Today I was browsing some forums, whence I encountered (“whence” is wrong in that sentence by the way, don’t go unwittingly using it in yours) the regular ilk of twelve year-olds who speak “liek thiz lolz _“. Do you seriously think that by spelling like that you retain any of the little credibility (or even dignity) you had left? I hate these people. While we were quietly discussing the specifics of the Python language (for those of you who don’t know, Python is a language spoken mainly by snakes in the deepest recesses of Africa, although now some other species, including humans, have learnt it and can converse rather fluently), along comes this clown, and goes:

hello can u tell me how 2 hack? i wnt 2 lrn how 2 hack plz kthx.

People that dumb shouldn’t be allowed in the gene pool. Step out of the pool now, and take your reproductive organs with you! Seriously, the huge overhead in writing that sentence is in thinking, which I am sure took him about five and a half hours, not writing it, which couldn’t have taken more than one. You save two minutes in writing and manage to look like a complete jackass, what a bargain!

I will start bludgeoning these people as I encounter. There’s always the old maxim of “If you don’t care enough to write it well, I sure as hell am not going to care enough to read it”, since these people never have anything important to say anyway, but that’s crap. It should be “If you don’t care enough to write it well, I sure as hell will cut your balls and feed them to you in an attempt to make sure you don’t breed”. Same goes for you girls, by the way, which I think are the bigger percentage of txt tlk users.

To aid in the quest of correct written speech, I have invented a new kind of keyboard. As you immediately notice when you look at it, it has about 500 buttons or so (I never bothered to count), and 479 of them are vowels. They are randomly interspersed throughout the keyboard. This will help speed up people who need to find the proper vowel and slow down people who write with consonants a lot. You will also notice that there are no numbers. That’s right. No more 1337 sp34k for you kids. You want to say something, you spell it out. “I am fourteen years old”. “I will come pick you up at two“. “My dad has to pay six hundred and twenty-seven thousand, five hundred and sixty-eight dollars and fifty-two cents as bail to get out of prison”. That’s what you get for writing “l13k 7h13s”. Also, this keyboard has a built-in taser. If you press more than two consonants consecutively the taser is triggered, and three thousand volts of electricity run through your fingers (to be precise, it’s a few microamperes or so that run through your fingers, but that depends on your impedance. The voltage is 3k).

What’s more, this keyboard has a built-in spellchecker. If there is a misspelled word, the taser is again activated and will not stop until the word is corrected. Mercifully, I have not hooked the backspace key up to the taser, so you can backspace at your leisure (the real reason is that I want it to create a sort of reflex, so when the power fires the child will immediately backspace). You will not be able to add words to the spellchecker, and it will have the entire Webster’s dictionary built-in, so there will be no choice but to learn the correct spelling.

Also, words like “thru”, “grammer” and other atrocities will automatically double the voltage, making sure you never make those mistakes again. Coupled with the spellchecker will be a grammar checker that checks the correct usage of its vs it’s, your vs you’re, etc (don’t even think about ur). These mistakes will also double the voltage. Grammatical mistakes concerning who and whom will not cause as much pain, since I have given up hope on those ever being used correctly. Another module fires up after a month of using this keyboard and if you make more than 5 mistakes per day then you will be automatically castrated (or will have your ovaries removed) to prevent accidents.

Of course, an ingenious device such as this would surely cost thousands, wouldn’t it? Not when I’m selling! This miraculous new keyboard will be sold at the low low price of $-10! That’s right, I will give you $10 to take it. Now there’s not a single person will be left with bad grammar, especially in the poorer countries. You can thank me later.