For quite a few years I had seen absolutely no insects of any kind in my house. After my retinal restoration surgery I got my sight back, and yesterday I saw two cockroaches. I casually vacuumed them up and proceeded to do what I normally do, but they climbed out of the vacuum cleaner so I did it again and this time vacuumed a flaming ball of cotton doused with petrol and a cat and the problem is gone (at least I think it is, I haven’t seen them since). Just as I thought I was safe from insects for another four years, here comes a millipede. Millipedes are nasty. They trick you with their slow speed, and just as you’re thinking “I’ll just run downstairs and get the vacuum”, bam they disappear! That’s what happened to me. The bastard is somewhere around here right now. Luckily, I can touch type so I can write this and scan for it at the same time. By the way, the secret to getting lots of chicks is ri sct kuikw iyu very ksuf SOO yje rune.

I think that bugs are plotting to take over the world. That is the only reasonable explanation I can come up with. Why else would I see three insects in my house on the same two days? I’m telling you, they’re up to something. Imagine what the world would be like if insects were running it:

  • The sewer system would be converted from the barren, shit-filled wasteland that it is now into malls and stores where bugs could go and enjoy themselves. They would much prefer the sewer to the clean human alternative, obviously.
  • The sun would be outlawed and promptly destroyed.
  • Laws would require that birds be killed on sight.
  • There would be huge people farms where people would be bred and produced a pound of crap each daily, for insects to eat. Cow manure would be an option but only for the poorer insects.
  • Houses wouldn’t have any corners and would be full of cold, damp holes.
!/images/prez.jpg!
Ain’t gonna happen.

I can tell you though, that’ll never happen. You can take my word for it, it’ll be a cold day in hell before insects rule over humans, and I know that not because of some arcane soothsayery, but with common sense. For example, which of you would want to have sex with a bug? I know I wouldn’t. Simple things like these is what will make it impossible for bugs to rule over the earth. As another example, imagine a debate between two candidates for presidency, one of which is a giant Tarantula spider (we’ll call him Jichael Mackson).

DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2044 presidential candidate’s debate. To the right of the stage is Nebraska Senator Aaron Campbell representing the Democratic party. Welcome, senator.
AC(Aaron Campbell): Hello John, it’s good to be here.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): To the left of the stage is political newcomer Jichael Mackson.
JM(Jichael Mackson): Crrrrrrrrrrr.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Well said. I would like to begin with you, Senator Campbell. What do you think should be done about our country’s educational system?
AC(Aaron Campbell): Gives some bullshit answer.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Ah, right. What do you think about that, mr. Mackson?
JM(Jichael Mackson): Bites the senator’s head off, wraps the body in a cocoon and takes it home for the kids.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Hmm, this debate seems to be over, and I know who I’m voting for. Thank you all for watching, have a good night.

Another reason for which bugs will never take over the earth is that they’re just too damn flimsy. Step on them once, and they die. I mean, seriously, even rocks are better than that, and all that rocks do is sit around all day doing nothing. If someone’s going to take over the planet, my money is on rocks. Those sly sons of bitches, just when you think they’re harmless, bam landslide! Beware the rocks, I tell you.