Porocrom’s Crappaper

As many of you know, I am a huge music fan. That doesn’t mean that I myself am huge and that I am a fan of music… nor is it to say that I am a fan of huge music… although I am pretty big, and huge music rocks pretty hard…

ANYWAYS

I am a huge music fan. What you may not know is that I am secretly a fan of hip-hop. Now when I say hip-hop I’m not really referring to the crap that you hear on the radio or in the clubs with some idiot who broke into the studio and figured out how to turn on the microphone and raps about how much he enjoys bling and shooting people. That’s not hip-hop to me, that’s pop music. I’m talking about real hip-hop. It’s a style of music that originated as a voice of repressed and alienated urban youth in the 1980s. There exists currently a huge schism between “Old School” sometimes called True School) and “New School” hip-hop, with many artists caught in the middle. Suffice it to say, the stuff out there that is good is AMAZING.

Anyways, having been listening to a lot of hip-hop (both good and bad) and I have deciphered what you (yes YOU) need to become an overnight success in the rap industry. Hang on to your Los Angeles basketball jerseys and Starter caps, and follow me down the road to…

RAP IMMORTALITY

Step 1: Name

Your rapper alias should be a reflection of the image you wish to project as a rapper. Biggie Smalls apparently wanted to confuse everyone with a paradox, which would keep them distracted as he quickly stole their money. Snoop Dogg is Charles Schultz’ bastard son. Puff Daddy, as everyone knows, is a marshmallow addict. Dr. Dre spent 10 years in private practice as a plastic surgeon before a major celebrity screw-up forced him into the music business (I’m not at liberty to divulge who, but think “Jack Michaelson” and you’ll be on the right track).

Your name could be something dangerous like “Mack the Knife” or “Dangerous Person” or “Guy Who May or May Not Have a Gun”. The name could also be something subtly clever, like “MC Square” or “Mike Rho Phone”. If you are really stuck for a name, take the first letter of your name and pair it with an animal. So “Jared” becomes “J-Dogg”, Tiffany becomes “T-Kitty” and Arthur becomes “A-Galapagos Tortoise”.

Step 2: Image

There are three main rapper images, which are blended like primary colours to make various shades of rapper.

- The first theme is “Homeless Person”, where you dress in clothes that do not fit you properly. The appeal to the homeless person persona is that you appear to be close to the streets, since you sleep with your face against them every night. The downside is the obvious odour problem and that pesky crack habit.

- The second type is “Wealthy Merchant”. This is a person who has far more money than they can possibly spend wisely, and so they purchase luxury cars and diamond necklaces. They drink overpriced alcohol and throw lavish parties. The best part of this image is that it makes your fans feel bad about being poor and having little-to-no opportunity to improve their lifestyle.

- The third and final type is “Thoughtless Hurtful Ugly Guttersnipe” or, known better by its acronym, THUG. The THUG style is espoused by several rappers, and is characterized by thoughtless lack of regard for human life and the authorities, coupled with antisocial behaviour. The key to pulling this image off is to confess to killing a lot of people. We are still puzzled as to why Tim McVeigh’s rap carreer never got off the ground.

NOTE: This is also an excellent time to acquire “bling”

Step 3: The Video

No hip-hop artist can be successful without a video. This is a chance to exhibit your newfound name and image. Most of the videos I have seen feature a few essential items:

• Women with self-esteem only slightly lower than their body fat percentage
• Excessive pointing of fingers or sometimes gestures with the entire hand
• Unrealistic dance routines that would get you beat horribly if you tried to perform them
• Infidelity and polygamy, especially with really ugly men getting ridiculously attractive women. This gives fat guys hope so that instead of going to the gym and getting a job, they will just buy more records.

Remember, the magic formula to sales is

Phase 1 – lower fan self esteem
Phase 2 – ???
Phase 3 – Profit

Step 4: The Music

This is probably the least important step, but we’ll include it anyway because I like things that have 4 parts. You can rap about anything you like. Here are some helpful tips:

• Make unrealistic (or better yet, impossible) boasts about your skills. For example, “I rap so well that I arm-wrestled God and won” or “I traveled back in time and single-handedly defeated the armies of Gaul” or “There are 4 fundamental physical particles, protons, electrons, neutrons, and my rap.” Keep in mind that most people won’t understand these references, but they sound cool.
• Use the lingo. You don’t “sing”, you “spit”. You don’t have a “gun” you have a “glock”. You don’t have “female friends” you have “bitches”. This will help increase your “street cred”, which our team of scientists believe is either a small, squirrel-like creature native to Sumatra, or a type of submersible conveyance used in the slavery era.
• Use racial slurs as much as you can, unless you are white. If you are white, pick a different genre. We let Eminem in and now look what happened.

Using these tips you should have no problem becoming an overnight success. In a related note, look for my new album “Stronger than Strong Nuclear Force” coming out under the name “MC Having-Sex-with-your-Mother” in stores soon.