Nerds. You’ve heard about them. They’re people who have an unnatural love for Star Trek Wars (or whatever that’s called), ADnD(Advanced Dungeons and Dragons), Anime and/or other nerdy stuff. It is not that love that makes them nerds though. Rather, it is their obsession to use uncommon terms for common expressions. For example:

NP(Normal Person): Wow, what you did was really cool.
ND(Nerd): Wow, dude, you just gained 2000 exp and became a level 5 Druid!

NP(Normal Person): Damn, it’s too dark in here. Let me get the lights.
ND(Nerd): Alas, my evil mom has cast level 2 Darkness in here. I will cast Dispel magic and Holy Light immediately.

NP(Normal Person): Good luck with your exams.
ND(Nerd): Don’t worry, I will cast Bless and Sagacity on you, you’ll ace the exams.

NP(Normal Person): That guy just kicked that other guy’s ass!
ND(Nerd): Dude, there was this dude, he was huge, like Darth Sidious was in SWIV[1], and he fought an epic battle with that other dude who totally looked like a Jedi and won!

NP(Normal Person): You son of a bitch, I hate you.
ND(Nerd): (Japanese-sounding words)

NP(Normal Person): Dude, what the hell are you doing?
ND(Nerd): Shh, this place is crawling with dwarves, I’m trying to sneak up on them.
NP(Normal Person): Why the hell am I friends with you?

I have always thought that nerds would have horns, or a big sign that reads “nerd” stamped on their forehead, but they don’t. That makes it really hard for you to know if someone is a nerd at first glance, but once you talk to them, you’ll know right away. I have met many in my life, and they look like normal people. This is quite insidious of them, and I believe that they are plotting to take over the world. Imagine a world where Klingon is an official language, and you will immediately realise that these people must be stopped. Therefore, I propose these measures to stop their spread.

  1. The creators of Star Trek, Star Wars, ADnD and the entire Japanese people should be packed up in a huge spaceship (which the Japanese will design, because, let’s face it, if anyone can do that, it’s they) and launched off to a galaxy far, far away. The Star Wars fans will be particularly glad to be part of this venture, because they’ll think they can go where Star Wars took place, but we’ll have tricked them and it will be a galaxy slightly further away than the Star Wars galaxy.

Efficiency: 8/10. Some nerds may realise my devious plan and refuse to go.
Difficulty: 7/10. Building the huge spaceships quite hard, but it’s the Japanese people’s job to build it, and they will probably build it by themselves eventually anyway.
Style: 9/10. You have to admit, sending them to their demise with their full consent and making them want it is pretty damn stylish.
  1. We could get the finest genetic engineers currently available to create a virus that only spreads to nerds and restores them to the normal human state. It would be easier to kill them, but this adds more style points. As for a cure, we haven’t even been able to cure the common flu yet, what makes you think that a bunch of 16-year-olds will find the cure to this virus?

Efficiency: 10/10. The virus will get everyone and make no mistakes.
Difficulty: 6/10. Do you know how hard it is to get good genetic engineers these days? I tried when I wanted to make a lollipop tree and, let me tell you, it didn’t work. The engineers were French and the interpreter mistranslated “lollipop” to “blowjob”. That is one great tree though, I made millions from renting it to people.
Style: 11/10. A virus that cures people? That is the awesomest thing ever.
  1. Another alternative is to capture all the writers of all the shows and anime everywhere and make them write new stories where every character in the book commits suicide goes to live with their parents. I realise that all nerds still live with their parents, but they don’t overly like it and that will make all those shows uncool and the nerds will just snap out of it.

Efficiency: 5/10. The smarter ones might not buy it. Those may even have girlfriends.
Difficulty: 1/10. Kidnap some people, you’re done.
Style: 6/10. It’s not particularly clever or original, many people have thought of doing it before. Noone had the guts though.
  1. Last (but certainly not least) is the old “if you don’t want to beat them, take advantage of them”. We can round all the nerds up and make them work for us. Just put them all on a treadmill with a naked picture of some hot Japanese woman in front of them and bam, we have solved the energy problem as they run to violate her with their tentacles.

Efficiency: 9/10. It’s two birds with one stone, you get rid of the problem while making it work for you.
Difficulty: 5/10. All you have to do is round them up, but many might realise that they can’t catch the Japanese woman after a few thousand miles of running and leave.
Style: 3/10. A place crawling with nerds? I wouldn’t want to have to manage that (but I’m probably going to have to :-().

1 P.S. I do not claim that all the names and shit in this post are correct, I haven’t seen any Star Wars movies and only two Star Trek episodes. So if Darth Sidious is some tiny dwarf and/or not in Episode 4, George Lucas is wrong.