As you have probably suspected, we at Porocrom are devoted to bringing you reviews of only the absolute best products. Today we are reviewing a product whose idea is as ingenious as its implementation useful. We present Stadium Pal. Do you love wetting yourself in public, but hate the hassle of getting arrested and shunned? Then this product is for you.

Stadium Pal is one of those products conceived when a brain-dead person accidentally replaced their IV with LSD because they smoked too much weed. It is basically a bag with a long tube attached to it. You strap the bag to your leg, and you wrap the tube against your peepee and then when you piss, it goes into the bag. When the bag is full it hopefully bursts, killing you and spraying everyone in a 100-feet radius in piss and blood, so that your relatives will write on your tombstone “He died and people got pissed”.

Stadium Pal is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen, and this is coming from a guy with a comedy blog. I mean, what is so gripping that you could not possibly take your eyes off to go piss? Want to watch a game? It only lasts an hour or so, and they have plenty of breaks inbetween. Not to mention that you can, you know, go before or after it? I guess that “people not in a vegetative state” is not one of Stadium Pal’s target groups.

Another excuse for using this abomination that I hear frequently is “on long car trips”. This is actually quite valid, if you have to drive for eight hours straight and stay above 50 mph because otherwise the entire bus will blow up, killing everyone in it. Otherwise, you can take a break and use a restroom or a sufficiently big bush.

On top of being useless, Stadium Pal costs $29.95, which is $35 more than I am willing to pay for a bag and a tube, so we have included instructions on how to create your own Stadium Pal. You will need:

  1. Three plastic straws.
  2. Two pieces of string, 1ft long each.
  3. A plastic bag.

Take the straws and insert one into the other, like you used to do when you were a kid and your parents would leave you alone in the coffeehouse to go gamble their foodstamps away. Take the plastic bag, tie it to your leg using the pieces of string and tie the top with what is left of the top piece of string. Insert the one end of the long straw you created in the bag and the other in your penis (this might hurt a little or render you impotent, don’t worry) and you’re all set.

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We have, nevertheless, spotted a glaring omission on the part of BioRelief (the makers of Stadium Pal), and that is that there is nothing available if you want to take a dump while watching “the game”. So, we now present to you this amazing new product, the Ass Pal. Simply insert the tube (which is coloured red for easy access) in your ass and you are ready to go (pun intended)! The plastic bag can be changed when it is full and it is very inexpensive. We have also done some research, and have arrived to the conclusion that by combining the Stadium Pal with the Ass Pal, you can sit on your couch and not get up for a whopping 81 days!

Stay tuned for more reviews of brilliant products!