Porocrom’s Crappaper

I don’t know about you lot, but having a religion these days is a pain in the butt. First of all, which one do you pick? Catholicism comes with free food and booze, Islam gets free virgins, Judaism gets you mad stacks of cash… WHAT TO DO?

And after you’ve picked your religion, there’s the pesky unanswered questions. “If God is all-powerful and all-good, why does evil prosper?” “If everything is fated, can free will exist?” “Can Allah make a taco so big even he cannot eat it?” So many questions. And lastly, there is the pesky problem of all the good religious guys being long-dead. Mohammad, Moses, Santa Claus… buried and unavailable for questions.

Well friends, there is an answer. I have discovered a religion that is way better than having a REAL religion. Imagine eternal Earthly happiness with guaranteed and SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN results! Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? Well for the low low price of $49.95, you too can become a Scientologist.

Many so-called “real” religions are based on the principle that Earthly fulfilment must be abated to achieve an everlasting reward in a perfect afterlife. Any conflicts in your life are the direct result of sinful transgressions from a well-established moral code. According to Scientology, this is just religious mumbo-jumbo. The REAL key to Earthly happiness is to unlock your hidden super-powers that give you control over your life and the circumstances around you. Not only THAT, but it will teach you how to raise perfect children, succeed 100% of the time at your job, and fly faster than light speed (reserved only for Gold-Card members). Also, forget about sin, the only sin is not buying enough books.

Many religions are based around a central and supernatural mythology, usually dealing with the creation of the world. Many believe in the power of an almighty being that creates and controls the ebb and flow of the universe. The truth is found in books like the Torah and the Qur’an, that are considered by many to be God’s revealed word. These books are pored over by scholars and theologians to extract the truth. In Scientology, there’s no need for scholarly insight or careful study, the books are easy to read! And who needs just ONE holy book? In Scientology, you can buy a whole series! As we know from observing American culture (the best in the world because it has the most missiles), more is ALWAYS better. No pesky unexplainable phenomena for Scientologists either. All of life’s problems have been solved scientifically. Never mind that mankind still doesn’t really know how the microwave works… science IS the answer.

How many times have you found yourself puzzling over a mystery that has puzzled mankind for ages? Ever tried to write Jesus a letter, only to discover that he’s dead and his family moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address? Irritating, isn’t it? Well with Scientology, the leader is still alive! Write L. Ron Hubbard a letter, and he will reply with a monographed form letter with an appeal to buy his latest book. If that’s not more efficient than prayer, I don’t know what is. If you’re still in need of guidance, you can always check out the OFFICIAL website. I don’t see judaism.com or hindu.net out there! (Note: since this was posted, anti-Porocrom anti-Scientologists posted these two websites. The conspiracy is everywhere!)

So while all you suckers are wasting your time with charity and self-sacrifice to appease some deity figure way out in space, I’m sinking my money into the kind of religion I can really get into: one that is completely sane. I mean… it worked for Tom Cruise… and there’s nothing wrong with him, right?

This site tries to be funny. Any similarity to people, places, situations or anything else is accidental. Any generalisation and/or stereotype does not reflect the opinion of the writer(s), even if (and especially when) stated otherwise. If you think we are racist, sexist, bigots or generally Bad Guys™ you are stupid and should be shot (although that is not really our opinion).

Back again with another concert, Scorpions this time. In Thessaloniki (not Athens now), Greece, we went to see Scorpions, and, as expected, they rocked. The pictures and videos will be included in the torrent with the Dio/Twisted Sister/Anthrax/Katatonia/Whatever concert pictures. The theatre was packed with people of all ages, and there were more hot chicks than you’d think, with far less nerds than you’d think, which is a good thing. There were even people with their kids there, and that is not a good example to set for your kids, you damn stoners.

