Over this summer, one thing has become abundantly clear. We can send a group of people into the cold recesses of space and have them safely return. We can propel ourselves in cars that run on dead animals. We can look at the fundamental particles of matter and discern their natures in one room, then two rooms down examine with eerie accuracy the nature of star systems billions of kilometers away. Science has accomplished a great many things in terms of understanding the nature of the world in which we live. However, as I have said, this summer has revealed a tragic flaw in the weave of our mantle of scientific superiority. We can’t predict the weather worth a flying fuck.

From what I can figure, the weather is predicted by a group of suspicious hippie psychic witch doctors (called meteorologists because as everyone knows, weather is caused by meteors). These highly-trained crackpots use a variety of methods to make predictions about the weather. We here at Porocrom have infiltrated the group, and will report the various means these crazies have at their disposal.

1) Avian Augury
This is an age-old practice of prophesy utilizing the inspection of the entrails of chickens. Contrary to popular belief it is chickens, not dogs or horses, that are the first to know when the weather changes. We’re not sure how studying their entrails helps, but they must write it down somewhere. Previous attempts to use verbal communication with chickens has led to such calamitous events as the fall of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the massacres of the French Revolution, and the resurgence of Boy Bands.

2) Magic 8 Ball
This is the one that doesn’t contain narcotics. The 8-Ball can produce a variety of answers. It is used to produce day-to-day forecasts. Here is an example of how a forecast is compiled in this manner.

Meteorologist: Magic 8-ball, will it rain on Thursday? (Shakes ball like a Parkinson’s patient trying to open his medication)
8-Ball: Concentrate and ask again
M: Will it rain on Thursday? (Shakes ball like a toddler trying to stabilize an unbalanced washing machine)
8: Signs point to yes
M: Will it be hot? (Shakes it like a Polaroid picture)
8: My sources say no
M: Will it be windy? (Shakes it like a squirrel testing a walnut at the chocolate factory)
8: Yes, definitely
M: Will frogs materialize from thin air and cause massive property damage? (Shakes it like a hooker trying to raise bus fare)
8: It is decidedly so

And so, our forecast for Thursday becomes cloudy with rainy periods beginning mid-afternoon, with frogs predicted overnight, a high of 21 degrees.

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3) Darts
Environment Canada has a big dart board with colourful pictures of weather conditions set up in their main office. They will, in a moment of unbuttoned indecision, fire a dart at said board to produce their 5-day forecast.

4) Demonic soothsaying
Who doesn’t love a little certainty in their life? You’re planning that oh-so-important family outing, and you want to be SURE that aunt Linda’s brand new hat doesn’t get rained on? Do it like the pros do. Summon a demon from the nether planes of the ethereal and demand an accurate forecast of the day’s weather in exchange for the innocent lifeblood of a newborn. Demon forecasts, as everyone knows, are over 95% accurate, or your immortal soul back.

5) The old-fashioned way
When all else fails, look out the window.

With this many methods at our disposal, it is a great mystery to me why we can’t seem to get it right. Perhaps as science marches on, we will be able to figure out that when there are clouds in the sky, it’s gonna rain… or maybe we just need to find more meteors.