Porocrom’s Crappaper

Yes folks, it’s time for another edition of…

This week I’ll be talking about one of my favourite “Oh yeah” bands. You know the kind of band where you hear a song on the radio and you say “Oh yeah, I remember these guys!” Bands that for whatever reason dropped off the radar, but left a legacy of great songs by which to be remembered. The band I’ve selected for your reminiscing pleasure this time is the band The Odds.

The song you will probably remember the most (if you were into alt-rock in the mid-late 90s) is the song Someone who is Cool

In natural selection I’ve avoided all detection and the tender bits underneath
All with window dressing and calculated guessing and a heart bigger than my sleeve
It was the suit that got me the gig
It was the tear that got me the girl
I’m a sheep in this wolf’s clothing
I’m a picture that I’m holding of someone who is cool

I heard that song and decided to grab up as many of their songs as I could. I was most pleasantly surprised. The music is an eclectic blend of rock and pop, and no two songs are the same, unlike some bands who subscribe very strictly to one style. They’re not overly complex or deeply musically brilliant, like Tool or the Pumpkins, but their music definitely has a quality to it that defies boredom.

In true Crommunist style, the thing that most impressed me was the quality of the lyrics. Without being overly funny, the lyrics are light-hearted and clever, even in deep and somber songs. The best example I can think of comes from the song Last Drink:

Carrying your ashes from bar to bar,
I’m in a mess, you’re in a Mason jar.
With you under my arm like a football,
I’m not ready to let go, and that is all.
You were never too big on conversation
And that hasn’t changed much since your cremation

A lot of their appeal surely comes from the nostalgia factor, but The Odds are definitely worth a look. They are easy-to-listen toe-tapping songs. Don’t expect anything prolific or life-changing, but you can’t go wrong with these guys.

Songs to check out (Numbers 1-4 were released as singles)

1. Someone who is cool
2. The Truth Untold
3. It Falls Apart
4. Eat my Brain
5. Last Drink
6. Smokescreen
7. Radios of Heaven
8. Break the Bed

Over this summer, one thing has become abundantly clear. We can send a group of people into the cold recesses of space and have them safely return. We can propel ourselves in cars that run on dead animals. We can look at the fundamental particles of matter and discern their natures in one room, then two rooms down examine with eerie accuracy the nature of star systems billions of kilometers away. Science has accomplished a great many things in terms of understanding the nature of the world in which we live. However, as I have said, this summer has revealed a tragic flaw in the weave of our mantle of scientific superiority. We can’t predict the weather worth a flying fuck.

From what I can figure, the weather is predicted by a group of suspicious hippie psychic witch doctors (called meteorologists because as everyone knows, weather is caused by meteors). These highly-trained crackpots use a variety of methods to make predictions about the weather. We here at Porocrom have infiltrated the group, and will report the various means these crazies have at their disposal.

1) Avian Augury
This is an age-old practice of prophesy utilizing the inspection of the entrails of chickens. Contrary to popular belief it is chickens, not dogs or horses, that are the first to know when the weather changes. We’re not sure how studying their entrails helps, but they must write it down somewhere. Previous attempts to use verbal communication with chickens has led to such calamitous events as the fall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the massacres of the French Revolution, and the resurgence of Boy Bands.

2) Magic 8 Ball
This is the one that doesn’t contain narcotics. The 8-Ball can produce a variety of answers. It is used to produce day-to-day forecasts. Here is an example of how a forecast is compiled in this manner.

Meteorologist: Magic 8-ball, will it rain on Thursday? (Shakes ball like a Parkinson’s patient trying to open his medication)
8-Ball: Concentrate and ask again
M: Will it rain on Thursday? (Shakes ball like a toddler trying to stabilize an unbalanced washing machine)
8: Signs point to yes
M: Will it be hot? (Shakes it like a Polaroid picture)
8: My sources say no
M: Will it be windy? (Shakes it like a squirrel testing a walnut at the chocolate factory)
8: Yes, definitely
M: Will frogs materialize from thin air and cause massive property damage? (Shakes it like a hooker trying to raise bus fare)
8: It is decidedly so

And so, our forecast for Thursday becomes cloudy with rainy periods beginning mid-afternoon, with frogs predicted overnight, a high of 21 degrees.

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3) Darts
Environment Canada has a big dart board with colourful pictures of weather conditions set up in their main office. They will, in a moment of unbuttoned indecision, fire a dart at said board to produce their 5-day forecast.