This is their playlist:

1. New Generation
2. Love ‘em or Leave ‘em
3. Bad Boys
4. The Zoo
5. Make It Real
6. We’ll Burn the Sky
7. Deep and Dark
8. Coast to Coast
9. Holiday (long version)
10. In Trance
11. Wind of Change
12. Noone Like You
13. Loving You Sunday
14. Tease Me Please Me
15. Kottak Attack
16. Black Out
17. He’s a Woman
18. Hit Between the Eyes
19. Big City Nights

1. Coming Home
2. Still Loving You
3. Hurricane

1. Smoke Is Going Down

The lines are the songs of the two encores. New Generation, Love ‘em or Leave ‘em and Deep and Dark were from the new CD, Unbreakable, and they were quite good. They started out with heavy songs and played the ballads later on, so everyone was pumped up from the start. Klaus Meine was quite vocal, being the vocalist and all (ha. ha. ha.). He was running up and down the stage and throwing drumsticks most of the time, when he was not singing, but he wasn’t throwing them far enough so those of us who were more than a mile away had no chance of catching one, sadly.

The highlights included Kottak Attack, the drum solo by James Kottak, during which he broke a beer bottle with his head and continued playing. The beer bottle was unavailable for comment, but Kottak said “This was the best drum solo I have ever done.” or something like that. He didn’t say it to me, so I’m just guessing.

I didn’t know the first few songs, so I just nodded along until they got to the known stuff. Also, I took a picture of the setlist before the concert started and I knew all the songs beforehand, so I shouted each song’s name before they sang it as if I was requesting it. I bet the people in front of me thought that the Scorpions were my bitches, playing every song I asked or something. I especially liked the part where Holiday started, but Klaus stopped before the chorus and wouldn’t sing it before making us sing some silly stuff. We played along and then he went “Longing for the sun!”, at which point we all went crazy and started jumping up and down and shitting our pants.

They left before the first encore, but we were shouting at them to come back because we had seen the setlist and knew there were more songs and they couldn’t play that trick on us so they should come back and sing Coming Home now. Bitches.

This is the end of this review, the rest of it was quite uneventful. All you can do now is wait for the videos and pictures, which, incidentally, are much better than the Dio ones, because I discovered the magic that is ISO 400. That’ll be in August. Until then, keep checking up on the site.

I pride myself on being a person who can think intelligently and ponder the mysteries of life to a satisfactory conclusion. However, I find as I get older that I encounter more frequently a list of:

Things I don’t understand

Theoretical particle physics

I tried to read a book that “simplifies” quantum theory and subparticle physics. I am almost 100% sure that the scientists who came up with this stuff in the 70s were just making things up. Apparetly up and down quarks come in an assorted number of flavours and charms. The exact number of charms are unknown, but many eminent scientists believe that the number includes Green Clovers, Red Balloons, Blue Moons, Black-Eyed wives and other Irish stereotypes.

The interaction of brain and mind.

We have as yet been completely unable to discover the seat of thought. We know it must be somewhere in the brain, but where? There is a part of us capable of wondering what part of us wonders… then other parts try to figure out what the hell we are asking… and some parts wander off and mentally undress the girl sitting across from you on the subway. What is overwhelmingly evident is that we are not in full control of our minds… or our pants.

What girls do when they are “freshening up”

There are a great number of things I know that must be kept fresh. Fish, fruit, funky rhymes… all these things are best when fresh. What exactly needs to be kept fresh about a live person? Do women have buckets of ice or refrigeration systems in the bathrooms that keep them from spoiling? Or are they just embarassed to say “I am going to the bathroom to release some chocolate hostages”? We all took science in elementary school ladies, we know that you poop.

Jamaican people

I once tried to copy/paste some Sean Paul lyrics into a Word document for a project I was working on. When I hit CTRL+V, my computer hummed, buzzed, beeped, then self-destructed. I brought it into the computer guy and he said that my spell-checker had overloaded. Someone desperately needs to go to Jamaica and give elocution lessons before we’re all talking like “Why fe de bway gon’ chase de gyal dem, mon?”

Why it takes women like… 30 years to get ready for something

Shower … 10 minutes
Dry hair … 15 minutes? (I don’t know, I don’t need a hair dryer… white people are suckers)
Put on pants … 2 minutes if you are real big-like
Put on shirt … 1 minute
??? … 3 hours, 22 minutes

Ladies, please help us out. What is it you are DOING that causes you to be unable to get ready before the ice age is upon us?

