(continued…)

There are some wooden beams here that prevent me from walking down the corridor. Damn, if only I had something to cut them with, like, for example, a chainsaw? But where am I going to find a chainsaw at this hour? By the way, one of the good things about this game is that it has loads of handgun bullets everywhere. One of the bad things about this game is that a handgun is nowhere to be found, but I appreciate the bullets. Off to search for the elusive clock face key! I really wish I had HoMMIII(Heroes of Might and Magic III) with me right about now.

What the fuck! I went upstairs and saw this key on the other side of some bars (again wooden), and when I tried to reach out and take it this little bitch came and kicked it and laughed. I swear, if I get my hands on her, I am going to spank her firm, supple little ass until it is all red and firm and… Uh, yeah, so now I have to go get the damn key. Of course, using the long piece of wood with nails on one end that I have to reach it is out of the question.

Oh joy, I found a gun. It was in a shopping cart, which led my character to stare at it in awe and amazement and exclaim “What’s that doing here?” Oh sure, the zombies and clocks with markings and riddles and the dead sending e-mails are normal, but A SHOPPING CART! Oh the horror, call the Ghostbusters!

After a lot of running around and getting into adventures that included a baby, a dead guy and a red zombie, I found THE CLOCK KEY! Much rejoicing, now let’s open the clock, solve the riddle and go get that brat. Woohoo, I discovered that at 800×600 resolution I can Alt+Tab properly. Anyway, on my way to the clock I stopped by the laundry room and found a trash chute with some strange garbage stuck in it. My character proposed I dropped something heavy from above. Dude, get your priorities straight. We are here to get laid, not to unclog garbage chutes! Sheesh! Back to the quest though, I went to the clock, set it to 9:10 and pushed it. On the other side I found another ketchup bottle, but I am beginning to suspect that on the beginner level there’s no health, and I am, indeed, immortal. That’s good to know because I’m lazy and don’t like dying. So I’ll just hoard ketchup bottles for now, until I can get to a McDonalds and order lots of french fries.

I entered an apartment and found that red zombie thing that has a bathtub on his head doing two of the other four-legged zombies, it was hot zombie on zombie on zombie action. After he was done he dragged the female zombies with him. Now that’s a real man. I hid in the closet to avoid being approached really really slowly and I was quite inconspicuous with my lit flashlight lighting the entire damn room. Luckily he couldn’t see a lot with the bathtub over his head, so I got some handgun rounds that were accidentally in the closet and shot this zombie pornstar repeatedly. He didn’t seem to mind, and left.

I am searching all over the building, making progress. This game is so boring, but my journalistic perseverance urges me to continue. I hope you all appreciate what I’m doing for you. On the bright side, I found a map. Now my nights are warmer because I have something to read and talk to when I am feeling lonely. The map is my best friend. I call him David.

I had to open a safe, and after searching high and low for the combination, I found it in a wallet stuck in a toilet(!) after my character put his hand in the gutter to satisfy his shit fetish. Thus, it was completely coincidental that I found said wallet. Proceeding to the safe and opening it, I found… Wait, my dumbass character didn’t actually take the memo, he left it in the fucking toilet. Here we go again: Opening it, I found… HANDGUN BULLETS? WHAT THE FUCK, you have got to be shitting me. I was expecting the fucking key that would unlock the mysteries of the universe with this amount of searching, and all I get is bullets?! I don’t even use the fucking handgun. I am quite pissed off now.

I finished the game. It did leave me with a certain lack of closure, but I guess the end was happy after all. I decided I don’t want to run around like crazy to find my skank of a wife, so I went back and hit on the graveyard chick. We got married after a year, and now we have two children, John and Mary. I’ll go play Silent Hunter III now. It’s more silent, it has one more number (3 > 2), and you can sodomize people (well, it doesn’t explicitly say that, but you’re on a submarine, it’s implied). I’ll post the Dio review tomorrow, but I’m sure Dio will rock anyway.

(that’s it.)