Today, as I was journeying deep in the vast jungle that is the Intarweb, I came upon a site called Date me, Natalie!. It is about a guy who attempts to get Natalie Portman to date him through word-of-mouth and clever internet marketing. Seeing as how this blog already has reached fifteen billion people (don’t believe the counter on the side over there, it’s lying) in the known universe, I decided to make my plea to Kate Beckinsale public. Date me, Kate!


Much like the Natalie Portman guy, I also have seen you and I think we are compatible. It is not anything romantic or anything, because I know you are married and have a daughter, but I wouldn’t object to hot, sweaty sex either. I just know that we have much in common, because I know you very well from all those parts you played, which are totally how you are in reality, and not at all the imagination of the screenwriters. For example, do you remember how in that movie, Laurel Canyon, your boyfriend didn’t respect you or treat you right or nothing and you decided to fuck his mother? I would never do that to you, Kate. Also from your movie Shooting Fish I know that you like clever, handsome guys, because you can learn all about an actress from the parts she plays, and I am totally clever and handsome and have a million pounds stashed in my basement.


I am friends with many women, many of which are prettier than you, but you are the one I would like to date, because from all your movies I think you are my soul mate. You are strong and resourceful (as seen in Van Helsing) and also romantic and very cute (Serendipity). You are all I am looking for in a woman, and also I know you like to party (The Last Days of Disco). I totally like that too!


You are so different and special from any woman I have ever met (or not met, for that matter). Even though I have never met you I know I am the man you have been looking for all your life. Other women are too snobbish, immature, shallow and/or ugly, whereas you are none of those things (as far as I know, which, admittedly, is not very far at all). I have singled you out of all the women in the world because I saw some pictures and I think you are the only woman in the world worthy of someone posting on a website about.


If you don’t want to date me, Kate, that’s fine. I know that you will always love me in your heart and that your husband is the only thing preventing you from marrying me. Some day, mr. Wiseman will meet with an unfortunate accident, and then we can be forever together, my love!