Porocrom’s Crappaper

(continued…)

Well, there goes my brilliant plan. They don’t die if you hit them over the head with the stick, they just fall down and can’t get up because they can’t use their arms. My character obviously can’t be bothered to tilt his chainsaw slightly and hit them while they’re down (or maybe he’s too noble), so they just run crawling until they get to a wall. Another thing I noted is that the stoplights work fine, but they are placed in completely random places. Also there’s a dead guy here, but I can’t sodomize him. I didn’t really expect I would be able to, since I can’t even jump, but it was worth a shot.

I went to the place marked on the map. There was a dead guy there, with the key to the apartment complex also mentioned on the map. So, let me get this straight. Someone went to the dead guy, saw him, saw that he had a key, marked it on his map, left the key there, went to the apartment complex, marked that on the map too, left the map in a deserted bar and left? Yeah, that makes sense.

I got in the apartment building. I found a bottle of ketchup and a wooden door. I tried to open the door but it is locked. Hmm. Wooden door. Chainsaw. Wooden door. Chainsaw. Yeah, no, I’ll never be able to open it, I’d better go upstairs.

Oh man. I went in this room, and there was this mannequin and I got a flashlight, and there was a zombie there that was very odd. Under the waist it was normal, legs and all, but over the waist it was again under the waist. That’s right, it had two sets of legs joined at the waist, one on top of the other. It attempted to kick me but I killed it. This is the coolest zombie ever. It appears to be female, too. Too bad you don’t have the aforementioned “sodomize” capability. Imagine all the gangbang potential though. I want a woman like that.

I found the reaction of the sexist pig that is my character particularly interesting . There was a desk with some makeup, hair spray, etc, and when I tried to perform an action on them he said “There’s nothing that looks to be of use”. HOW CAN HE CALL MAKEUP USELESS?! Does he not want to look pretty on the war against zombies? Clearly this is a very misogynistic game. All you lesbian-types should rebel against it.

I have to admit, the lighting in this game is amazing. The shadows, the lens flare, everything. The graphics are great too, and it’s not a particularly heavy game. There’s also the screen noise, an option that makes the screen grainy and gives it an aged effect (and has the added bonus of allowing the programmers to get away with no antialiasing), which I turned off because I don’t overly like it.

This is getting to be more of a walkthrough than a review, and hence huge. You should read it in six instalments or something, once every eight hours, after lunch. Anyway, I entered this room and there was some writing on the wall. There were three arrows and names next to them, that read Henry, Mildred and Scott. This is just screaming “initials”, but I don’t know what it means. Oh, there’s a clock behind me. Duh, Hour, Minute, Second. Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen the easiest riddle level. I can’t open the face but it doesn’t surprise me any more, this game is quite retarded in that respect. Instead of forcing it open, being the 200-pound man that I am, I will go around searching for the key. That’s what I would do in real life, anyway. At least make the damn clock out of titanium or something, I bet I could force the plate open with one finger! Many of you will argue “Yeah, but how else will the game advance?” Well, many of you are stupid (you think I don’t mean you but I do). All this takes away from my enjoyment, making the game less immersive. But I digress. I have ADD. Panties.

(to be continued…)

I am on the bus right now, continuing my odyssey of a journey towards home for the summer, like a swallow or something, except I’m not flying. And do you know how I know I’m not flying? Because if I was I wouldn’t have to put up with these whining pussies next to me. Now, I don’t like generalisation, and just as I wouldn’t like a woman to say “Men are pigs” I’m not going to say “Women are whiners”, but these women sure are. By the way, forsooth the following are really actual things I indeed heard them say during the trip, verily. Seriously though, they did say everything in the list below. Except that last thing, which I added to make them look bad. But it doesn’t, now, because I told you it is fake, so what’s the point in adding it? Oh well, I’ll add it anyway to make it longer.

