Porocrom’s Crappaper

Dear faithful readers,

First off, we want to apologize to you for subjecting you to such a bland, boring, run-of-the-mill blogging experience as you have witnessed in the past few days. We thought it was funny… until people started telling us they liked it…

At Porocrom, we believe in two basic things:

1. Hot chicks should get naked and take pictures of themselves wrestling in pudding for our amusement
2. WHAT you read is as important as HOW you read it
3. Counting is for suckers

Blogspot has been our home for nearly a year now, but like having to take your 12 year-old cousin to Chuck E. Cheese’s, we’re bored and ready to do something new. Thus, we are very proud and happy to reveal the NEW look of Porocrom. From the beginning, we have tried to redefine what it is to be a “Blog”. Blogging once meant “Online journal for whiny teenage suburban Goth wannabes”. Forthwith and forevermore, it shall mean “Thing that doesn’t suck… as much”

So please update your bookmarks, change your fan-mail appropriately, and sit back as we walk you through a few of the new features you can expect to see here at Porocrom’s Crappaper.

I am Poromenos the Flatulent, and I shall herewith introduce you to our new features of our blog column thing. They are these:

• Layout. A look that will make you feel a tingling sensation in your genital region if female. Other side effects might include involuntary twitching and an irresistible urge for sex with the Porocrom guys. If symptoms persist, see your doctor (and by doctor I mean me. Punani-doctor.). No such symptoms have yet been observed on male specimens.
• Comments. The new comments rock. I love them. They are so sexy. Anyway, yes, you can make comments and write stuff on them which we will read and either praise you or pwn you, depending on if you are 2 kewl 4 skool or a FOOL.
• Site registration. This enables us to keep tabs on you like a totalitarian government. Registering for the site includes entering your name, email address, penis/breast size (whichever is applicable, if both please tell us so we can make fun of you) and our installing secret cameras in your house and monitoring your every movement, unless that movement is not sex. But seriously, registered users will enjoy many more benefits which will range from showing your name on comments to not not showing your name on comments. REGISTER NOW and take advantage of our deal like a chick passed out in a dark alley: A Natalie Portman bedroom spycam for your exclusive use! (*WARNING:* May be fictitious).
• Much easier uploading of pictures. While this doesn’t mean we will begin inserting free porn (hey, what’s p2p for?), it does mean that you will be seeing many more pictures on the site. This will hopefully appease the Fire God Moloch and make him stop lighting my carpet on fire. HAPPY NOW, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!
• Statistics that rock. Now we know who visited our site, where from, what browser he was using, whether he wanted to be born as a different sex and how often they have sex (that last one is just a fixed field that says “Never”, but it’s cool to have nevertheless). Granted, you won’t be seeing any of these statistics, but like sex, you will at least be glad it exists.
• More made-up advantages. Since it’s 5 am and I’m tired, I will just let you imagine of other advantages, like the site making coffee or helping you find the love of your life through comments you both made on a post about gingivitis that turned into a lifelong relationship of mutual respect (because, well, you’re both nerds ).

So, valued reader, we’re excited to have you along on this important step. Over the next few days, expect to see some changes. As always, let us know what you think. If you like, if you don’t like, if you don’t care… we love to hear from you.

And to the people who liked hearing us drone on about our days… yikes. Just yikes…

I was listening to the new hit by the popular Rhythm and Blues artist Jennifer Lopez, and it is apparently featuring a mister “Fabolous”(sic?). Now, this mister Fabolous appears to be very good at math because he is constantly raising variables to various powers, for example “J to the lo” and “F to the a b”.

Now, I am no mathematician, so I can only assume that these are various complex numbers, but I would like to applaud mr. Fabolous’s idea of introducing mathematics in songs and commend ms. Lopez for teaching our kids proper values with her songs. If only more songwriters chose this road and educated people while entertaining them, the world would be a much better place.

Another band I would like to congratulate are Iron Maiden (whom, incidentally, I am going to see live at their concert next week) for their contribution to the teaching of history the world over. Such legendary tracks as “Quest for Fire“, “Powerslave“ and, more importantly, “Alexander the Great“ (to name a few) retrace with vividity and, above all, historical accuracy the steps of man throughout the ages. Who, today, would remember Alexander the Great, arguably the biggest conqueror of all time (and certainly the biggest Greek conqueror) were it not for Iron Maiden? One thing saddens me though, and that is that Iron Maiden refuse to play this song in their concerts. An ingrate and a dimwit might even think they don’t know the lyrics, but they would both be wrong.

