Any of you who have had the extreme privilege of seeing me in person know that I am not what you would call a “fashion plate”. I prefer to stick to the simple things that work: t-shirt and jeans and things of that variety. Therefore I cannot claim to be an expert in men’s fashion. However, over the past few months I have seen some fashion trends that have, to be perfectly frank, bamboozled me.

Pink shirts on men

I don’t know who decided it was acceptable for men to start wearing pink, but my suspicion is that this whole fashion trend started as a pot-smoking session turned into an elaborate practical joke.

Designer #1: (Taking a deep pull from his Gucci bong) Dude… you know what would be HILARIOUS?
Designer #2: What?
#1: What what?
#2: What would be hilarious?
#1: I dunno… what?
#2: Dude… you’re fucked!
#1: Yeah… I’m starting to see shit.
#2: Like what? Guys in pink shirts?
#1: Hahaha, yeah… (Long pause) OH MY GOD, you know what would be HILARIOUS?

And then two weeks later, we see a bunch of guys walking around wearing pink. The first time I saw a guy in a pink shirt, I thought someone had played a mean trick on a blind guy and had switched his regular-coloured shirts for something embarassing. Then someone told me that it was the new ‘in’ thing…

Apparently the reasoning behind this fashion crime is that men who are secure in their sexuality can wear any colour they want, so pink is the ultimate expression of heterosexuality. I say, why stop there? If you’re so secure, wear assless chaps and a handlebar moustache… then buy a chihuahua and dress him in leather and call him “Butch”.

I will say this one time: unless you’ve accidentally washed your reds with your whites, there is NO excuse for wearing pink. You don’t look manly, you just look confused.

Mutton chops

ALF look”. If you wear sideburns, you’d best complete the outfit by wearing britches, a waistcoat and a monocle, because those are all JUST as fashionable as looking like you’ve got two toupees on your cheeks.

Some psychoanalysts would say that I am frustrated by my own inability to grow facial hair, and thus I lash out at those who are able to grow prodigious follicular tumours. To these people I say, “I had sex with your mother”.

5XL T-shirts

Why?

Like seriously… what the HELL were you thinking?

XXL. However, the newest “urban fashion” is to wear shirts that are like… 5 or 6 XL (i.e. XXXXXL). Apparently you’re not a thug unless you’re dressed like a goddamn hot air balloon.

My theory is that if you are truly from the ghetto, you can only afford one T-shirt for your entire life, so your mom buys you an XL when you are a toddler, and then you have to grow into it. So in order to appear poor, and therefore TOUGH, one must wear a shirt that does not fit.

I’m sure there are women’s fashions out there that are equally stupid (i.e. blue eyeliner – unless you are that blueberry bitch from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or a Japanese cartoon character, nobody thinks your eyelids are actually that colour), but I don’t really care. Ladies, we don’t notice what you’re wearing… we’re picturing you not wearing it.

P.S. this is what a month of non-posting looks like.