. IDIOTS!
Therefore, Porocrom is presenting before the Parliament a new bill that would reduce road rage, curb police brutality, solve traffic problems, and increase the overall intelligence of the populace.
POROCROM TRAFFIC BILL
This bill is designed to increase the powers of the average civilian to punish the common-sensically challenged (referred heretoward as ‘idiot(s)’). This shall be done through various means, up to and including mild-severe corporal punishment (fucking their shit up). The circumstances involved in this bill are listed below.
1. Not signaling a lane change
In addition to the traffic ticket distributed by officers of the law, the citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to swerve very close to the idiot and administer constructive criticism in the form of hand gestures (the finger).
2. Leaving your signal on after changing lanes
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to drive in front of the idiot and slow down, forcing them to make a lane change and cancel their signal. If the person is over the age of 65, the finger may not be used.
3. Slowing down at an intersection when the light is green and there is no reason to slow down.
Some people think that the little flashing hand on the walk signal means they need to slow down in their cars. If the light is green, you go. Very simple.
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted power to follow the idiot home and spraypaint ‘IDIOT’ on the idiot’s car, warning all other drivers in the area that they are in the presence of an idiot. Autobody shops removing this IDIOT tag will be severely fined.
4. Merging into the highway at 80 km/h or less
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted powers to wait until the next highway merge and force the idiot’s car to exit the highway. If such an opportunity is not likely to arise, the citizen may force the idiot’s car into a rail, a light-post or preferably another idiot’s car.
5. Slow driving due to eating/cell phone/road head in any lane except the rightmost lane.
If you cannot talk/eat/live-by-the-book and drive at a normal pace, you should not do these things while in a car PERIOD. However, if you choose to do these and drive in the passing lane, you’re an idiot.
Any citizen witnessing this transgression will be granted the following powers.
a) in the event of food – the citizen may stick a banana in the tail-pipe of the idiot
b) in the even of cell phone – the citizen may fuck up the idiot’s shit with a phone book
c) in the event of road head – the citizen may take pictures (taking care not to drive slowly themselves) and post them on a website to be set up by the government.
6. Playing loud obnoxious music with the windows down at a stop-light
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted the power to spraypaint “small penis” on the hood of the idiot’s car. Should a car thus tagged be observed blaring loud music once again, the citizen witnessing may fuck the idiot’s shit up with a tuba.
7. Driving slow in the left lane
Please note: the left lane is NOT the fast lane. The left lane is the PASSING lane. If you are not PASSING anyone, you really shouldn’t be in that lane. If you think you are going fast, and there are cars behind you and not beside you, you are not fast, you are an idiot.
‘Slow’ shall be defined as
a) slower than the traffic behind the car
b) less than 5 km faster than the cars in the next lane.
The citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted power to drive right behind the idiot’s car and lean on the horn. If the person does not immediately change lanes, the citizen may ram the idiot from behind until they do change, then sideswipe the S.O.B. for good measure. Bonus points will be awarded if they spin out.
If such a transgression is witnessed late at night, the citizen shall be granted the right to shut off their lights, drive up right behind the idiot, then blaze the high beams, blinding the idiot and forcing them to pull off the road. The citizen may then also pull over under the guise of an apology, then fuck the idiot’s shit up.
8. Speeding in a school zone
Any citizen witnessing such a transgression shall be granted the power to pelt the idiot’s car with Ziplock bags filled with veal chops and Yu-Gi-Oh cards (to simulate hitting a group of little children). When the idiot gets out of the car to investigate, the citizen may fuck his/her shit up with a tee-ball-bat.
9. Slowing down to look at an accident
Any idiot caught committing this transgression will be immediately bound with rope and lashed severely with reeds. The idiot shall then be hanged by the neck from an overpass, as a lure to catch other potential idiots who slow down to see why some idiot is hanging from an overpass.
Note that slowing down to AVOID an accident is not subject to this punishment.
We hope that these measures will reduce police brutality by making it legal to beat the shit out of someone who so richly deserves it. It shall reduce the rate of traffic problems because seriously, nobody’s really afraid of a ticket, but nobody wants to get the bejeezus beat out of them with a tuba. It will also increase the average intelligence of the population by enforcing a kind of natural selection to cull the herd. Please lobby your member of parliament to push this bill through.
Posted by Crommunist @ 6:39 am
its soooooooooooooooooooooo true. in some cases!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
every1 likes to look at accidents but people who slow down to rubber neck r gonna cause accidents themselves!!!
Comment on September 22, 2006 @ 7:30 am
helloooooo grey!!!!!!!! how is u?
Comment on September 22, 2006 @ 7:31 am