Of course, I would be lacking if I left the great Rammstein out of this list. With their amazing album “Reise, Reise“ they teach both young and old how much fun geography can be. Each track in the magnificence that is “Reise, Reise“ travels us to a different country of the world and introduces us to its culture and customs. An interesting listen, to say the least.

This concludes today’s update. More on the Iron Maiden concert as soon as I actually go to it.

Hey all,

Your favourite pseudo-dictator here. Despite what you’ve heard, Poromenos and I are indeed two different people. I know it is difficult to wrap your tiny mind around two people this awesome, but have some hot cocoa and you’ll figure it out.

If you have any constructive comments on the site, on our posts, on my odour, please don’t hesitate to fire them our way. We love to hear your comments on our stuff, be they supportive, contradictory, or just plain incoherent. Keep giving us stuff to write about, because we love you all… and by “all” I mean “hot chicks who like experimenting”.

ABOUT BANDS I LIKE

If there is a band you would like to see featured on Porocrom, please send me an e-mail with the name of the band and 3-5 songs by which I can judge them. Please be advised:

• I don’t listen to boy bands or crappy pop music. This goes double for lesbian Lillith Fair music, which isn’t an attack on female artists, a lot of dudes write that shit too
• I don’t like gangsta rap as a general rule, so it had better be AMAZING (on par with Nas)
• If the band is really popular, chances are I have heard of them and won’t bother writing a BIL
• “Band” also encompasses artists, DJs, etc. So don’t be afraid to send me any kind of stuff you like
• If I don’t post right away, be patient. If you are in some sort of hurry for my honest opinion, send me e-mail.
• If I haven’t posted about your band after a month or so, it’s probably because I didn’t like them. No offense to you, just not my style.

E-mail Crommunist
List of Crommunist’s posts.

Hello, as you probably realised, I am Poromenos. You can visit www.poromenos.org== for stuff…

List of Poromenos’s posts.

Today, as I was journeying deep in the vast jungle that is the Intarweb, I came upon a site called Date me, Natalie!. It is about a guy who attempts to get Natalie Portman to date him through word-of-mouth and clever internet marketing. Seeing as how this blog already has reached fifteen billion people (don’t believe the counter on the side over there, it’s lying) in the known universe, I decided to make my plea to Kate Beckinsale public. Date me, Kate!

Much like the Natalie Portman guy, I also have seen you and I think we are compatible. It is not anything romantic or anything, because I know you are married and have a daughter, but I wouldn’t object to hot, sweaty sex either. I just know that we have much in common, because I know you very well from all those parts you played, which are totally how you are in reality, and not at all the imagination of the screenwriters. For example, do you remember how in that movie, Laurel Canyon, your boyfriend didn’t respect you or treat you right or nothing and you decided to fuck his mother? I would never do that to you, Kate. Also from your movie Shooting Fish I know that you like clever, handsome guys, because you can learn all about an actress from the parts she plays, and I am totally clever and handsome and have a million pounds stashed in my basement.

I am friends with many women, many of which are prettier than you, but you are the one I would like to date, because from all your movies I think you are my soul mate. You are strong and resourceful (as seen in Van Helsing) and also romantic and very cute (Serendipity). You are all I am looking for in a woman, and also I know you like to party (The Last Days of Disco). I totally like that too!

You are so different and special from any woman I have ever met (or not met, for that matter). Even though I have never met you I know I am the man you have been looking for all your life. Other women are too snobbish, immature, shallow and/or ugly, whereas you are none of those things (as far as I know, which, admittedly, is not very far at all). I have singled you out of all the women in the world because I saw some pictures and I think you are the only woman in the world worthy of someone posting on a website about.

If you don’t want to date me, Kate, that’s fine. I know that you will always love me in your heart and that your husband is the only thing preventing you from marrying me. Some day, mr. Wiseman will meet with an unfortunate accident, and then we can be forever together, my love!