Porocrom’s Crappaper

I watched the news today, and they said something about a new reality show where these fat chicks go and pretend they’re thin. That struck me as an unbelievably hypocritical and desperate thing to do. This woman was saying how she’s more of a woman than thin women and crap like that.

That pisses me off. If I’m fat, I’m fat. If it bothers me so much, I’ll go on a diet and/or work out, I won’t go around pretending that society is wrong and that it’s fat people who are beautiful and thin people who are ugly. All these women are saying is “Hey, I know I’m fat, but I’m too lazy and don’t have the willpower to go on a diet, so I’ll just convince everyone that having many many extra pounds is sexy and being thin is ugly”.

This one chick was dancing around in some tiny lingerie and complaining about how the pole was ready to collapse. I don’t find a whale twirling around a flagpole sexy, sorry. I’m sure she’ll kick me in the nuts for saying that, and I mean she will literally come to my house and kick me in the nuts. She looks mean.

Society has its standards, deal with it. If you find someone who likes you for/despite of being overweight, more power to you, but don’t go around preaching that thin women should eat their hearts out to become beautiful. You have to be really, really shallow if you can’t find one good attribute in yourself to highlight and instead focus on changing the way others perceive your bad attributes. If I’m overweight, I’ll put more emphasis on showing how great a guy I am instead of telling people “no, I’m thin, there must be something wrong with your eyes”.

I’ve known many women who are fat (and I’m not talking about a few extra pounds, that’s nothing. I’m talking 100+) and are very fun to be with. They don’t let their weight hinder them in anything and they don’t obsess about it. Instead, they just have fun, and in turn that makes them fun. I wouldn’t want to hang out with the women in that show even if they were thin, because I bet if they were they would be snobbish and just look down upon women with a few more pounds.

So, I’m sorry, but you’re just fat. Deal with it, you mean bitch. Stop eating. Stop bitching about how fat you are and trying to convince everyone that people have the wrong standards. If you were thin, would you practice what you preach and go out with a fat guy? I seriously doubt it. Bitch.

If you have a blog and can’t find anything to write, read a woman’s magazine. They’re so full of crap that they’re guaranteed to make you puke and share your hate for them with the world. This is the case of this post. I just found one of my sister’s magazines lying around, so I thought “I’ll just read this for a bit, maybe it will give me some insight in women”. Well, the only insight it gave me is that women (actually it’s just that particular writer, but I figure if that magazine stereotypes men and sells that well, I’ll stereotype women, it can’t hurt) are unbelievably and mind-bogglingly stupid.

It was a column about sex advice or sex situations (I doubt that even the writer knows exactly) that dealt with what happens if you do certain things (or people). For example, one of the cases was the “pity lay”, where you have sex with someone you don’t really want to, just because you kinda like them. Her conclusion was that it is very wrong and that “you come to when someone on you yells something like ‘I’m coming’ and you feel so relieved it’s over that you will almost want to kiss him — but you don’t”. That’s cool, I can agree with that. I don’t enjoy sex with women I don’t want to have sex with either. Very well so far.

In the next case, this piece of shit, this unbelievable dreck goes on to say something far more preposterous. Before I tell you what it is, I would like to note that I hate this magazine and its ilk. I would not even wipe my ass with it because my sphincter would be so offended that it would close up and kill me of shit poisoning. These abominations are even printed on glossy paper which takes forever to biodegrade. Anyway, the next case is about the “desperate lay”. In this case, a desperate woman gives a desperate man permission to do the unthinkable and have sex with her, even though normally she would be way too good for him, but, she is as we said, desperate. Wake-up call, bitch, if you were all that hot you wouldn’t be desperate in the first place, but I’ll let this one slide.

Anyway, the woman has sex with the man and realises that he just makes her give him lots of blowjobs and leaves her and never calls back. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? How low must your IQ be to think this? First of all, you ignorant, ignorant piece of shit of a writer, what kind of a desperate man would never call a woman he just had sex with back? Secondly, does it never cross your mind, before so ignorantly assuming that all men are evil, that there is a chance a desperate guy would be, you know, actually nice? And to top it all off, since when is sex something a woman gives? When two people have sex, they (hopefully) both consent to it, and they (again hopefully) both enjoy it. I fucking detest the notion that men beg women for sex, and women, being the noble creatures that they are, find it in their hearts to grace some poor man with their infinite kindness and allow him to have sex with them, something that women don’t enjoy at all, and, in fact, find somewhat distasteful.

Wake the fuck up. It’s the same for both men and women. Both the man and the woman were desperate. They had a night of desperate sex and probably both enjoyed it. If you know you’re not going to like the sex because the man is desperate, why not just spend the three fucking dollars to buy yourself a dildo and spare us the fucking crap? I must e-mail this bitch and give her a piece of my mind.

The rest of the article is about the same. It goes on endlessly talking about women as if they’re all hot and smart and wonderful people and men are the walking scum of the earth and they don’t deserve any woman. I’m thinking of rallying up all the men and agreeing not to have sex with any woman that has these views. Hey, she’s too good to have sex with men anyway. Or maybe the writer is a lesbian, in which case, forget I said anything.

Today is a big day for mankind. The space shuttle Discovery will probably land if they can discover why pieces of it keep detaching more often than like Michael Jackson’s nose, Jessica Simpson proclaimed Daisy Duke (whoever that is) an “iconish” (sic) figure, and I got rainbow-coloured socks with individual toes!