There is no satisfactory way to end this post.

(continued…)

There are some wooden beams here that prevent me from walking down the corridor. Damn, if only I had something to cut them with, like, for example, a chainsaw? But where am I going to find a chainsaw at this hour? By the way, one of the good things about this game is that it has loads of handgun bullets everywhere. One of the bad things about this game is that a handgun is nowhere to be found, but I appreciate the bullets. Off to search for the elusive clock face key! I really wish I had HoMMIII(Heroes of Might and Magic III) with me right about now.

What the fuck! I went upstairs and saw this key on the other side of some bars (again wooden), and when I tried to reach out and take it this little bitch came and kicked it and laughed. I swear, if I get my hands on her, I am going to spank her firm, supple little ass until it is all red and firm and… Uh, yeah, so now I have to go get the damn key. Of course, using the long piece of wood with nails on one end that I have to reach it is out of the question.

Oh joy, I found a gun. It was in a shopping cart, which led my character to stare at it in awe and amazement and exclaim “What’s that doing here?” Oh sure, the zombies and clocks with markings and riddles and the dead sending e-mails are normal, but A SHOPPING CART! Oh the horror, call the Ghostbusters!

After a lot of running around and getting into adventures that included a baby, a dead guy and a red zombie, I found THE CLOCK KEY! Much rejoicing, now let’s open the clock, solve the riddle and go get that brat. Woohoo, I discovered that at 800×600 resolution I can Alt+Tab properly. Anyway, on my way to the clock I stopped by the laundry room and found a trash chute with some strange garbage stuck in it. My character proposed I dropped something heavy from above. Dude, get your priorities straight. We are here to get laid, not to unclog garbage chutes! Sheesh! Back to the quest though, I went to the clock, set it to 9:10 and pushed it. On the other side I found another ketchup bottle, but I am beginning to suspect that on the beginner level there’s no health, and I am, indeed, immortal. That’s good to know because I’m lazy and don’t like dying. So I’ll just hoard ketchup bottles for now, until I can get to a McDonalds and order lots of french fries.

I entered an apartment and found that red zombie thing that has a bathtub on his head doing two of the other four-legged zombies, it was hot zombie on zombie on zombie action. After he was done he dragged the female zombies with him. Now that’s a real man. I hid in the closet to avoid being approached really really slowly and I was quite inconspicuous with my lit flashlight lighting the entire damn room. Luckily he couldn’t see a lot with the bathtub over his head, so I got some handgun rounds that were accidentally in the closet and shot this zombie pornstar repeatedly. He didn’t seem to mind, and left.

I am searching all over the building, making progress. This game is so boring, but my journalistic perseverance urges me to continue. I hope you all appreciate what I’m doing for you. On the bright side, I found a map. Now my nights are warmer because I have something to read and talk to when I am feeling lonely. The map is my best friend. I call him David.

I had to open a safe, and after searching high and low for the combination, I found it in a wallet stuck in a toilet(!) after my character put his hand in the gutter to satisfy his shit fetish. Thus, it was completely coincidental that I found said wallet. Proceeding to the safe and opening it, I found… Wait, my dumbass character didn’t actually take the memo, he left it in the fucking toilet. Here we go again: Opening it, I found… HANDGUN BULLETS? WHAT THE FUCK, you have got to be shitting me. I was expecting the fucking key that would unlock the mysteries of the universe with this amount of searching, and all I get is bullets?! I don’t even use the fucking handgun. I am quite pissed off now.

I finished the game. It did leave me with a certain lack of closure, but I guess the end was happy after all. I decided I don’t want to run around like crazy to find my skank of a wife, so I went back and hit on the graveyard chick. We got married after a year, and now we have two children, John and Mary. I’ll go play Silent Hunter III now. It’s more silent, it has one more number (3 > 2), and you can sodomize people (well, it doesn’t explicitly say that, but you’re on a submarine, it’s implied). I’ll post the Dio review tomorrow, but I’m sure Dio will rock anyway.

(that’s it.)