I was walking past a house the other day, and I saw this sign that said “Beware of Dog”. I asked myself, “Hell, why do we even have dogs as guards in the first place?”. “That is a pretty damn valid question”, I answered. I kept talking to myself for a bit until this old hag thought I was schizophrenic or some shit so she called the cops so I had to get the fuck out of her house, and also that fucking dog mentioned in the sign started chasing me. But seriously.

Why do we have dogs as guards? They suck, you can kick them in the nuts and they go down like pussies. Even if they bite you, the most you’ll get is rabies, and then you can sue the fucking cunt that owns the dog for liability or some legal shit like that. That’s not very smart now, is it?

What we should do is get rats. Oh man, rats are the shit. Dump a dozen hungry rats in your apartment and no thief will ever dare get close. Include a “Beware of Rats” sign and you’re covered. Rats don’t need no stinkin cups, good luck finding the balls on a rat to kick him there, you need a magnifying lens or something. A rat’s only weakness is his low education level. Most rats aren’t very well educated, that’s why they make the perfect guards. They ask no questions, they obey whatever you tell them. Also, you can’t kill rats. You can stab them, shoot them, maim them, nothing, They just don’t fucking die! If you cut a rat’s tail off, the rat will grow a new tail, and, get this: A new rat grows from the tail. No other species can do that, except from that fish that looks like an asterisk, but what the hell are you going to do with an asterisk? Maybe write a footnote.

Also, if a rat bites you, you’re dead. Rats carry like, a gazillion diseases, so if you don’t die of the sheer ferocity of the bite, the AIDS is going to kill you for sure. Plus rats are awesome to look at. Have you seen a rat lately? They’re HUGE. Especially if you get rats the size of cats, those will scare the crap out of anyone. I know people who have died because of rat poisoning, and that’s even before they saw them! Rats are kickass.

Aww, isn’t that cute? HELL NO, THIS RAT IS DEADLY.

There are these old ladies who keep cats as guards. Fucking cats, man. What the fuck are cats going to do, scratch my leg? Fuck that shit. A rat can chew RIGHT THROUGH a cat in no time. Also the rat/cat ratio is huge, rats lay like 10 eggs a day while a cat only gets like, a kitten a year, and that’s if she’s a whore. What chances does a kitten stand versus 10 fully grown rats? Rats breed like rabbits, man, before you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, they’re ALL over the place. And their kids, and their grandkids. They’ve got a whole fucking nuclear family set up in your house. You don’t even have to buy a rat, just ask your friend to give you one. I’m telling you, you can’t go wrong with rats.

Look at this rat on the right. This rat has weapons. This rat is here to chew ass and chew bubble gum, and he doesn’t like ass. This rat will kill any dog he comes across. There are no dogs armed with RPGs. Hell, even if there were, they wouldn’t know how to use them, they’d just keep barking like the pussies they are. Only the Pekingese are somewhat leet, I have to hand it to them. The Pekingese will bark at everyone, and I mean fucking everyone. The Pekingese don’t care if you just fed them your last Oreo which was all you had to eat for a week, they’ll still bite your ass when you’re done. Only the Pekingese can stand up to a rat, but they still can’t use an RPG so they also suck ass.

A rat will never fail you. You can always count on a rat. If you’re stranded in the mountain and you have no food and are dying of the cold, the rat will run the fuck away from you to get some food and come back with his friends to eat you when you die. That’s fucking reliability. Even at those harsh conditions, the rats kick ass. If a boat is going to sink, rats are known to leave it by eating holes through its hull. They have foresight. Show me a dog that can predict the future! That’s right, no dogs can predict the fucking future. Useless.

P.S. This post contains gratuitous violence and copyrighted images and as such is not suitable for consumption.