Courtroom dramas. You know, those series/movies on TV where people are in a courtroom. What about courtroom dramas, you might ask. I will tell you what about courtroom dramas, I will answer. I hate courtroom dramas. And by the time I’m done, I will have used the phrase “courtroom dramas” so many times that you will hate it too, because it will have stopped sounding like a phrase and it will sound all weird in your mind.

I was watching Law and Order a few minutes ago, it’s over now. I don’t mean that old one, I mean the one with the hot blonde chick whom I would vow I would have sex with if she wasn’t so old, because now by the time I get to have sex with her she will be a hundred years old, and I don’t do old women. Except Kate Beckinsale, I’d do Kate Beckinsale even if she was 200. Anyway, I don’t even know if it was Law and Order, it is the one that intermittently shows a big black screen with white letters that describe the current place and this sound goes dan dan and you shit your pants, because it’s that cool.

While watching that, I realised how stupid and gullible all the guilty people are. Below is an actual conversation from a movie which I have made up, but it will be from a movie when I film it. Anyhow, it is quite representative of all the other courtroom dramas.

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, did you kill Mrs. Doe?
Accused: You have no evidence! I have an alibi! I was at a party that night! You will never convict me!
Lawyer: Please answer with “yes” or “no”.
Other lawyer: Objection, Your Honour! Speculating!
His Honour: Sustained. Please focus on facts, or I will have you in contempt, bitch!
Lawyer: Mr. Smith, did you not kill Mrs. Doe?
Accused: (Starts to cry) She wouldn’t leave me alone! She was always ordering me “mail this” and “do that” and “call him” and “set me an appointment for 8 pm”!
Lawyer: You were her secretary! You were her secretary and you couldn’t handle that, could you? That’s why when she went to the bathroom you put three gallons of industrial solvent in her coffee, isn’t it? {font-size: smaller} Even though we have no evidence of that because her body was never found. Come to think of it, we don’t even know if she’s dead, she might be on vacation somewhere. But that is irrelevant. You couldn’t take the pressure so you killed her, didn’t you?
Accused: (Sobbing) YES! YES! I CONFESS, ALL RIGHT? Even though your lack of evidence is phenomenal and my full-time job is an actor I cannot take your unfounded accusations any more. I would rather die in the electric chair than refuse to answer for a minute until you go away! (More tears, someone isn’t using Johnson’s Baby Shampoo)

Just think how much simpler life would be if everyone acted like those shows. For example, if you suspect your wife faked an orgasm, you could go with this:

You: Honey, did you orgasm just now?
She: Oh yes baby, it was great. My pudendum feels like sunshine and butterflies now.
You: You’re lying! You didn’t have an orgasm and so you faked one, didn’t you?!
She: (In tears) OKAY! I ADMIT IT! IT WAS ALL A LIE! ALL THESE SECONDS, NONE OF IT WAS TRUE! BOOHOO!

Oh yes, life would be much simpler, like in biblical times when God told you it was going to rain and you built a giant boat instead of a giant umbrella… Ah, those were the days. But I digress. There was one movie I actually liked, the one with Tom Cruise and Demi Moore and Jack Nicholson. DID YOU ORDER A CODE RED? YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID, BITCH! That movie was nice. And this post comes to an end like a car hitting a wall. And by that I mean that you survive unscathed but this post is no more. Also, abruptly.