1. “Oh my god, the rest stop is closed. OMGOMGOMGOMG THE HORRAR! I NEED TO PEE! I NEED TO EAT! I NEED TO BROSH MY HARE!” Shut the fuck up, woman, you ate yesterday! The fucking stop is closed, deal with it.
2. “Omg the driver should just go instead of waiting here omg why is he waiting omg the stop is closed omg I will complane to teh preseident!” The driver is fucking waiting for people to get on the bus, bitch, what the hell! Although, good idea, he should just go. Hey, is that a restroom down there? Go pee, sure you have time.
3. “Omg teh drivar is going 2 fast 2 furious!!111one”. Oh no, he’s not doing 10 km/h, stop the presses! You were still going to complain if you were late, so it’s a lose/lose situation for the driver.
4. “Omg my ticket has no name on it, what if I lose it, then anyone can claim it! They should write the name on the ticket”. That is an ingenious idea, actually. They should write the name on the ticket. But you shouldn’t complain when you get carded and logged getting a fucking ticket because they have to write your fucking dumbass name on it. Don’t lose the ticket, skank! It’s not as hard as it sounds, Try it. I’ve done it lots of times.
5. “I suck cock.”

I feel much better now. It was either writing this or killing the crazy bitches. They don’t know it, but they are very very lucky my laptop battery wasn’t dead.

Postscriptum: The driver is actually going a bit too fast. I hope I live to post this. Well, if you’re reading this I probably did, so I’m glad.

Here we are again, after the Dio/Twisted Sister/Anthrax/Katatonia/(almost) Zyklon concert. Zyklon didn’t get to play because a member of the band got injured (I don’t know which one), so I have no idea what they were like, but I bet they were really good. Katatonia were great, they had some good songs, I shall be listening to them more in the near future. Anthrax I wasn’t all that familiar with, they were OK I guess. Twisted Sister were also good, if a bit gay. And now, to the band I went to the concert for.

DIO

Unfortunately, the English language (or any other language for that matter) lacks the words to describe how much Dio rocked. Therefore, I have perforce invented my own language to write this review in, most of the words of which mean “awesome” but in a much higher degree. Also unfortunately, noone of you would understand this language if I wrote in it, because it is newly invented (duh), and also I have not invented writing for Porolanguage yet.

I know I promised a review, and I don’t want to let you down like a certain band that rhymes with Miron Aiden did by not singing a song that rhymes with Dear of the Fark. Instead, we at Porocrom shall provide you with a torrent of pictures and videos of the concert, including videos of Dio singing Egypt, Man on the Silver Mountain and Holy Diver. You can expect the torrent in September, because we don’t have the resources at the moment.

Unfortunately, Ronnie James Dio was unavailable for comment because he left immediately after the concert, and we could not get a statement for the readers of Porocrom (both of them). Oh well, maybe we’ll get something from Scorpions.

Here I am, on the ship to Athens to attend the Dio concert and then go home. I am bored out of my mind, so I will play as much of Silent Hill 2 as I can (I heard it is too frightening to play) and I will recount my experience to you so you will be sad and wiser men, like the wedding guest in that poem. LET THE BEGINMENT COMMENCE! By the way, if you haven’t played this game, I think it’s fair to assume that it will contain spoilers, since it’s a game review.

OK, now I am at a city with no people at all. I’m in a bathroom that looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in centuries (no wonder really, since there’s noone here). Apparently my wife sent me a letter, but she’s dead. Wow, I wouldn’t want to pay the postage on that. She’s telling me to meet in “our special place”. What the hell bitch, you sent me a letter from the beyond, can’t you at least tell me where you want us to meet? You always pulled that shit when you were alive, too. “Honey, I’ll be ready in five minutes”. An hour later, you still hadn’t decided on a fucking dress. I hate you, bitch. Anyway, I remember that and I run to the descending stairs but I remember that I have to get a map from the car. Fair enough, the car’s like, next to me, anyway. I get the map and run down the stairs. There’s a path here. How the hell can there be a path here since there are no people or anything? Oh well, I run down the path and the view changes, I think someone is watching me. Or maybe not.

Oh, there’s a house. Ooo, graves, I love graves. There’s a woman here, she’s telling me not to go to Silent Hill because dead people send letters from there, apparently the post office is really good. I agree personally, but my character wants to go find his wife even if he dies. Pussywhiped asshole. Just kill yourself now and go join her. Anyway, I will play along for now.

I run a bit towards Silent Hill and find a chainsaw. Cool, chainsaws are great, you can chop wood and zombies. Mostly zombies though. I run a bit more, and here we are, Silent Hill. By the way, what is up with this fog? There’s even fog inside the buildings, how is that even possible? Hmm, where do I go from here? This park thing is underlined on the map, so away I go. Damn, there’s no road this way. There was a road, but it is currently a cliff, and I can’t even walk to the edge of it. This is stupid, but oh well, it’s a cliff, so I’ll let this one go.