4) Demonic soothsaying
Who doesn’t love a little certainty in their life? You’re planning that oh-so-important family outing, and you want to be SURE that aunt Linda’s brand new hat doesn’t get rained on? Do it like the pros do. Summon a demon from the nether planes of the ethereal and demand an accurate forecast of the day’s weather in exchange for the innocent lifeblood of a newborn. Demon forecasts, as everyone knows, are over 95% accurate, or your immortal soul back.

5) The old-fashioned way
When all else fails, look out the window.

With this many methods at our disposal, it is a great mystery to me why we can’t seem to get it right. Perhaps as science marches on, we will be able to figure out that when there are clouds in the sky, it’s gonna rain… or maybe we just need to find more meteors.

Courtroom dramas. You know, those series/movies on TV where people are in a courtroom. What about courtroom dramas, you might ask. I will tell you what about courtroom dramas, I will answer. I hate courtroom dramas. And by the time I’m done, I will have used the phrase “courtroom dramas” so many times that you will hate it too, because it will have stopped sounding like a phrase and it will sound all weird in your mind.

I was watching Law and Order a few minutes ago, it’s over now. I don’t mean that old one, I mean the one with the hot blonde chick whom I would vow I would have sex with if she wasn’t so old, because now by the time I get to have sex with her she will be a hundred years old, and I don’t do old women. Except Kate Beckinsale, I’d do Kate Beckinsale even if she was 200. Anyway, I don’t even know if it was Law and Order, it is the one that intermittently shows a big black screen with white letters that describe the current place and this sound goes dan dan and you shit your pants, because it’s that cool.

While watching that, I realised how stupid and gullible all the guilty people are. Below is an actual conversation from a movie which I have made up, but it will be from a movie when I film it. Anyhow, it is quite representative of all the other courtroom dramas.

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, did you kill Mrs. Doe?
Accused: You have no evidence! I have an alibi! I was at a party that night! You will never convict me!
Lawyer: Please answer with “yes” or “no”.
Other lawyer: Objection, Your Honour! Speculating!
His Honour: Sustained. Please focus on facts, or I will have you in contempt, bitch!
Lawyer: Mr. Smith, did you not kill Mrs. Doe?
Accused: (Starts to cry) She wouldn’t leave me alone! She was always ordering me “mail this” and “do that” and “call him” and “set me an appointment for 8 pm”!
Lawyer: You were her secretary! You were her secretary and you couldn’t handle that, could you? That’s why when she went to the bathroom you put three gallons of industrial solvent in her coffee, isn’t it? {font-size: smaller} Even though we have no evidence of that because her body was never found. Come to think of it, we don’t even know if she’s dead, she might be on vacation somewhere. But that is irrelevant. You couldn’t take the pressure so you killed her, didn’t you?
Accused: (Sobbing) YES! YES! I CONFESS, ALL RIGHT? Even though your lack of evidence is phenomenal and my full-time job is an actor I cannot take your unfounded accusations any more. I would rather die in the electric chair than refuse to answer for a minute until you go away! (More tears, someone isn’t using Johnson’s Baby Shampoo)

Just think how much simpler life would be if everyone acted like those shows. For example, if you suspect your wife faked an orgasm, you could go with this:

You: Honey, did you orgasm just now?
She: Oh yes baby, it was great. My pudendum feels like sunshine and butterflies now.
You: You’re lying! You didn’t have an orgasm and so you faked one, didn’t you?!
She: (In tears) OKAY! I ADMIT IT! IT WAS ALL A LIE! ALL THESE SECONDS, NONE OF IT WAS TRUE! BOOHOO!

Oh yes, life would be much simpler, like in biblical times when God told you it was going to rain and you built a giant boat instead of a giant umbrella… Ah, those were the days. But I digress. There was one movie I actually liked, the one with Tom Cruise and Demi Moore and Jack Nicholson. DID YOU ORDER A CODE RED? YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID, BITCH! That movie was nice. And this post comes to an end like a car hitting a wall. And by that I mean that you survive unscathed but this post is no more. Also, abruptly.

A few monts ago I went to some concerts, and I promised you pictures and videos. Well, here they are. This is a BitTorrent file, to download it you need a client such as Azureus (user guide here). Then, you have to download this torrent file and open it with your client, and it will start downloading. It is 700 MB and my bandwidth sucks, so please please please leave the file open after it’s done so that other people can download from you. The file includes 65 7.2 MPEL pictures and 13 MPEG videos of Scorpions, Dio, Twisted Sister, Anthrax and Katatonia.

Update: The torrent is going down. There is currently one more leecher on it and as soon as he finishes I will stop seeding. Noone is helping me and I have uploaded about 6 GB on a 128 kbit connection. The tracker is going to be up for a week, in which time if there are no seeders I will close that too.

