Over the last few years there has been a quietly simmering feud developing between two major political powers. It centers around two men with similar ambitions and abilities. Well-known to the public eye, these two men have taken a recent back seat in the theatre of world politics; however, it is only a matter of time before the feud between these two man surfaces explosively with potentially disasterous sociopolitical results.

I refer, of course, to Optimus Prime and Inspector Gadget.

Little is known about the private lives of either of these men. Both large-scale figures in the after-school and Saturday morning law enforcement, both with incredible powers of personal transformation. Experts can only speculate as to when these two men originally ran afoul of each other, but one thing is certain: the resulting battle would be one for the history books. At Porocrom, we keep a keen interest in global politics, and in that vein, we offer this comparison between these two men in a BATTLE FOR TRANSFORMER SUPREMACY.

Let’s see how these two men stack up.





Weaponry


Optimus Prime’s main form of weaponry falls into the “Gigantic Fucking Gun” category. Very effective, but lacking in subtlety. He’s also like… 50 feet tall and made of metal, so he’s pretty deadly in a fist-fight. However, his kung-fu lacks finesse.


The Inspector has no real weapons, but we don’t really know everything he has hidden in that coat. We know for sure that he has a helicopter blade, a key in his finger, a blow torch, and a flashlight.



Round one winner: Optimus Prime

Running crew


Optimus chills with the Autobots. We are all a little disappointed with that name. Other gangs are known by tough-sounding names like “Hell’s Angels” and “The Bloods” and “The Little Rascals”. This lapse notwithstanding, the Autobots are pretty tough. However, some of their odd behaviour may raise some eyebrows. First of all, they spend all of their time with children. No evidence of “Jesus Juice” has been found yet, but high concentrations of a strange substance was found around the zippers of several of the young men who regularly visit the Autobot HQ. Spectral scans revealed it to be “Energon”. But he has that guy who has midget robots who pop out of his chest and feed off his natural secretions or whatever. That is pretty cool.


The Inspector is a Narc, but we’ll forgive him that. What’s more than a little suspicious is that he also hangs around with a kid and an anthropomorphised dog. Like honestly, I have never seen that fucker walk on four legs. I am also pretty sure he can speak English but he mumbles and shouts like a lazy immigrant. Also, I don’t like his smart-mouthed niece Penny. This is a girl so irritating that her parents adandoned her with her robotic uncle. One day she’s gonna step out of line and catch a ‘Go Go Gadget bitch slap’ and no amount of computer book can help her. The one redeeming person is the Chief. This is how we know Gadget is the man. He OPENLY attempts to assassinate his superior in every episode with that exploding note, but can he do anything? No. Because Gadget rules.



Round two winner: Inspector Gadget

The enemy

Sun Tzu says “The strength of a warrior may be measured by the strength of his adversary”[1]. In order to accurately gauge the respective power of these two men, we must examine their arch nemesiseses. Nemeses? Bad guys…


Optimus Prime’s evil counterpart is of course, Megatron (from the Greek “Mega” meaning “large” and “Tron” meaning “crappy 1980’s cult movie”). Megatron’s power seems to come from his gigantic gun (maybe overcompensation?) and his whiny, irritating voice. He transforms into a gun, which sort of makes you wonder how he seized control, since once he transforms he is completely useless. Guns don’t kill people, robots who wield other robots that have transformed into guns kill people.


Inspector Gadget must prevail against the evil machinations of the MAD terrorist organization (no relation to the magazine). MAD is led by a disembodied hand in a chair, called Doctor Claw. Clearly surgery wasn’t Dr. Claw’s specialty, since you need at least two hands to do that. His only known consort is a snickering cat, known simply as “Mad Cat”. All in all, Dr. Claw isn’t really that threatening an adversary, but he is suspected to be related to “Thing” from the Addams Family.



Round three winner: Tied

So perhaps we shall never know the true outcome of this global struggle. Inspector Gadget has a van that turns into a sports car. Optimus Prime IS a vehicle. Can super-stretchy arms stand up to a no-nonsense voice and a heart of plutonium? Luckily it is highly unlikely that these two men will clash in our lifetime. And, dear reader, that’s just Prime…

1 That’s a lie… I totally made that up. But as if you would have known if I hadn’t said anything!