(continued…)

Well, there goes my brilliant plan. They don’t die if you hit them over the head with the stick, they just fall down and can’t get up because they can’t use their arms. My character obviously can’t be bothered to tilt his chainsaw slightly and hit them while they’re down (or maybe he’s too noble), so they just run crawling until they get to a wall. Another thing I noted is that the stoplights work fine, but they are placed in completely random places. Also there’s a dead guy here, but I can’t sodomize him. I didn’t really expect I would be able to, since I can’t even jump, but it was worth a shot.

I went to the place marked on the map. There was a dead guy there, with the key to the apartment complex also mentioned on the map. So, let me get this straight. Someone went to the dead guy, saw him, saw that he had a key, marked it on his map, left the key there, went to the apartment complex, marked that on the map too, left the map in a deserted bar and left? Yeah, that makes sense.

I got in the apartment building. I found a bottle of ketchup and a wooden door. I tried to open the door but it is locked. Hmm. Wooden door. Chainsaw. Wooden door. Chainsaw. Yeah, no, I’ll never be able to open it, I’d better go upstairs.

Oh man. I went in this room, and there was this mannequin and I got a flashlight, and there was a zombie there that was very odd. Under the waist it was normal, legs and all, but over the waist it was again under the waist. That’s right, it had two sets of legs joined at the waist, one on top of the other. It attempted to kick me but I killed it. This is the coolest zombie ever. It appears to be female, too. Too bad you don’t have the aforementioned “sodomize” capability. Imagine all the gangbang potential though. I want a woman like that.

I found the reaction of the sexist pig that is my character particularly interesting . There was a desk with some makeup, hair spray, etc, and when I tried to perform an action on them he said “There’s nothing that looks to be of use”. HOW CAN HE CALL MAKEUP USELESS?! Does he not want to look pretty on the war against zombies? Clearly this is a very misogynistic game. All you lesbian-types should rebel against it.

I have to admit, the lighting in this game is amazing. The shadows, the lens flare, everything. The graphics are great too, and it’s not a particularly heavy game. There’s also the screen noise, an option that makes the screen grainy and gives it an aged effect (and has the added bonus of allowing the programmers to get away with no antialiasing), which I turned off because I don’t overly like it.

This is getting to be more of a walkthrough than a review, and hence huge. You should read it in six instalments or something, once every eight hours, after lunch. Anyway, I entered this room and there was some writing on the wall. There were three arrows and names next to them, that read Henry, Mildred and Scott. This is just screaming “initials”, but I don’t know what it means. Oh, there’s a clock behind me. Duh, Hour, Minute, Second. Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen the easiest riddle level. I can’t open the face but it doesn’t surprise me any more, this game is quite retarded in that respect. Instead of forcing it open, being the 200-pound man that I am, I will go around searching for the key. That’s what I would do in real life, anyway. At least make the damn clock out of titanium or something, I bet I could force the plate open with one finger! Many of you will argue “Yeah, but how else will the game advance?” Well, many of you are stupid (you think I don’t mean you but I do). All this takes away from my enjoyment, making the game less immersive. But I digress. I have ADD. Panties.

(to be continued…)