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But that’s not all. No sir, not by a long shot. You see, these socks have another perk. They have tiny red plastic feet on the bottom so you can walk barefoot and never lose your traction. I bet you could walk on ice with these socks and not fall (as long as there’s no water on the ice). They look great on men and I am guessing they look fantastic on women. I shall immediately convince a woman to wear these socks (and only them) and I will take pictures for your viewing pleasure. I will, however, pixellate the entire chick because this is a family site and children might be reading this, you sick motherfuckers. The socks will be visible though.

There should not be a single man without rainbow-coloured socks with individual toes. They are stylish, they are warm (actually not as warm as you’d think, they’re actually quite cool which is great for the summer because your feet don’t sweat and stink, and the ladies like that) and they’re just super leet. Everyone is jealous of my socks, so you must go out now and search for and buy a pair of these socks. Oh, and if you know where I can find a razor that’s like a switchblade, you know, the ones all the murderers threaten to cut people’s throats with in movies (not the blades women in bathtubs use to slit their wrists, I want the long one with the hilt) tell me, because I’ve been looking for one for ages.

Nerds. You’ve heard about them. They’re people who have an unnatural love for Star Trek Wars (or whatever that’s called), ADnD(Advanced Dungeons and Dragons), Anime and/or other nerdy stuff. It is not that love that makes them nerds though. Rather, it is their obsession to use uncommon terms for common expressions. For example:

NP(Normal Person): Wow, what you did was really cool.
ND(Nerd): Wow, dude, you just gained 2000 exp and became a level 5 Druid!

NP(Normal Person): Damn, it’s too dark in here. Let me get the lights.
ND(Nerd): Alas, my evil mom has cast level 2 Darkness in here. I will cast Dispel magic and Holy Light immediately.

NP(Normal Person): Good luck with your exams.
ND(Nerd): Don’t worry, I will cast Bless and Sagacity on you, you’ll ace the exams.

NP(Normal Person): That guy just kicked that other guy’s ass!
ND(Nerd): Dude, there was this dude, he was huge, like Darth Sidious was in SWIV[1], and he fought an epic battle with that other dude who totally looked like a Jedi and won!

NP(Normal Person): You son of a bitch, I hate you.
ND(Nerd): (Japanese-sounding words)

NP(Normal Person): Dude, what the hell are you doing?
ND(Nerd): Shh, this place is crawling with dwarves, I’m trying to sneak up on them.
NP(Normal Person): Why the hell am I friends with you?

I have always thought that nerds would have horns, or a big sign that reads “nerd” stamped on their forehead, but they don’t. That makes it really hard for you to know if someone is a nerd at first glance, but once you talk to them, you’ll know right away. I have met many in my life, and they look like normal people. This is quite insidious of them, and I believe that they are plotting to take over the world. Imagine a world where Klingon is an official language, and you will immediately realise that these people must be stopped. Therefore, I propose these measures to stop their spread.

1. The creators of Star Trek, Star Wars, ADnD and the entire Japanese people should be packed up in a huge spaceship (which the Japanese will design, because, let’s face it, if anyone can do that, it’s they) and launched off to a galaxy far, far away. The Star Wars fans will be particularly glad to be part of this venture, because they’ll think they can go where Star Wars took place, but we’ll have tricked them and it will be a galaxy slightly further away than the Star Wars galaxy.

Efficiency: 8/10. Some nerds may realise my devious plan and refuse to go.
Difficulty: 7/10. Building the huge spaceships quite hard, but it’s the Japanese people’s job to build it, and they will probably build it by themselves eventually anyway.
Style: 9/10. You have to admit, sending them to their demise with their full consent and making them want it is pretty damn stylish.

1. We could get the finest genetic engineers currently available to create a virus that only spreads to nerds and restores them to the normal human state. It would be easier to kill them, but this adds more style points. As for a cure, we haven’t even been able to cure the common flu yet, what makes you think that a bunch of 16-year-olds will find the cure to this virus?

Efficiency: 10/10. The virus will get everyone and make no mistakes.
Difficulty: 6/10. Do you know how hard it is to get good genetic engineers these days? I tried when I wanted to make a lollipop tree and, let me tell you, it didn’t work. The engineers were French and the interpreter mistranslated “lollipop” to “blowjob”. That is one great tree though, I made millions from renting it to people.
Style: 11/10. A virus that cures people? That is the awesomest thing ever.

1. Another alternative is to capture all the writers of all the shows and anime everywhere and make them write new stories where every character in the book commits suicide goes to live with their parents. I realise that all nerds still live with their parents, but they don’t overly like it and that will make all those shows uncool and the nerds will just snap out of it.

Efficiency: 5/10. The smarter ones might not buy it. Those may even have girlfriends.
Difficulty: 1/10. Kidnap some people, you’re done.
Style: 6/10. It’s not particularly clever or original, many people have thought of doing it before. Noone had the guts though.

1. Last (but certainly not least) is the old “if you don’t want to beat them, take advantage of them”. We can round all the nerds up and make them work for us. Just put them all on a treadmill with a naked picture of some hot Japanese woman in front of them and bam, we have solved the energy problem as they run to violate her with their tentacles.

Efficiency: 9/10. It’s two birds with one stone, you get rid of the problem while making it work for you.
Difficulty: 5/10. All you have to do is round them up, but many might realise that they can’t catch the Japanese woman after a few thousand miles of running and leave.
Style: 3/10. A place crawling with nerds? I wouldn’t want to have to manage that (but I’m probably going to have to :-().

¹ P.S. I do not claim that all the names and shit in this post are correct, I haven’t seen any Star Wars movies and only two Star Trek episodes. So if Darth Sidious is some tiny dwarf and/or not in Episode 4, George Lucas is wrong.