Porocrom’s Crappaper

It is time for another Porocrom update, and this time it is something hot. We bring you the inside scoop (god I hate that phrase) on your favorite celebrities’ lives. Read on for all the tantalizing details of wealth, fame and fortune.

Angelina Jolie

Ah, Angelina. Angelina is a dog, but many of you might be attracted to her. You are wrong and stupid. Anyway, Angelina’s defining characteristic (which you may have noticed) are her lips. They are so big that she can easily use them as a small dinghy when at sea. Noone knows how they were created, but rumor has it that she tried to lick a frozen signpost when she was young, and because of her attempts to free herself from the guile post her lips got stretched to the size of New Zealand and remain like that to this day.

Another distinguishing feature of Angelina is her skin. It is riddled with many tattoos (1523 at the moment). These include a dragon, a cross, a tiger, phrases in various languages and a small map of her skin so that the occasional visitor may know where each tatoo is situated and its history. She has also gotten 192 tattoos removed or covered, most of which were about her former husband, Billy Bob Thornton, and detailed his everyday activities, much like a diary of sorts.

She is a bisexual, which is very hot, (but has stated “I don’t do dogs”) and she was said to have been in a relationship with her brother, which is lies, damn lies! She is a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations and frequently travels to various countries to make movies and help people. She has adopted a child named Maddox, and she wanted to be a funeral director when she was little. That is, unfortunately, an unfulfilled dream for her, but she hopes to become one some day. But enough about her.

Pamela Anderson

There is not much to be said about Pamela. Everyone knows her. Former Baywatch star and sex symbol, Pamela is now pretty much gone. She has “accidentally” released two pr0n video tapes, one with her former husband (or maybe they weren’t married or something, who knows with these Hollywood-types) Tommy Lee Jones (or maybe not Jones, one is an actor, the other one has a huge cock, I forget which is which) and one with some drummer dude. The second tape was mostly oral sex, nothing too fancy, but on the first tape they did it everywhere man, in the bathtub, on the boat, in the car, on the international space station, EVERYWHERE. That’s some crazy shit right there. Her life pretty much went downhill from there. Not having much talent and unable to live off the desire of men to see her naked (because now we all have) she began to decline. Maybe she had a child while declining, I’m not sure.

Pamela currently holds the Guinness World Record for Biggest Fake Boobs Breasts, and rightfully so, as you can see in the picture to the right. She has said that she had contracted the Hepatitis C virus from her former husband (the one with the huge cock), by allegedly sharing tattoo needles (*coughdrugscough*). She has starred in various movies, such as “Baywatch: The Movie”, “Baywatch: People Drowning”, “Baywatch: Bodyguards? Policemen? PIs? Who Knows Any More” and “Barb Wire”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnie rocks. Formerly a body builder, Arnold became a Hollywood star from the movie Terminator 3 where he plays a robot that kicks ass and kicks ass, and he’s all out of ass to kick. Hmm, bummer. Anyway, he popularized such lines as “Asta la vista, baby”, “I’ll be back” and “My CPU is a neural net processah, a leahning computor”. Generations have been raised with Arnold’s movies and everyone adores him.

He is so revered, in fact, that he has recently become the Governator of California. His arduous tasks as such involve going to places and trying to talk to people. People nod as if they understand what “I am vehy appy to visit yoah town” means, and then he shakes their hands. They are very pleased by this gesture and give him votes. If you have seen the prophetic movie “Demolition Man”, you know that, among other things, the writers of the movie predicted that Ahnold will become President of the United States of America. The first step towards Ahnold’s world domination has been made.

Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson is everyone’s favourite black-turned-white-turned-leper-turned-pedophile-turned-not-guilty singer. How can anyone not be moved by a young African-American boy’s plight to become white? Isn’t that what being black is all about? After fighting for the better part of his life, he eventually managed to become white, but then discovered it was not so great, so he decided he didn’t like it. He then started shedding various parts of his body, beginning with his nose. Luckily(?), his plastic surgeon convinced him not to drop everything at the last moment, and today he is the man-in-the-mask we all know and love.

Michael Jackson sang great songs, such as “They Don’t Care About Us” to protest the racism of the white man against the other races. He is certainly the most qualified to sing such a song, because he is one of the few people who have been both black and white. Sort of checkerboard patterned, really. His favorite pastimes include singing, long walks on the beach and molesting children dangling babies off window ledges.