Porocrom’s Crappaper

I was walking past a house the other day, and I saw this sign that said “Beware of Dog”. I asked myself, “Hell, why do we even have dogs as guards in the first place?”. “That is a pretty damn valid question”, I answered. I kept talking to myself for a bit until this old hag thought I was schizophrenic or some shit so she called the cops so I had to get the fuck out of her house, and also that fucking dog mentioned in the sign started chasing me. But seriously.

Why do we have dogs as guards? They suck, you can kick them in the nuts and they go down like pussies. Even if they bite you, the most you’ll get is rabies, and then you can sue the fucking cunt that owns the dog for liability or some legal shit like that. That’s not very smart now, is it?

What we should do is get rats. Oh man, rats are the shit. Dump a dozen hungry rats in your apartment and no thief will ever dare get close. Include a “Beware of Rats” sign and you’re covered. Rats don’t need no stinkin cups, good luck finding the balls on a rat to kick him there, you need a magnifying lens or something. A rat’s only weakness is his low education level. Most rats aren’t very well educated, that’s why they make the perfect guards. They ask no questions, they obey whatever you tell them. Also, you can’t kill rats. You can stab them, shoot them, maim them, nothing, They just don’t fucking die! If you cut a rat’s tail off, the rat will grow a new tail, and, get this: A new rat grows from the tail. No other species can do that, except from that fish that looks like an asterisk, but what the hell are you going to do with an asterisk? Maybe write a footnote.

Also, if a rat bites you, you’re dead. Rats carry like, a gazillion diseases, so if you don’t die of the sheer ferocity of the bite, the AIDS is going to kill you for sure. Plus rats are awesome to look at. Have you seen a rat lately? They’re HUGE. Especially if you get rats the size of cats, those will scare the crap out of anyone. I know people who have died because of rat poisoning, and that’s even before they saw them! Rats are kickass.

Aww, isn’t that cute? HELL NO, THIS RAT IS DEADLY.

There are these old ladies who keep cats as guards. Fucking cats, man. What the fuck are cats going to do, scratch my leg? Fuck that shit. A rat can chew RIGHT THROUGH a cat in no time. Also the rat/cat ratio is huge, rats lay like 10 eggs a day while a cat only gets like, a kitten a year, and that’s if she’s a whore. What chances does a kitten stand versus 10 fully grown rats? Rats breed like rabbits, man, before you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, they’re ALL over the place. And their kids, and their grandkids. They’ve got a whole fucking nuclear family set up in your house. You don’t even have to buy a rat, just ask your friend to give you one. I’m telling you, you can’t go wrong with rats.

Look at this rat on the right. This rat has weapons. This rat is here to chew ass and chew bubble gum, and he doesn’t like ass. This rat will kill any dog he comes across. There are no dogs armed with RPGs. Hell, even if there were, they wouldn’t know how to use them, they’d just keep barking like the pussies they are. Only the Pekingese are somewhat leet, I have to hand it to them. The Pekingese will bark at everyone, and I mean fucking everyone. The Pekingese don’t care if you just fed them your last Oreo which was all you had to eat for a week, they’ll still bite your ass when you’re done. Only the Pekingese can stand up to a rat, but they still can’t use an RPG so they also suck ass.

A rat will never fail you. You can always count on a rat. If you’re stranded in the mountain and you have no food and are dying of the cold, the rat will run the fuck away from you to get some food and come back with his friends to eat you when you die. That’s fucking reliability. Even at those harsh conditions, the rats kick ass. If a boat is going to sink, rats are known to leave it by eating holes through its hull. They have foresight. Show me a dog that can predict the future! That’s right, no dogs can predict the fucking future. Useless.

P.S. This post contains gratuitous violence and copyrighted images and as such is not suitable for consumption.

Today I was browsing some forums, whence I encountered (“whence” is wrong in that sentence by the way, don’t go unwittingly using it in yours) the regular ilk of twelve year-olds who speak “liek thiz lolz ^_“. Do you seriously think that by spelling like that you retain any of the little credibility (or even dignity) you had left? I hate these people. While we were quietly discussing the specifics of the Python language (for those of you who don’t know, Python is a language spoken mainly by snakes in the deepest recesses of Africa, although now some other species, including humans, have learnt it and can converse rather fluently), along comes this clown, and goes:

hello can u tell me how 2 hack? i wnt 2 lrn how 2 hack plz kthx.