Yesterday, Porocrom turned an astounding one year old. This lofty accomplishment vaulted the site into the vaunted “Lasted Longer than the Macarena” club. At this time, Poromenos and I would like to take you back over the many exciting events that have taken place over the past year, as we look at…

Porocrom, a Year in Review

August 19th, 2004: Porocrom’s Crappaper is launched as a reaction to every “My lonely existence in the shadow of life” weblog in the world. This inauspicious does not go unnoticed by the scientific community; global awesomeness monitoring stations report sharp peaks on their instruments.

August 24th: Isolated women around the world report spontaneous pregnancy after reading Porocrom. Crommunist denies any connection, but does so with a smirk on his face. Poromenos marries first wife, Daniela Urzi.

August 26th: Poromenos and Urzi divorce. A lawyer for Urzi says “my client found herself unable to stop orgasming, which made her modeling career quite difficult.” Urzi family devastated.

September 16th: Representatives for Black Sabbath, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Dio, Scorpions, Smashing Pumpkins and the Backstreet Boys release statements claiming that Crommunist actually wrote all of their best songs by rocking so hard that he travelled back in time. Crommunist neither confirms nor denies most of the claims, but vehemently denies any involvement with “those no-shirted nancy boy-band spawn”.

September 17th: Poromenos and new wife Elisha Cuthbert seen mid-coitus in the Throne Room of Buckingham Palace. An unrepentant Poromenos is knighted later that day.

September 24th: Poromenos and Cuthbert divorce. Cuthbert releases the following statement: Poromenos is so potent that I am currently pregnant with 3 children, each 2 years apart.” Cuthbert family overwhelmed.

October 1st: Unbeknownst to the rest of the planet, Poromenos and Crommunist manage to stave off an alien invasion force by playing Bjork at high volume over subspace frequencies. In the language of the planet Bjork comes from (Ysslhaund VII), the music actually says “go away, there are no good nutrients here”.

October 31st: Hallowe’en! Everyone gets candy.

November 1st: Poromenos and Crommunist take well-deserved break from carefully monitoring world politics.

November 2nd: George W. Bush re-elected to United States Presidency.

Novermber 3rd: Poromenos and Crommunist release the following statement: “It is abundantly clear that the world cannot do without our constant vigilance. We vow to never let anything like this happen again.”

November 20th: Poromenos and Crommunist nominated for: Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Nobel Prize, Booker Prize, Pulitzer Prize, Purple Heart, Green Clover, Red Balloon, Iron Cross, and the presidency of Burundi. On hand to receive the awards are Crommunist and Poromenos’ new wife Kate Beckinsale. Poromenos was unable to receive award due to being tired out from long night with Lori Loughlin and Kathleen Robertson.

November 30th: Poromenos and Beckinsale divorce. Beckinsale family intermittent.

December 24th: Poromenos and Crommunist save Santa Claus from terrorist kidnapping plot. Behind schedule, Claus begs the duo to help him save Christmas. Working through the night, the three manage to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world. They still have something in their sack for the bad girls of the world… but only those over 18…

January ???, 2005: Due to time-warping effects of Crommunist’s rocking skills, a day in the Western calendar is devoured by a ravenous chronologic beast, which is summarily defeated by Crommunist. The calendar is saved, but all days in it are actually one day ahead, so this post isn’t a day late… trust me.

April 2nd, 2005: Pope John Paul II dies in Vatican. Poromenos and Crommunist deny any responsibility.

April 4th: In secret conference in Vatican catacombs, council of bishops beg Poromenos and Crommunist to ascend the now empty Papal throne. Poromenos refuses vow of celibacy, Crommunist says “I don’t do hats…”.

April 19th: In compromise, Pope Benedict XVI is elected, but Rome changes name to PorocRome.

May 3rd: Poromenos weds new brides Kathy Evison and Jeniffer Love Hewitt in semi-legal Mormon ceremony in Salt Lake City. Poromenos is confident that “This marriage is the one. This will last forever.” Divorce papers are signed before cake is cut. Evison family masticated, Hewitt family deported.

July 1st: Canada Day. Fireworks and Beaver Tails. Who can resist?

July 27th: Beckinsale and Poromenos reconcile after he saves her from ravenous dragon with sword of legends and magic amulet. Beckinsale declares herself more in love than ever. They live happily ever after. Crommunist, as best man, gets drunk at wedding and inadvertantly discovers cure for lupus erythematosus.

It’s been a long and exciting road this past year. We look forward to continuing to provide you with a high quality of entertainment. If you keep reading it, we’ll keep writing it. Thanks to all the Porocrom fans who have been with us since day one… well… day 7 or 8 when we actually started advertising…