Every once in a while, something happens to give me faith in humankind. Maybe we are not hell-bent on being the destroyers of the world that gives us life. Perhaps we have grown more intelligent as a species and culture. Perhaps there is hope for us all.

Then I open my MSN.

It is (largely) as though Microsoft hung a big shingle that says “All stupid people please apply”. Now I could (and sometimes do) talk at length about each individual idiocy that crosses my path while I am trying to stay in touch with people, but in the interest of saving my fingers for yo momma, I will try to keep this brief.

1) People who use internet slang

Now I will admit I am guilty of tossing the occasional ‘BRB’ or ‘Hehe’ or even shudder EMOTES, but that is all in good fun. I am talking about the people that CANNOT finish a sentence without ‘lol’, and who say things like ‘u r funie’.

With the exception of Dr. Hibbert or a mentally disturbed person, NOBODY laughs at the end of every sentence. I don’t mind ‘lol’ so much, especially if the person is actually laughing out loud. I’m funny, but I’m not THAT funny. If you are typing ‘lol’ after every sentence, you HAVE A PROBLEM. Also, ‘lol’ is NOT an adequate response to a statement. For example:

Me: So yeah, I was at Bomber yesterday

You: lol – yah i didnt go becuz i lokked myself in my howse cuz i r dum

Me: That’s too bad

You: lol

Me: (Sitting there waiting for a response)

You: (Choking to death because you are too stupid to remember to breathe out)

In the future, people who use ‘u’ and ‘r’ instead of ‘you’ and ‘are’ will be hunted down and brutally beaten. They will be skinned and their tanned hides will used to print posters warning against the dangers of extreme idiocy. For the time being, I must resort to begging. PLEASE people… the English language has a proud and noble heritage. Some of the greatest things ever written were written in English. I’m on my proverbial knees here. Using letters instead of words does not make you look cute, or cool, or anything except childish and illiterate. Millions of dollars of tax money goes to making sure people learn how to write properly. Make the best of them.


2) People who cannot read

Every Wednesday I like to make a religious pilgrimage to a holy site about an hour west of my home in Brampton. It is a place that has deep spiritual meaning to me. I call it The Bomber. Before departing, I change my MSN name to ‘going to Bomber’ or some such. I do this in the futile hope that people will READ my name and not expect me to answer. And yet, every Wednesday without fail I get messages like:

Stupidguy_1337_superdork@hotmail.com says:
Hi Ian.
Ian?
Are you there?
IAN!
ANSWER ME!
OMFG PING!
I am calling the ambulance if you do not answer within 5 seconds
PING!!!

It is beyond me how people who can WRITE English cannot read it. What is more odd is that they HAVE to read my name in order to send me a message.


3) Random additions

Why do people I don’t know add me to their MSN? I will accept most authorization requests, since I am generally a friendly guy. What I don’t understand is what kind of person adds my e-mail to their contact list just on a whim. A few days ago I received a request for authorization from ‘laurabbstupiddumbass_58839294@hotmail.com’. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi, who is this?
Her: This is Laura bb
Me: Thanks, genius. That much I could have figured out from your e-mail address. Where do I know you from?
Her: Did you go to (name of school I’ve never heard of)?
Me: No, you have the wrong address, sorry
Her: Well you must have sent me an e-mail or something because I copied this address
Me: Well seeing as I have no idea who you are, and that you added ME, it seems highly unlikely that I would e-mail you.

First off, if your e-mail address, tag line, etc. contains your first name, or even your first and LAST name, assume that I can read it. When I ask you who you are I am not asking you what your name is. I am asking you why you added me.


I must confess something to you all. If you are reading this and you haven’t spoken to me in 3 months, or I haven’t messaged you in said period of time, you are probably deleted from my list. It is not out of malice, I haven’t blocked you, I just try to cut down on the number of login/out notifications that appear on my screen. So if you decide to send me a random message and your name isn’t in your e-mail address, please do us both the courtesy of telling me who it is.

I realize this isn’t a very funny post, but it is a topic that brings me much aggravation. Okay, next one will be hilarious, I promise.