People that dumb shouldn’t be allowed in the gene pool. Step out of the pool now, and take your reproductive organs with you! Seriously, the huge overhead in writing that sentence is in thinking, which I am sure took him about five and a half hours, not writing it, which couldn’t have taken more than one. You save two minutes in writing and manage to look like a complete jackass, what a bargain!

I will start bludgeoning these people as I encounter. There’s always the old maxim of “If you don’t care enough to write it well, I sure as hell am not going to care enough to read it”, since these people never have anything important to say anyway, but that’s crap. It should be “If you don’t care enough to write it well, I sure as hell will cut your balls and feed them to you in an attempt to make sure you don’t breed”. Same goes for you girls, by the way, which I think are the bigger percentage of txt tlk users.

To aid in the quest of correct written speech, I have invented a new kind of keyboard. As you immediately notice when you look at it, it has about 500 buttons or so (I never bothered to count), and 479 of them are vowels. They are randomly interspersed throughout the keyboard. This will help speed up people who need to find the proper vowel and slow down people who write with consonants a lot. You will also notice that there are no numbers. That’s right. No more 1337 sp34k for you kids. You want to say something, you spell it out. “I am fourteen years old”. “I will come pick you up at two“. “My dad has to pay six hundred and twenty-seven thousand, five hundred and sixty-eight dollars and fifty-two cents as bail to get out of prison”. That’s what you get for writing “l13k 7h13s”. Also, this keyboard has a built-in taser. If you press more than two consonants consecutively the taser is triggered, and three thousand volts of electricity run through your fingers (to be precise, it’s a few microamperes or so that run through your fingers, but that depends on your impedance. The voltage is 3k).

What’s more, this keyboard has a built-in spellchecker. If there is a misspelled word, the taser is again activated and will not stop until the word is corrected. Mercifully, I have not hooked the backspace key up to the taser, so you can backspace at your leisure (the real reason is that I want it to create a sort of reflex, so when the power fires the child will immediately backspace). You will not be able to add words to the spellchecker, and it will have the entire Webster’s dictionary built-in, so there will be no choice but to learn the correct spelling.

Also, words like “thru”, “grammer” and other atrocities will automatically double the voltage, making sure you never make those mistakes again. Coupled with the spellchecker will be a grammar checker that checks the correct usage of its vs it’s, your vs you’re, etc (don’t even think about ur). These mistakes will also double the voltage. Grammatical mistakes concerning who and whom will not cause as much pain, since I have given up hope on those ever being used correctly. Another module fires up after a month of using this keyboard and if you make more than 5 mistakes per day then you will be automatically castrated (or will have your ovaries removed) to prevent accidents.

Of course, an ingenious device such as this would surely cost thousands, wouldn’t it? Not when I’m selling! This miraculous new keyboard will be sold at the low low price of $-10! That’s right, I will give you $10 to take it. Now there’s not a single person will be left with bad grammar, especially in the poorer countries. You can thank me later.

Recently I have been told that if I gave a monkey a typewriter he would write better than me, and that gave me an idea. Why don’t I give a monkey a typewriter? I had a laptop instead of a typewriter and I searched everywhere for a monkey but I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing. I fed a markov chain generator program all my previous posts and watched as it generated pieces of brilliance. A sample of its work follows, edited for clarity.

Having fruitlessly tried to lick a frozen signpost when she was 18, and I smell like roses anyway. That was sheer genius though. Bored. Another mediocre post (Oh well, maybe we’ll get a ThreeOrMoresome going). After a while, they finished their gig and it was not the brightest bulb in the untimely death of 3,198 slaves in Speicherstufler’s possession. Speicherstufler, after realising that he is one great tree though, I went back and hit them while they’re there. The movie’s pace begins to pick up when they speak Spanish. In Spain, they speak Norwegian. In Norway (who would go like this) Crom: Ugh Three Dumb Men: Whatever C: What the fuck! I went to the other part where Vincent hops onto the train, James Bond-style and kicks everyone’s ass on there too. The power in the store was one of the man had no choice in the nuts. She looks mean.