Let’s find another route. Oh cool, this way is marked as impassable on the map. I’ll run this other way, surely that’ll be open. Hmm, there’s some police tape here. Wait a minute. I can’t get past it. I am a grown man armed with a chainsaw, and I can’t get past some police tape? Oh yeah, way to go there, developers. There goes my immersion. Of course, I didn’t have a lot to speak of, since I’m writing while I play. I’ll find another way. Ooo, a zombie. Damn, my character goes “What is that shadow? It bothers me” and refuses to walk that way. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT SHADOW IS, EINSTEIN, YOU’RE IN A ZOMBIE GAME. Now quit your whining and walk. Damn him, he won’t. Oh well, another way.

After lots of shit I get to a small tunnel. I find a radio there, and there’s a zombie there. I pick up a piece of wood (wow, hold the phone. A piece of wood? I HAVE A FUCKING CHAINSAW. What the hell) and pwn him. I take the radio which emits static whenever zombies are near (either zombies emit electromagnetic waves or the radio is MAGICAL! I’ll go with the latter) and move on. I get to a motorhome and find a note inside. The note says “I’ll be waiting at BAR (something)”. Does this game really expect me to run to that bar as soon as I find that note? There hasn’t been anyone in this town for years, it’s not like I’m going to be late for my date. Hmm, I think it actually does expect me to do that, the bar is circled on the map, and since there’s nowhere else to go, I’ll bite.

I leave zombies alone, they don’t hurt me, I don’t hurt them, and besides, I’m too fast for them to hurt me. I tried to get near one to say hi once and it farted all over me, rude bastards all of them. Also, I HATE how you can’t Alt+Tab out of the game and I have to quit to write something. Nice loading times though (close to zero actually).

OK, get this: The bar is closed! How is anyone going to wait in a closed bar? Way to go, Neely, you shouldn’t expect my business again any time soon. Oh, wait, there is a way to get in the bar after all. One of the side-doors opens. There’s a map in here with some strange shit on it. How convenient. There’s also a cash register (with no cash in it) and writing on the wall. It says “There was a HOLE here. It’s gone now”. Strange, that’s what my friend said after her female-to-male sex change operation. I met some generic, garden variety, run of the mill, common zombies. These zombies have no distinguishing features, and their arms are glued to their body, as if they were wearing a straitjacket. By the way, what kind of a bullshit attack is this fart thing anyway? I don’t think there’s health in this game, I don’t see a counter or anything (although there are these ketchup bottle things you can drink to restore health, what the fuck) so this is the most useless attack ever, all it does is startle you and make your clothes stink while the zombie bumps on you slightly! FEAR THE BUMPING ATTACK! I’m going to get a bit more sadistic and switch the chainsaw for the piece of wood (yes), since the chainsaw doesn’t provide much of a spectacle, they just die.

(to be continued…)

Over the last few years there has been a quietly simmering feud developing between two major political powers. It centers around two men with similar ambitions and abilities. Well-known to the public eye, these two men have taken a recent back seat in the theatre of world politics; however, it is only a matter of time before the feud between these two man surfaces explosively with potentially disasterous sociopolitical results.

I refer, of course, to Optimus Prime and Inspector Gadget.

Little is known about the private lives of either of these men. Both large-scale figures in the after-school and Saturday morning law enforcement, both with incredible powers of personal transformation. Experts can only speculate as to when these two men originally ran afoul of each other, but one thing is certain: the resulting battle would be one for the history books. At Porocrom, we keep a keen interest in global politics, and in that vein, we offer this comparison between these two men in a BATTLE FOR TRANSFORMER SUPREMACY.

Let’s see how these two men stack up.

Weaponry

Round one winner: Optimus Prime

Running crew

Round two winner: Inspector Gadget

The enemy

Sun Tzu says “The strength of a warrior may be measured by the strength of his adversary”[1]. In order to accurately gauge the respective power of these two men, we must examine their arch nemesiseses. Nemeses? Bad guys…

Round three winner: Tied

So perhaps we shall never know the true outcome of this global struggle. Inspector Gadget has a van that turns into a sports car. Optimus Prime IS a vehicle. Can super-stretchy arms stand up to a no-nonsense voice and a heart of plutonium? Luckily it is highly unlikely that these two men will clash in our lifetime. And, dear reader, that’s just Prime…

¹ That’s a lie… I totally made that up. But as if you would have known if I hadn’t said anything!