I pride myself on being a person who can think intelligently and ponder the mysteries of life to a satisfactory conclusion. However, I find as I get older that I encounter more frequently a list of:

Things I don’t understand

Theoretical particle physics

I tried to read a book that “simplifies” quantum theory and subparticle physics. I am almost 100% sure that the scientists who came up with this stuff in the 70s were just making things up. Apparetly up and down quarks come in an assorted number of flavours and charms. The exact number of charms are unknown, but many eminent scientists believe that the number includes Green Clovers, Red Balloons, Blue Moons, Black-Eyed wives and other Irish stereotypes.

The interaction of brain and mind.

We have as yet been completely unable to discover the seat of thought. We know it must be somewhere in the brain, but where? There is a part of us capable of wondering what part of us wonders… then other parts try to figure out what the hell we are asking… and some parts wander off and mentally undress the girl sitting across from you on the subway. What is overwhelmingly evident is that we are not in full control of our minds… or our pants.

What girls do when they are “freshening up”

There are a great number of things I know that must be kept fresh. Fish, fruit, funky rhymes… all these things are best when fresh. What exactly needs to be kept fresh about a live person? Do women have buckets of ice or refrigeration systems in the bathrooms that keep them from spoiling? Or are they just embarassed to say “I am going to the bathroom to release some chocolate hostages”? We all took science in elementary school ladies, we know that you poop.

Jamaican people

I once tried to copy/paste some Sean Paul lyrics into a Word document for a project I was working on. When I hit CTRL+V, my computer hummed, buzzed, beeped, then self-destructed. I brought it into the computer guy and he said that my spell-checker had overloaded. Someone desperately needs to go to Jamaica and give elocution lessons before we’re all talking like “Why fe de bway gon’ chase de gyal dem, mon?”

Why it takes women like… 30 years to get ready for something

Shower … 10 minutes
Dry hair … 15 minutes? (I don’t know, I don’t need a hair dryer… white people are suckers)
Put on pants … 2 minutes if you are real big-like
Put on shirt … 1 minute
??? … 3 hours, 22 minutes

Ladies, please help us out. What is it you are DOING that causes you to be unable to get ready before the ice age is upon us?

There is no satisfactory way to end this post.