What the hell do you think should be done about our country’s educational system? AC(Aaron Campbell): Hello John, it’s good fun anyway. What is it, girls, do you remember how in that order. As soon as I know, which, admittedly, is not the brightest bulb in the fucking lyrics, it’s not worth the $700 you have time. Omg teh drivar is going through, and they’re all like “boo, take the radio which emits static whenever zombies are near (either zombies emit electromagnetic waves or the oral cavity)”. I am writing this or killing the owner while they’re there. The movie’s pace begins to pick it up, but he also thought, hoping that One-eye Jimmy had been oozing little brown shitties ever since, which led me to remember than for you to know. My cunning wit and the other woman with a girl you like, but you have a headache. No you don’t. If you can’t explain something, or “Trust me, I know this because two of my predicament”. At least we say bye or something and this is a giant Tarantula spider (we’ll call him Jichael Mackson).

The creators of Star Trek, Star Wars, ADnD and the Statue of Liberty also has its standards, deal with us, we were blowing some random dog. A friend of mine, though, had the very very lucky my laptop battery wasn’t dead.

Well, there goes my immersion. Of course, using the long piece of wood with nails on one end that I have always thought they came where they throw you off a cliff you think “I really should have talked to her.” or when you can follow to cut down on the phone bill. I have a chick whom you just met in your bed. This makes her mad because it had the great Rammstein out of another category, shut up. You’re wrong.

Having fruitlessly tried to get laid, we got a new paragraph after only two lines of text. This movie featured some great acting, such as “They Don’t Care About Us” to protest the racism of the hardest for me to cogitate about the “desperate lay”. In this quest they meet many a viewer has died from it. If you think I will share with you people? (There were, of course, she’s hot). Warning: You should clean the pot and stuff RIGHT AWAY, otherwise, much like cows looking at me, call me at ilovestrippers@microsoft.com. There is no such gift and gave it to soften the cream. I hope I have ADD. Panties.

This text was about 0.1% of what the program generated, and I think it is safe to say that I couldn’t write such ingenious pieces even if I were on crack. From now on I’ll leave the program to do all the posting and retire in the deepest recesses of my cave. If you liked this post comment on it, and I will consider posting some more of this ingenuity at a later time.

You have indubitably seen this in movies or in stupid people. A person goes to a psychic, the psychic things “Good, time to fleece another sucker” and spews a load of crap on how the victim will find happiness and meet a supermodel and get married, but he never will, because he’s a dumb fatass who goes to psychics to tell him what he can read on Porocrom for free. After all that cold reading crap, the psychic gives him a little treat and tells him what he was in a past lifetime, which is invariably either Napoleon or a Pharaoh.

The question I pose to you, members of this alleged jury, is this: Why do hot women hit on you and then call you the next day, go out with you and never call again? Since I am afraid none of you will be able to answer this questions because you’re all virgins, I will ask another one: Why is noone an insurance salesman or Egyptian slave #1928391 or a homeless bum? Seriously, there are six billion people on the planet right now and they were all Napoleon. Napoleon may have had MPD but he sure as hell didn’t have three billion personalities. Imagine three billion personalities all fighting over what you should do next. He wouldn’t be able to brush his teeth, let alone conquer stuff. Besides, if the Hindus have it right, the original Napoleon is a bug right now.

That notwithstanding, I decided to go to a psychic to learn what I was in a previous life. I didn’t find any psychics in my area so I did the next best thing, I asked a hooker. Her response wasn’t very helpful: “Past life? Look, if you got cash I’ll fuck, if not, g’away”. I hit her over the head with a lead pipe like I do in GTA: San Andreas (although I don’t have the hot coffee mod, so I’m still a virgin) and went on to ask someone who knew the answer to this tantalising question. Roaming the city streets at this late hour brought me upon the house of a wise old man (actually it was a cardboard box and he was more of a piss-smelling drunk), before whom I immediately prostrated myself and asked the familiar question. He mumbled something about “change”, but since I am not a member of the revolution I did not understand which change he was referring to.

Having fruitlessly tried to get answers from other people, I gave up and thought I’d try self-hypnosis. I stole a great book (How to hypnotise yourself and then write a book about it and become filthy rich) and proceeded to hypnotise myself. I will share with you the revelatory experience that ensued, but before I do that I will continue writing this filler so that this post will appear longer. In my revelation, I saw myself riding a horse in my ranch, unable to think coherently. It was true. In my past life I was George W. Bush. Now, I know Bush is not dead yet, but who cares, it’s not like being a Pharaoh makes any more sense.

Immediately, I thought of ordering a nuclear strike against Switzerland, the land of banks and neutrality, for making that god-awful DiRollo commercial but I reconsidered since I remembered I don’t really believe in reincarnation. I then dismounted my horse, woke myself and ate a chicken sandwitch. It was quite good, actually.

The moral of this story is that all that past lifetime crap is actually a sham. You were nothing in a past lifetime. Hell, you’re nothing in this lifetime! That’s just for people who’re too much of a pussy to admit they’re losers and want to be able to say they were really a world leader, even if in a previous lifetime. I’m tired of this, I think I will go sleep and then rewrite the U.S. constitution.

For quite a few years I had seen absolutely no insects of any kind in my house. After my retinal restoration surgery I got my sight back, and yesterday I saw two cockroaches. I casually vacuumed them up and proceeded to do what I normally do, but they climbed out of the vacuum cleaner so I did it again and this time vacuumed a flaming ball of cotton doused with petrol and a cat and the problem is gone (at least I think it is, I haven’t seen them since). Just as I thought I was safe from insects for another four years, here comes a millipede. Millipedes are nasty. They trick you with their slow speed, and just as you’re thinking “I’ll just run downstairs and get the vacuum”, bam they disappear! That’s what happened to me. The bastard is somewhere around here right now. Luckily, I can touch type so I can write this and scan for it at the same time. By the way, the secret to getting lots of chicks is ri sct kuikw iyu very ksuf SOO yje rune.

I think that bugs are plotting to take over the world. That is the only reasonable explanation I can come up with. Why else would I see three insects in my house on the same two days? I’m telling you, they’re up to something. Imagine what the world would be like if insects were running it:

• The sewer system would be converted from the barren, shit-filled wasteland that it is now into malls and stores where bugs could go and enjoy themselves. They would much prefer the sewer to the clean human alternative, obviously.
• The sun would be outlawed and promptly destroyed.
• Laws would require that birds be killed on sight.
• There would be huge people farms where people would be bred and produced a pound of crap each daily, for insects to eat. Cow manure would be an option but only for the poorer insects.
• Houses wouldn’t have any corners and would be full of cold, damp holes.

I can tell you though, that’ll never happen. You can take my word for it, it’ll be a cold day in hell before insects rule over humans, and I know that not because of some arcane soothsayery, but with common sense. For example, which of you would want to have sex with a bug? I know I wouldn’t. Simple things like these is what will make it impossible for bugs to rule over the earth. As another example, imagine a debate between two candidates for presidency, one of which is a giant Tarantula spider (we’ll call him Jichael Mackson).

DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2044 presidential candidate’s debate. To the right of the stage is Nebraska Senator Aaron Campbell representing the Democratic party. Welcome, senator.
AC(Aaron Campbell): Hello John, it’s good to be here.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): To the left of the stage is political newcomer Jichael Mackson.
JM(Jichael Mackson): Crrrrrrrrrrr.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Well said. I would like to begin with you, Senator Campbell. What do you think should be done about our country’s educational system?
AC(Aaron Campbell): Gives some bullshit answer.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Ah, right. What do you think about that, mr. Mackson?
JM(Jichael Mackson): Bites the senator’s head off, wraps the body in a cocoon and takes it home for the kids.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Hmm, this debate seems to be over, and I know who I’m voting for. Thank you all for watching, have a good night.

Another reason for which bugs will never take over the earth is that they’re just too damn flimsy. Step on them once, and they die. I mean, seriously, even rocks are better than that, and all that rocks do is sit around all day doing nothing. If someone’s going to take over the planet, my money is on rocks. Those sly sons of bitches, just when you think they’re harmless, bam landslide! Beware the rocks, I tell you.